[Solved] Child maintenance - It seems so unfair

Good morn,

I drop in on this thread about once every 18 months - and have since it started.

I'm always dismayed to find that nothing has changed. Our society just seems to accept that it is fine to be biased against men.

Ho hum - see you in 18 months 🙂

@JPNuman  100% agree I am getting done over by my ex wife at the moment, my son has just started a full time job but the cms will not believe me because she is fraudulently claiming child benefit and child tax credits all so I have to keep paying child maintenance, I have raised 7 cases all have been closed in the ex wife favour, I have provided messages from my son saying he is working and not in college anymore they still knock it back, I have provided the company’s address and contact details and apprenticeship details and the directors names and numbers and my son’s wage slip and still they close in the ex wife favour and he is 18 years old.

i 100% feel the same about the calculation of  12% before tax but you have to pay it after tax, so not only do the government want you to pay the most they tax you on it to, so my £567 pm is probably £600 to £620 pm with tax.

pits disgusting how they only use 2 x sources of information the child benefit and the resident parents word. 

@sean46 listen to this, could be useful to you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UCgxgwt_Gs

@bill337 hi this was a good watch I managed to get hold of my son’s wage slip after this video, I have sent it to the csa and shown he is working and that he has been working since March as per his year to date, they still are not interested and say because he is still getting child benefit I have to pay,

so far I have given them his company address and the phone numbers of the directors, I have given them messages from him saying he is working, I have provided them with the details of him leaving college and provided his wage slips, to date they still say I have not provided proof that he is not in full time education it’s ridiculous, I am not sure what other evidence I can give them.

he is 18 and in full time employment his mum is still claiming child benefit and tax credits, I have reported her 17 times and nothing has happened to the benefits agency and also the csa, every month since March I have opened a case with the csa and also open a complaint.

hi,

I would suggest you get in touch with your local MP. Email a top manager of CMS: Arlene.Sugden@dwp.gov.uk and copy in your Mp to the email.

I joined this forum after reading this post, and share a lot with how unfair the system is.

I am fortunate not to have a story of incredible unfairness, but it is still painful how much we have to pay.

In my situation, married 10 years, separated (mutually the right decision) 2 years ago, had raised 2 step-children for 10 years, and have 1 of my own, and of all the children (by their choice) only 1 of them stays with me 2 nights a week.  I'm on good terms with the ex, we have made difficult decisions around holidays and birthdays, the adjustment is hard, but at least we are currently amicable.

I pay 350 pcm.  1 child should be 307 pcm, but I even paid a little extra for the (younger) step-child as it felt right.  He will soon be out of education and in full-time work, so that amount will reduce in the near future.  I know the ex and children are not well off, I believe they have combined net income for the 4 of them a little above mine, and I have no other dependencies.

On the one side I feel proud to be making the contribution, I know it is needed, and I don't feel I'm being manipulated or used by the ex.  On the other-hand though, she has zero debt, was able to buy more for each child at christmas, and is taking them all on holiday next year, while I am still struggling with accumulated debt after moving out.

It is cathartic sharing this, and having read some of what others have I appreciate it could be a whole heap worse!  It's certainly been on my mind though, not that money brings happiness, it's just nicer arriving to your problems in a limousine.

It just feels unfair, but without negatively impacting their livelihood, I'm not sure what the solution is; I'd certainly not want my children to go without, just don't want to be paying for her date nights in the process.

Completely agree. It's beyond unfair that someone can be left in serious financial hardship in order to support their ex partner. I wouldn't take out a loan for the amount of money that Child maintenance ask for. If it was any other section of society than men who were so negatively affected something would be done about it very quickly, yet here we are decades later with it still going on. I have 5 years left of payments and every contact from child maintenance makes me feel physically ill. My hands shake and I feel like I'm going to be sick and it takes me about a week to calm back down when letters or emails come from them. No one should be made to feel like this. 

@solo45 often they send people text messages at 10pm at night. if you get those and don't want to, you can log into your self-service account. there is an option to turn off text message notifications.

It is 10 months since my last post (above). I dropped in today, and as always I am dismayed to hear how poorly fathers are treated by our society.

I have been doing the shared parenting for the past 9 years, my son spends alternate weeks with me (changing over every Wednesday) - he will be 18 in 2 months time and I will have got him to adulthood in much better order than if that task had been left to his mother. He is a fine young man and we have an excellent relationship.

In spite of all the above the bias still continues: just last week my son had a medical appointment which happened to take place in a week he was with me. I drove him to the doctor's office, and was a bit annoyed that his mother had changed the medical practice without telling me. I then discovered (by coincidence) that my son's mother had changed his NHS records such that I was not mentioned (no name, address or phone number); there was a second phone number listed, but it was not mine (maybe it way her boyfriend's number - I don't know). I asked the NHS receptionist about it, who said if I wanted to change it I'd have to get my ex-wife's agreement - I don't think that is correct, but it does illustrate the institutional bias that pervades through every part of our society.

What do I do about it? Nothing of course, just like when the same thing has happened with my son's schools, his boy's football club, the county council, the DWP... my son offered to get it changed, but it isn't worth him causing a row with his mother, so as always we'll just leave it.

Was the shared parenting worth it? Without a doubt yes: I can look my son in the eye when he turns 18 in September and tell him I did everything I could; much better than that he understands that and knows the outcome was much better that if I'd left him to his mother's devices, as the state would have preferred.

Good fortune chaps.

O.

Thats lovely to hear and well done you.  Its hopefully an inspiration to others

This will probably be my final post on dad.info.

It is 9 months since my previous post (above). I have effectively reached the end of this journey: my son is now 18 and a fine young man, I'm very proud of him. He will complete his A levels in June and go off to university somewhere between Glasgow and Guildford - and I'm pleased to have given him a good start in life, in spite of the huge bias the state's agents have shown throughout.

I put my life on hold 10 years ago to focus on being a good dad. Now it is time for me to move forward.

I still read the same stories about dads who try to do the right thing for their children in this pages. The way our society treats fathers is despicable, everyone knows that but there is no progress whatsoever in correcting it. All I can say to other dads is 'be resolute, it is worth it in the end'.

Farewell, and good fortune,

O.

Glad to hear you now have a young adult, ready to spread their wings. Thanks for contributing to Dad Info. All best, Nell