[Solved] Clothes

Hi There,

It isn't unreasonable, but your ex doesn't have to send them with clothes, it would be down to you to try and arrange for that to happen.

Hopefully you are able to if not, then places like primark is good for new reasonable clothes, or facebook selling pages if you aren't so worried about the clothes being new.

GTTS

Hello Wallace

The Child Maintenance Service (the Government’s statutory maintenance service) work out the amount of child maintenance to be paid, based on a paying parent’s gross income. Following their guidelines if an application was made, you would only be obliged to pay the calculated amount. Any additional contributions would be voluntary. With this in mind, it would be down to you and your children’s mother to agree on who provides clothes for your children.

As child maintenance is paid to the parent with the main day-to-day care of the qualifying child or children, it is therefore controlled by the person best placed to determine that child’s needs. Under the law as currently drafted, the Child Maintenance Service cannot intervene in this matter.

For a more personalised response, you may wish to contact Child Maintenance Options directly at http://www.cmoptions.org.

The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) have a website, 'Sorting out Separation'. It aims to make it much easier for separating and separated parents (and childless couples) to find the support they need, when and where they need it, and encourages them to collaborate on a range of issues. The link is https://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk/.

Regards

William

The children's mother said it wasn't normal to provide clothes. Someone I know who became an EOWD couldn't believe her stance, but then his children were older when he got divorced so not having asked the question yet I'm guessing his children decided they were taking their clothes with them when they went to his. The same will probably happen with mine as they get older. Seems ridiculous advantage can be taken of the maintenance to potentially fund a 'lifestyle'.

I'm coming up against all sorts of things like this having been the dumpee in the divorce. I never dreamed it would happen. There has to be reform to marriage and divorce - perhaps a legal financial deposit from both sides before having children? The world has move on around it and society is not as cohesive as it was because of people's expectations and...money. Where children are concerned I don't believe they always get a fair outcome and all because of one parents selfish actions. My children are too young to know what's coming.

I take on board what you've said about clothes.

Thank you.

Hi Wallace,

I went through the same experience around 3 years ago, battles over clothing etc. When we first separated I needed as much money as possible to get back on my feet, with a new apartment lease, beds my two children and then clothing.

At first we had a good agreement together (with my ex) she would provide a bag of clothes for my weekends with the kids, however over time it became more of a cause for argument, about lost items and non returned clothes (not that you are busy enough with two young kids to worry about missing socks)

My advice would be, buy your own stock and supply of clothes for the kids when possible, use primark, supermarket brand and quality is not to be overlooked these days. You will feel much more self sufficient and non reliant on the ex partner, in my eyes it is one less headache. It also gets you in the routine of daily chores and running the house (washing and folding laundry) which I do admit was alien to me until our separation.

All the best to you.

I was a stay at home Dad, well still am until the family house is sold and move away. Divorce, settlement and child arrangements are all sorted. I can't afford to remain a stay at home Dad in an arrangement as is - I'll wind up living in poverty with my children relying mainly on benefits and that isn't fair on them. Without sitting down for an hour to go through the background it's hard for anyone to understand all the ins and outs. I never thought life could be so complicated. I think formula one cars are less complex. Looking after the children and running the house was easy compared to keeping the ex-wife happy who has a career.

It means a lot to hear first hand from another bloke about his experiences with something as simple as 'clothes', especially as things changed over time. It puts things into perspective and taking note will save a lot of differences in opinion between me and my ex being vented and getting nowhere in terms of a resolution. Something aren't worth sweating about but it takes experience to learn this. Better to learn things fast from others.

Without going into detail of its elements my ex's income going forward will far out weigh mine and I thought...yes I wasted thinking she might see her way to helping me with clothes for the children. We had an argument over a pair of children's Sainsbury's jeans recently which I knew had been transferred between houses that she denied initially as is her way and then returned them - I was lucky or should I say the little one was they came back. I still find it amazing no matter what it is my ex expects me to find a solution to everything and doesn't want to help.

Thanks for the reply Wallace, I hope you have made some progress with your wife in terms of getting along and trying to be civil together, as this adds the most benefit to the children.

One thing I eventually agreed with my ex partner is to collect the children from school on my weekends, now they are in school aged 6 and 4 it means they are collected in their school uniforms, and return to school Monday in uniforms washed and ready for school. This step made the argument over clothing redundant basically, and I have my own clothes for the kids here and the ex has her own.

It also stopped us crossing paths without need, and our relationship was better simply texting or communicating about the kids and nothing else, eg clothes, toys etc.

The period you are going through will be very tough, I believe I was battling and fighting fires for 12-15 months from separation, but I am now 3.5 years down the line and I can honestly say it has benefitted the kids hugely having two happy homes and not 1 toxic one to grow up in.

Always try and keep the kids in mind as a focus, and not what a ex partner is doing / saying / spending time with. There are many different challenges along the road to come yet, with new partners coming into the picture etc, but with some support and talking to other dads you can certainly go on to be happier.

Cheers and wishing you all the best.

That’s really great advice IFADad... there’s nothing better than sharing experiences to get a better perspective.

Wallace...This particular battle just isn’t worth taking on, choose your battles wisely...as soon as your kids are old enough, try and incorporate Friday to Monday weekends as IFADad has done, it saves a lot of the issues you’re currently experiencing.

Until then, send the kids back in the clothes they came in, and have a couple of sets of clothes and some pjs to use when they’re with you.

As has been said, there are tons of outlets where you can pick up children’s clothes at very reasonable prices. All of the big supermarkets have their own brands and eBay and Primark are also great.

All the best

To keep things simple I do (Fri night to sun every other) my ex just packs PJs for night time tablets/chargers etc Saturday night when they are in bed I wash and dry the clothes they got sent in ready to wear again on Sunday.

I keep a supply of small things likes socks and pants just incase tho,about 30 mins before I leave I get everything put in bag and put bag on the stairs ready

Nice and organised lol

The ideal is to always send them back in what they were wearing, that way you're not being taken advantage of to buy new clothes for your ex to use. Works both ways.

I drove her out of the house with all the things and forbade her to see with children and since then has not seen her.

lol is that not very harsh and extreme? kids need both parents in their life.

For the most part I'm backing up some of the responses you've had already - have a supply of clothes at yours for your children (when I split up from my ex I had mostly bits from the charity shop and secondhand clothes bundles from fb marketplace as I was short of cash - a lot of the clothes I buy still come from there, in fact), and return your children in whatever clothes they come in (it saves so many arguments), this can be hard to do on school days, as I'm currently finding out, and whether you send your children back in their school uniform is up to you. Also, having some of their own clothes at your place will help your children feel more at home - my daughter looks forward to picking out an outfit from the clothes she has here and sees it as having half her clothes at her mum's and half at her dad's, making my place more of a home for her (daddy's home, we call it), as opposed to a b&b, if that makes sense.