[Solved] Been blocked access...

Hi Peter

I can't see the attachment but I can answer your questions....

If there is no contact order in place then she can more or less do as she likes.

I wouldn't advise stopping maintenance payments, your son still needs to be cared for whether he has contact with you or not. It will only further the discontent between you both.

I think her request for mediation is a sensible one, they are impartial and it will give you the opportunity to put your side across. Here's a link to the mediation service

www.nfm.org.uk

Legal aid is still available for mediation and you can check eligibility here

www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

Ok just seen the letter....it sound reasonable to me and it would sound reasonable to the authorities should this matter go further. I think you will achieve far more by communicating with the mother, a booster seat isn't really the correct seat for a child of your sons age in my opinion.

Thanks for your reply and the info. The seat i use is on the link below...

https://www.kiddicare.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/productdisplay0_10751_-1_147937_10001?cm_sp=Homepage-_-amazing%20deals-_-Kiddicare%20Traffic%20SP%20Group%201/2/3%20Car%20Seat%20Black/Red

If I do not want to initiate mediation ( I understand it is a voluntary process) would my only option be to apply for a contact order? (If we can't resolve it between us)

Also do you know what costs are involved for mediation? and also for applying for a contact order?

I do not want to stop the maintenance payments. Would I be breaking any laws though if I did?

I just feel cheated that I've been denied access when I have him a whole weekend every fortnight because she has a personal issue. It's still sinking in so apologies for coming across aggravated

I must note that it was not just me being hostile, she said some nasty things to, which I will be putting in my responding letter....

Ah ok I thought you said you used a booster seat, which are really only for older children.

The courts always consider mediation to be the first step, it's always better to try and negotiate a problem rather than ask the court to intervene...it should always be a last resort. I gave you a link to the calculator, if you answer the questions it will give you an answer to whether you can get legal aid for mediation.

If you are paying maintenance through the CSA then you will be in breach of the arrangement. The system is changing soon and if you have a record of late payment/arrears then you could well be put on collect and pay which will mean you will have to pay an extra charge of 20% of the amount you already pay, this goes to the government for collecting it....best to avoid that! If its a private arrangement then theoretically you could withhold payment....I don't think it would achieve much though, it would justify her actions in her own mind, why give her the opportunity to say you won't provide for your son. Point scoring never works in this situation, just my opinion.

No need to apologise, our kids should never be used as weapons, but they are far too often. If you want my advice, I would bite the bullet and get to mediation as soon as. All that matters is getting your contact back on track and there's no other way to do that other than sitting down with the mediator and getting it sorted. She has offered mediation and if you took it straight to court they would take a dim view of your refusal.

Thank you for your help and advice.

Mediation sounds like the best option, but I can't stress enough how difficult it is for either of us to even be in the same room as each other for more than a minute!!

I will respond in writing to this initial letter with answers back on all points raised, explaining;

- I did have a booster/ car seat in the car
- I did not request to have no more contact, only in context of the specific evening in question
- I was not the only one met with hostility & offensive remaks (bit petty but she seems to think it's worth putting in writing, so I'll do it to!)
- Meditation is something I'd rather not consider just yet
- Offer a routine, involving as little contact between us to avoid arguments in the future, with a specific time & place for pickup/drop-off

Please note I AM on the birth certificate, does this not give me any rights to visitation?

You actually don't necessarily need to sit in the same room, there is what's called shuttle mediation I think, which is where you sit in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth.

Having PR doesn't entitle you to contact unfortunately, neither does paying maintenance.

Hi Peter,

Mediaiton is really the best way forward. As NJ has suggested you don't have to be in the same room. Check out our Mediation FAQ - should have a lot of the answers to any questions you may have. Courts consider Mediation as the first step in the process.

I do not want to stop the maintenance payments. Would I be breaking any laws though if I did?

How are you paying maintenance ? Is it a private agreement or through the CSA? Either way the simple answer is don't withhold maintenance. If it is the CSA then they can and will take steps to chase you for arrears and if you do end up in court regarding access then the judge will not look kindly on the fact that you are/have withheld maintenance.

