[Solved] Childcare/Nurserys - Should I be paying?

Are you asking what is a fair and morally acceptable position? Or asking what you are legally required to pay for?

I met 3 divorced women today. One was talking about how her ex-husband had to move back in with his mom because after the chunk she takes from him, he's left with not enough money to live on. The second was bragging about how she kept the house and kicked the guy out. And the third was asking the second if she was getting a good deal on her divorce or if she could squeeze the guy a bit more.

So yes, while there are plenty of situations where women abuse the system, yours doesn't sound like it. Your son's mom has been caring for a new born for 15+9 months, that's actually pretty hard work. You should definitely be paying something, if you don't, someone else will.

From a legal standpoint, this calculator will tell you how much you should be paying: https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y

From a moral standpoint, you need to think about how much you want to support your son's mom in getting back to work, because it's not easy after you've been out caring for a baby.

Best of luck, and congratulations on the baby!

Hello willfisher91

All parents do have the responsibility to provide child maintenance for their children. Child Maintenance Options can help you with information about all your options for setting up a maintenance arrangement for your son. It does sound like you have a great relationship with your son's mother. You could try talking to her about the option of putting a family-based arrangement in place.

Child Maintenance Options do have all the information for you to view on their website at http://www.cmoptions.org. Many parents do now choose to sort out their maintenance between themselves as it can be the quickest and easiest way of setting up a maintenance agreement. Although family-based arrangements are not legally binding, they are very flexible and can be easily changed.

You will also find an Online Calculator available to calculate an amount of maintenance that the Government consider a reasonable payment. You may find this a good starting point for your negotiations. The amount you receive by using this calculator is the figure that you would be expected to pay if you made an application with the Government's statutory scheme, Child Maintenance Service. Paying parents are only legally responsible for the amount worked out by the Child Maintenance Service, and are not obliged to pay for anything extra.

Child Maintenance Options also have a Talking About Money Guide and a Discussion Guide which are full of information about how you can plan your conversation, with your your son's mum, and how to negotiate your agreement. They also point out the financial costs involved in raising a child and can give you both ideas about what can be included in your agreement.

Information about all your options for a maintenance arrangement can be found on the Child Maintenance Options website and in their leaflet called Information for parents living apart from their child. As well as the family-based arrangement you also have the option of making an application with the Child Maintenance Service or, organise your arrangement via the courts, in the form of a Consent Order in England and Wales and Minute of Agreement in Scotland.

For more information and for a more personalised service, you may wish to visit the Child Maintenance Options website yourself.

Regards

William

Hey,

So she hasnt been alone as she lives with her parents who help out a lot, she also has a lot of family close by that help. She also claims a lot of benefits as a single mum so I dont want to pay her too much as I know she has a fair amount of disposable income from it.

The calculator says I should pay 200 a month. Childcare centres in london charge 200 a day...

Thanks

Will

I agree with you on the benefits part. Women are more likely to receive benefits than men, and that can certainly feel unfair.

Yes it is nice that her family is willing to help, but really the child is the responsibility of mom and dad. How would you feel if you had a daughter, she was pregnant, and you (instead of the child's mom+dad) were expected to pay up and/or put in the work ? Raising a newborn is fun, but also a lot of work.

I never heard of a nursery charging £200 a day. Childcare is expensive, but not that expensive, more like £50/£60 a day, even in London.

You could also consider childminders. While their daily rates might not be much lower, they are often more flexible in terms of only having to pay for the days you actually use. Depending on how much you want to be involved, you could also consider seeking flexible work arrangements and offering to take on some childcare. I care for mine 2 half-days a week, and it's a blast, best part of my week by far!

Fair points, although I'm only willing to pay for childcare if she works. Although I cant see her trying to work right now because she will lose a lot of her benefits?

I would much rather wait till my son is 2 when we get 15 hours for free, plus it gives me time to earn more money to help with extra days. In the meantime I wouldnt mind paying for 1 a week, or even just do meet ups with other babies to get him used to socialising.

I think you need to negotiate with her, it's a fair point that whilst she isn't working child care isn't a necessity, although there is an argument that it will help him to socialise in preparation for school, but you or the mother could quite as easily attend meet ups/baby groups to get this started.

If you were to pay maintenance via the CMS the amount you pay is all that you have to pay, although some dads do help out with extras.

Like Mojo wrote, if you paid maintenance via CMS (ie, she applied to force you to pay), £200 is all you would have to pay, and really, you wouldn't have any say where the money gets used. Not saying that's right, but that's the reality full stop.

Also consider that your son is still so young, you have a good 15/20 years ahead. You and the mother will need to have some sort of relationship to care for him, and all he wants is that you two get along so he can be happy. Being inflexible on things like how much you pay really isn't worth it. Gaining her trust is worth a lot more than the money you might be spending, and you'll earn lots more going forward anyway.

Taking the baby to meetups/babygroups is good for the child to be around other babies, and it's also good for the parents to meet others facing similar experiences, you end up finding a lot of invaluable support in those groups. Also, if god forbid you ever find yourself in court trying to get access to your child like a lot of us here have, being able to genuinely say "I've been taking my child to a baby group once a week" will massively count in your favour.