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Dear Sir or Madam
I'm a 44 year old father of two sons from a marriage that broke up in 2002. At the time, I ran a successful business and, when it came time to agree a separation, was able to pay a certain level of support / school fees - with the proviso that, if there was a change in circumstances, it would be reviewed. The business failed and we were left owing the bank 250,000 which was repaid from the sale of a property. I advised my ex-wife of this but she still tries to hold me to the original payment. Over the last ten years I have found it very hard to rebuild my career, although I'm close to doing so as a ghost-writer. I have remarried and live with my wife in rented accommodation in the area where my children also live. My ex-wife holds me to ransom over money. Will only let me see the boys when she decides. She makes all decisions regarding schooling and does not allow me to attend school events, all because I can't pay what was originally set out in the 2002 agreement. I paid her a lump sum of 20,000 IN 2010 after the death of my father but that was not acknowledged. I feel desperately trapped. My eldest son has gone to a school in Australia for a gap year. It was organized by my ex - she never consulted me. He arrived there today and I just received a phone call from my younger son, saying his mother is angry that I communicated with the school in Australia on twitter because I wasn't involved in setting up the gap-year! I was told to unfollow the school. Do I really have to tolerate this? She asks that all communication re: meeting up with my boys go through her, yet she gets them to call me to ask for money etc. There are so many double-standards but I feel it all comes down to money. I'm desperately in need of advice. I've borrowed in excess of 40,000 from my mother to pay my ex. Thanks in advance.
Hi there!
Sorry to read all this, but it is a very familiar story (apart from the Australia bit!).
This sounds ridiculous... are there consent orders drawn up by a court that you're trying to follow, or simply agreements made between the two of you? If it's the latter, you are absolutely not bound by them. If it is a consent order, you can apply to 'vary' it, after a dramatic change in circumstance. I was in a very similar situation, and discovered that if there is a consent order for maintenance, then after 12 months you can insist that the CSA take over - and any ruling they make overrides the court order. (In my case, the CSA reduced my payments from £450 per month, down to £60 per month!) You don't even need to go to court for this - just phone the CSA. I have always found them brilliant! (After I reduced the payments, I got nasty letters from her solicitor but I just wrote back telling them not to threaten me and referred them to the CSA. Never heard anything else.)
Holding you to ransom over this is blatantly unacceptable, to any court. If there is a court order for access to your kids, she'd be breaking it. If there is no court order, then she has no right to keep you from your kids at all.
The reality is, if a court gets to hear this story, her behaviour would be viewed as radically unacceptable.
Good luck from a fellow 44 year old!
First of all thanks for the response - much appreciated. The agreement is set out in a court order yes and I advised her previously (in writing) of my material change in circumstances. For the record, my child support figure was 1000 per month with an additional 500 for school fees - quite a lot of money to find each month, no? I have paid her all kinds of amounts over the last few years and it's never been less than 500 per month and if I have more, I pay her it. I have also given the kids computers, phone contracts and contributed to various school trips/ outings outwith my monthly commitments. Basically, I bend over backwards to do what I can within my limited means ( a lawyer advised me that the school fees part may have nothing to do with the CSA - i debate that) Basically, I have found/money wherever I can to keep this going and it's become a massive strain. I have had moments where I have said to her " Look, feel free to go to the CSA and seek a percentage of my current income because it will be considerably less than I'm paying you." That keeps her at bay, temporarily. But then it starts again. She has a senior management position, a 400,000 K house that I bought and no mortgage. I'm not complaining - I'm happy my kids have a good quality of life and attend private school. The sad part is that she forbids me from attending school functions because she 'pays more of the school fees'. My response was to say that if we can't afford the school fees, the kids should go to another school. That's the real world after all and it happens all the time. Nothing to be ashamed of - certainly not from my perspective. Anyway, that's where it stands. I will earn more money going forward ; I'm an author with some nice projects/ advances on the horizon but I can't pay what I don't have right now. I also don't want to call her bluff and get the CSA to assess my income because the kids will receive less money as of now and that will only be used against me. It's a tough situation.
You could open the case yourself with the CMS and pay via direct pay. It would be less than you are paying, but the matter is then settled. There is nothing at all to stop you from then paying over and above this amount, so they wouldn't be getting less than now.
