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Hi. New user but I’ve been reading here for advice, thanks. Situation as follows-
Have a baby son with ex gf. Short relationship. Didn’t live together. We were already broken up and I didn’t want her to continue the pregnancy but she did which is another story. I tried to fix things when she was pregnant but she didn’t want to so it’s her choice that we are apart/not together. Regardless, son is here now and I adore him and want to be part of his life.
I haven’t been able to see him as much as I like as I’ve been away a lot for work. Ex is happy for me to see him as much as I want but tbh I don’t like having to see her… that’s just me being really honest. I would like to see son on my own but he’s breastfed and ex says he’s too little. I’ve seen him probably once every 2 weeks since he’s been born and he’s 6 months now.
Ex has also applied to CMS and I will be paying her £600 a month, despite her saying when pregnant that she would support our son herself. She has a good job and her own home and doesn’t need the money- I was putting money away and saving for our sons future but she is set on having the CMS. I’ve told her so many times I will help where I can and just to let me know what he needs but she’s not open to negotiating at all.
I have decided I want equal custody of my son, I want the chance to have an independent relationship with him the same as my ex. I don’t want to miss out on him growing up. I don’t want to see my ex and want to be able to spend time with him away from her. My family will help me with this.
The only factor I can think of that will be difficult is that we live roughly 2 hours apart. Does anyone know how this could work with 50/50? We are in the UK.
I was thinking if we did a week on and week off type scenario, we could look at 2 schools, 2 nurseries etc as the distance is too far to travel.
I’m not able to move due to work and I love where I live. I definitely live in a much better area than my ex and can give my son a far better quality of life here.
She has an older child with her ex husband and they actually have 50/50 so I think I could argue the same should go for our child. But this means she wouldn’t be able to move closer to me.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I think its unlikely you will get 50/50 while he is being breastfed as the logistics won't work. I also think its unlikely court would agree to two different schools as that could disrupt his education. However, thats a few years away and circumstances change. As your son gets older it will be easier for you to have him more often and you can work towards this. You could try mediation in the first instance before going to court for contact arrangements which is a long process and stressful. There are family mediators in every area so it shouldn't be too difficult to find one.
@champagne thanks for your response.
I have looked at mediation but I feel that it would be pointless as my ex is so unreasonable. My family haven’t been able to meet my son yet as she will not allow me to even take him for an hour on my own (they don’t want to see my ex at all).
I suppose it would be worth a try before the expense of court though?
I understand what you are saying about schooling and I wasn’t sure if it was something the court would consider. There is no chance my ex will move due to the older child. I really can’t see myself moving either as I want to stay where I am and it’s better here.
I think I will speak to a family solicitor as the sooner I get this all sorted the better… meanwhile I will suck up giving her the £600.
Have you checked that CMS have calculated the payment correctly? There is a calculator on their website so you can work it out if you think there might be an error. Yes, half an hour with a solicitor to get basic info is a good idea. Do try mediation if you can as its a lot cheaper and quicker. Its early days as your son is very young but hopefully contact time will increase as he gets older.
The courts would expect you to have tried mediation before going any further (and would probably send you back to try anyway if you didn't).
I echo the above with regards to schools etc, a week on/week off arrangement simply wouldn't work for a school, they get paid on the number of pupils, so filling half a space each doesn't work, plus how could one school set work and expect the other school to mark work they hadn't set.
I very much doubt you would get 50/50 on the above, and there is no reason why a court would take your son away from the mother to make a child arrangement order in your favour, so you need to work on getting as much contact as possible around that, which from my view, would be something like alternate weekends and time during school holidays.
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