The simple answer to your question is that access agreed via mediation has a far better chance of suceeding than those forced on a separated couple during the court process.

It would also be worth your while looking at Splitting Up? Put Kids First. This has been set up to help separated parents develop a shared parenting agreement. It is not a magic wand but is a useful tool to get the two of you maybe communicating about what you want and what your son needs. Also it is a free service.

Keep talking.

Gooner

Hi Gooner,

Thanks for the info, will do some reading on it.

The maintenance is a private arrangement between us, I've always paid it without fail. The routine of me seeing my son is also a private arrangement to, so nothing we have is legally bound.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want my son going without. If I did put in my response that I was going to send the maintenance to a holding account until I get access back, I'd also say that if he needed anything urgent I'd happily pay for what he needs.

The way I see it (which is probably wrong because I'm still frustrated by it all) is that if she's stopping my access, I'll stop her money. Neither of us are legally bound to access or maintenance, but as stated, if our son needed anything I'd pay up no questions asked.

It's a tough one indeed!!

Before I send a letter of response I'm going to post it up here and get feedback in case I'm putting my foot in it!!

Pete.

HI Nannyjane and Peter. Nannyjane you may remember me from a few months ago. Similar situation to Peter. My life has moved on a bit now. I've just walked out of the final hearing in relation to a contact order.
I went through the entire proceedings without representation there's nothing to it. Just be clear and polite.
1) Rise above the fighting and do not worry about what either of you have said to each other. The courts are absolutely not interested.
2) If your ex is as angry and vindictive as mine (i doubt she is) she will lie to the courts anyway and you will not be able to do a thing about it unless you are willing to go to a contested hearing. So just rise above it.
3) i am 2 and a half years down the line and time does improve things. The insecurity you feel about whether your kids love you is unbearable - Believe me if you offer them love it comes back in bucket loads.
4) I am relentlessly told by my ex that the kids don't want to be with me but they don't want to upset me - I know that isn't true! I do know the kids will say what ever they think is right - They are desperately trying to avoid confrontation.
5) I've been through the courts to try and formalize my agreement with my ex. I got the agreement but the courts wouldn't make an order of it. It feels [censored] frustrating because what i wanted was for the courts to give her a proverbial slap on the wrist and tell her to grow up. What i actually got was a patronising 'well done you good parents for agreeing this' now go away and make it work. They totally missed the point that the reason i was at court was because we weren't making the existing contact agreement work. And yes i have exactly the same contact agreement as i had before i went to court. So why did i go to court? Because she kept telling me the kids 'want to stay at home' or 'don't want to go away with me'. So am i any further forward? I think so. The bottom line is even if the courts issued an order - she could still mess me about. what would i do? go back to court? what would they do? it's farcical.
6) what's the point of courts? None unless you are absolutely are at rock bottom with absolutely no other options.
7) Mediation - try it. But i disagree with Nannyjane. The courts didn't give a sh!t that my ex refused on 3 separate occasions to go to mediation even though she told the courts she would. But if that is what is needed to diffuse your situation and avoid court and get contact sorted - then go! absolutely - go.
8 ) The car seat issue - Rise above it. If you were wrong, swallow ya pride apologize and move forward. Don't under any circumstances waste your energy trying to justify yourself.
9) Enjoy what time you get with your kid - defuse her anger by doing what she says. It's a [censored] idea but the time you get with your kids is precious, just enjoy it.

All that from a frustrated dad who loves his kids to the end of the earth - but it feels like the courts don't care!

Thanks for your wise words Zesty.

As mentioned I'm going to do a bit more digging, I only got this letter through the post yesterday and was due to pick my son up as usual on Friday (tomorrow 7th Feb). So to all of a sudden be slapped with 'Your not seeing him until you do this...' has just upset and angered me.

Once I know my rights & what I can and can't do I'll make my move.

Once I've drafted a response I'm going to post up and go from there. Seems that this site is quite a tight-net community so hope to get support where I can.

Thanks all.

Pete.