Hi Mark E
Thank you for your post. I am William the Child Maintenance Options consultant. It sounds as though your current child maintenance arrangement has not been working for you for some time and I would like to provide you with some information about what you can do to review it, as well as point you in the direction of where you can receive support with regards to contact with your children.
It is possible to change the terms of your Consent Order and to do this you may wish to seek legal advice. Changing a Consent Order usually results in going back to court to set out the application on a standard form. The court will then consider any changes. For advice on changing your Consent Order you may wish to contact the legal representative that initially helped your reach your agreement. Alternatively you may find Civil Legal Advice (CLA) helpful. CLA is a free and confidential advice service paid for by legal aid. Their contact centre provides independent legal advice to people who live on a low income or benefits. You can find more information about them, as well as their contact details on their website at http://www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid.
You have indicated that your Consent Order was put in place in 2002 and when a Consent Order dates back to before April 2003, the law does not allow you to change over to the Child Maintenance Service. Only the courts can arrange child maintenance in such circumstances.
It sounds as though contact arrangements with your children are difficult to discuss with your children’s mum. Child maintenance and contact are separate concerns and are not linked in law. Any concerns over one should not affect the other. If you would like to seek expert advice regarding contact arrangements with your children, the following organisations may be able to help support you with this stressful situation:
Centre for Separated Families provide advice and support to parents and other people experiencing family separation. Their website address is http://www.separatedfamilies.info.
The Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) provide free information and advice on topics such as legal, housing and debt. You can view their website here http://www.adviceguide.org.uk.
Families Need Fathers provide information for parents and also runs local open support meetings. Their website address is http://www.fnf.org.uk.
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) have a web application, 'Sorting out Separation'. It aims to make it much easier during and after separation to find the support you need, when and where you need it, and encourages you and your children’s mum to collaborate on a range of issues. You may find the Children and Parenting section useful as it covers contact concerns. You can view the application here www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-separation.
For more information on the ways to set up child maintenance, please visit our website at http://www.cmoptions.org. Alternatively, you can call us free on 0800 988 0988 between 8am and 8pm Monday to Friday or 9am and 4pm on a Saturday.
Regards
William
Thanks William. Looking at my papers, we initially had a 'family agreement' - whatever that actually means. It was then ratified in our local court in May of 2004 - which presumably influences, from what you say, what impact the CSA can have on the case? I agree that the maintenance and access should be separate issues but - as in most cases - they are not. My primary issue right now is the psychological abuse whereby I'm being told what I can and cannot do by my ex-wife: can't attend school events, can't communicate on twitter with a school in Australia where my son now works, haven't seen my sons on Christmas day for ten years etc Do I have legal recourse to stop this? Surely I do? The formal legal agreements says that I must be consulted in ALL aspects of my children's upbringing, education etc and my views must be taken into account. That has never happened. Amusingly, even my kids think it's absolutely ridiculous and regularly don't tell their mother when they are in touch with me.
Hi Mark E
A family agreement or family-based arrangement is a flexible agreement made between you and your children’s mum about who will provide what for your children. Although these types of arrangements can be made with the help of a legal representative, they are not legally enforceable.
As in your case, when a Consent Orders was endorsed after March 2003 and has been in place for 12 months, either you or your children’s mum can apply to the Child Maintenance Service and your Consent Order will no longer be valid.
To clarify, the Child Support Agency (CSA) no longer accept application for child maintenance and have been replaced by the Child Maintenance Service. Therefore, if you or your children’s mum want to apply for a statutory child maintenance arrangement, this would be through the Child Maintenance Service, not the CSA.
The Child Maintenance Service offer a Direct Pay scheme where they calculate the maintenance for you and then usually you and your children’s mum decide how and when the payments should be made together. Direct Pay is legally binding, however, the Child Maintenance Service will not contact either of you unless they are notified of any problems with payments or any changes to circumstances. You do not have to discuss payments with your children's mum to use Direct Pay if you are not comfortable doing so. Instead, the Child Maintenance Service can pass on your children’s mum’s bank details to you and you can make your payments using this account. As actd mentioned, although you would only legally be responsible for the amount worked out by the Child Maintenance Service, and would not be obliged to pay for anything extra, you could still do so on a voluntary basis if you chose to.
