Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hello,
Last year I managed to get a court order to have access to my son. At the start of last year the mother of the child went on a night out and got completely drunk, she managed to get home and collapsed in the bathroom floor whilst our son (just over 1 years of age) was sleeping. At that time the mother wouldn't allow me to have him overnight and to prevent an argument I agreed to this (I was only seeing him for the day). On the day in question I was at her house whilst she was out and she informed me that she would be back around 19:30. I had put our son to bed and was watching TV. At this time I need to stress that I hated being in her home but to prevent arguments and me being able to access my son I felt no choice but to do this. At around 19:00 the next door neighbour came in (she is friends with the mother) and said that she's happy for me to go home (I live 2.5 hours away) so I'm back home at a reasonable time and she would look after our son until the mother returns home. I agreed to this and went home.
The next day I got an angry phone call from the mother accusing me of leaving our son with the next door neighbour, and said that she was drunk. Now the mother didn't realise that I had the next door neighbours number, so I called her to ask if she was drunk after I left her with my son. This is when the next door neighbour informed me of the truth which was mentioned above about the mother being drunk and provided me with photographic evidence.
At this time I spoke with the social services because I didn't know what my rights are and what I can do if this was to ever happen again in future. The social services contacted the mother for safeguarding concerns and from that day the mother blocked contact and prevented me from seeing my son.
After 6 months I eventually got a court order that allowed me access to my son, in this court order I asked for pickup and drop off in a public place because she has accused me of some things that I haven't done and wanted to protect myself.
Rolling forward to present day, the mother is now refusing to drop off and pickup our son in a public place. So I don't know what to do because I have a court order and shes breaching that order.
I am looking at advice on how to proceed because the only options I can see are:
- Go back to court to enforce the court order but this will cost me thousands which I don't have.
- Walk away, giving up access to my son.
- Give in and go and pickup my son from her home, but she could then accuse me of things and have no evidence to prove that she is lying.
Hi,
So with your current court order, is it for child to stay with you every other weekend?
I would suggest you not give up and walk away. If you enforce court order, you could go by yourself and self-represent. With little guidance you should be fine. I have sent you a pm.
@bill337 Yes, that is correct. The court order states that my son is to stay with me every other weekend, and pickup/drop off in a public location unless agreed between the parents. She is basically trying to say that due to the weather (wind/rain... we live in England.) and that she is ill (she isn't) that she can no longer go to a public place.
The reason why I don't want to go to the house for pickup/drop off is because she has accused me during the relationship of disgusting things that I have never done, all these accusations appeared during the court case for the court order, I suspect she has said all this so she could get legal aid. This is why I want a public place so she cannot accuse me of anything, which she continues to do to this present day.
If she is unwilling to follow court order and is asking for you to pick up/drop off and you are uncomfortable with that, can you think about what you could do to ensure you maintain your contact without compromising your safety? ask someone else to accompany you etc
False allegations are awful.
I was advised, by the police, to invest in a body camera and to have on whenever there was potential for direct contact with ex. Whilst not ideal, this ensured I was safely able to collect the children and maintain a relationship with them.
There were many occasions where CAO child contact was withheld (door not opened, deliberately out, or even denying that I came to collect the children) the footage, whilst never used, gave peace of mind that I was not going mad and stopped any further false more serious allegations.
Unfortunately, in order to maintain a relationship with your son, you will need to have contact with ex.
Try to keep all communication in written form - (BIFF) Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly applying the 3 Ds, detach emotionally, disengage from argument and defend boundaries (CAO). Really difficult to do, it's taken me 3 years to get to this point. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that logic, rationability and reason, whilst in the tool kit, are not tools that will ever work.
Hang in there, learn techniques to manage the nonsense coming your way and try to stay sane.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.