Something to consider when thinking about making an application to the Child Maintenance Service is that there is an application fee of £20 that is paid by the parent who makes the application. The Child Maintenance Service also apply an enforcement charge for enforcement action where payments are not made in full or on time.
An alternative to Direct Pay through the Child Maintenance Service is their Collect and Pay scheme. This is where they calculate, collect and pass on the payments for you. In addition to the application fee of £20 the Child Maintenance Service will start applying collection fees later in the summer too for Collect and Pay arrangements. They plan to charge collection fees to both you and your children’s mum for collecting and passing on child maintenance payments. This will mean that if you use the Collect and Pay scheme you will have to pay 20% in addition to the weekly maintenance and your children’s mum will have 4% taken away from the weekly maintenance.
If you decide to apply to the Child Maintenance Service your responsibility to pay starts from around when you contact them or they contact you.
You can contact us by telephone or email for the reference number you will need in order to make your application if you decide to ask the Child Maintenance Service to arrange your child maintenance for you (our contact details can be found at the bottom of my previous post). This number is personal to you and shows that you have spoken to Child Maintenance Options before applying for a statutory child maintenance arrangement.
You mentioned that your priority at the moment is resolving the disagreements you and your children’s mum have over your involvement in your children’s lives. You may wish to consider contacting the organisations that I mentioned in my previous post (Centre for Separated Families, CAB or Families Need Fathers) to see what support they can offer you.
If you need support with the psychological abuse you feel you are experiencing you may find our Child maintenance and staying safe guide useful. It has information about arranging child maintenance when you are concerned about domestic violence or abuse. You can view this guide on our website at http://www.cmoptions.org/en/toolbox/leaflets.asp. In the back of this guide it has details of specialist organisations who can provide help and support. One of these organisation is Mankind, a national charity that provides help and support for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence. You will find more information about them and their contact details on their website at http://www.mankind.org.uk.
Regards
William
Update on this . My legal arrangement with my ex-wife states that any changes to my children's education MUST be discussed with me. I recently discovered -- in a highly embarrassing situation at one of my son's schools -- that he was to be leaving the next term to go to another (more expensive) school. I wasn't told, or consulted. The reason I wasn't is that she still isn't happy with the £500 per month I pay her. My concern is that if I get my lawyer to enforce the fact that I should be consulted as per the agreement, it would simply perpetuate the aggression over money. It really is so tiresome. I do not have £1500 per month to pay her based on an agreement signed in 2004, based on the fact that I owned and ran a successful business. One of my 'children' is almost 19 -- surely my ex- can;'t insist that all arrangements he makes with me, must go through her? Can she do that? That's what she's insisting. Help or advice please
I really think it's worth a short consult with a family lawyer - presumably your youngest son must be 14 or over, and I think what your ex is suggesting is something of a joke. I would certainly speak to the CMS - check on their calculator what you should be paying and open a case with them. There is a reciprocal agreement with Australia, and I don't know what their rules are, so you are probably better off using the CMS in UK and going by their rules.
Appreciate that response. None of the kids are in AUS any more. My eldest was there for a year and is now back here -- should make things more straight forward. My question is: if I go to the CMS, does any decision they make override our separation agreement which is lodged in a Scottish court?
CMS will only override maintenance payments where the order was more than 12 months ago, which sounds like it is the case. I'm not certain about Scotland, so It's worth giving them a call.
Hello Mark E
If your court arrangement was put in place in 2004, you could ask the Child Maintenance Service to set up a statutory arrangement for you instead. If you did that, they would take over the management of your maintenance payments and your court arrangement would become invalid.
You can find more details about how the Child Maintenance Service work here, https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/325219/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance.pdf
There is also a calculator on the Child Maintenance Options website, http://www.cmoptions.org.uk, which will give you an indication of the amount of maintenance that the Government would consider to be reasonable for you to pay.
Maintenance and contact are two totally separate issues and are not linked in law. Whether you pay maintenance payments, or how much those payments are, should not affect any rights you have to contact with your children.
If you would like more information about the different options available for arranging maintenance payments and to receive a more personalised service, you can contact Child Maintenance Options directly.
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) have a web application, ‘Sorting out separation’. It aims to make it much easier for separating and separated parents (and childless couples) to find the support they need, when and where they need it, and encourages them to collaborate on a range of issues. The link is http://www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-separation
Regards
William
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