[Solved] At the end of my tether tonight

This saddens me. I understand that you are being harassed, so be smart, change you number, your children are old enough you need not have contact with your ex. Stop putting stuff on social media that can be used against you, your children are likely being harassed and manipulated into disclosing information about your life, best keep it private, for their sake. Additionally, your finances are not your children’s business, stop engaging in conversations at different this subject, and keep your business to yourself. Approach CMS and discuss the matter of clothing, tell them your ex is not using the money paid and you feel your children are being neglected. Finally, be honest with your children, tell them you are feeling pressure, that it’s effecting your mental health, and that they need to stop putting pressure on you. They are not babies, you do not need to pick them up and drop them at their mothers door like a chauffeur. Work out the problem areas and set clear boundaries. With yr children, and your ex.

Hi thank you so much for all the messages! I really appreciate the support. I have been ignoring all the messages from the ex. Every one of them stating she cannot drop £50 a month under any circumstances. As I have been ignoring all the messages, last night she text saying she will be contacting my family this week for financial help. This has obviously now turned into an unacceptable situation to say the least!!!! I am fuming.
So I have decided to call the CMS today to open a case. She will then lose a lot more than £50!

However I am a bit concerned as I have always had a private arrangement with her and I have not read great things about paying through CMS directly. I cannot see any other way through this! My intention will then be to give the girls each a bit of the extra money I have been paying their Mum.

No doubt if £50 less has caused so much fuss, her getting £100 pound less is going to start world war 3. But I am not sure how else to approach the situation anymore. The private arrangement is no longer working in my favour. And the harassment is ever increasing. Is there any other way of doing this?

huh, so she contacts your family, then what? ask them all to ignore her.

Hold your fort. You're doing nothing wrong.

As for the CMS.. you should just use their calculation and pay that. Let her go to the CMS if she wants to and solidify that. You don't need to go to the CMS yourself.

When you go to the CMS, they can make it all official with a schedule - you would still prefer to pay her directly. If the CMS become middlemen between you, they will ask for 20% more and you don't want that.

Read up on the difference between collect and pay and direct pay.

By the way, what's to stop her harassing you if you go through the CMS? they will make it all official and she will still cry and harass.

So you better get that behaviour out now. Like a barking dog, it will tire out eventually.

hi,

i think you did the right thing by going to CMS. just pay the £20 and register. thats what I did when my ex's family were treating me like benefits office, demanding back-dated payments, and then disagreeing with the amount I am to pay lol. this should shut your ex up. then you just tell CMS you want to use direct pay option.

biggest drawback of using them is every year they will re-assess your income. so the more you earn, the more you pay. once CMS work out what you have to pay, just pay directly into Ex's account with ref: CHILD MAINTENANCE

You don't need to pay any extras.

My feeling is that in this case there may be some benefit to Kaput contacting CMS first, but interesting what others think, perhaps Bill?

By opening the case with CMS yourself, you control when it is closed. So if you want to revert to voluntary again you can, because you control if the case is closed or remains open. In my case although I offer to pay my ex more voluntary, she ignores and will not close the case to allow me to move to voluntary.

Also, if your ex receives a letter from CMS directly stating that X is due, she cannot argue that it should be different - it has become official and as a result of her intransigence. It makes it easier for Kaput to combat.

There should be no reason for it being collect and pay, this is only when the NRP does not pay that it can move to this. At the beginning it will be set up as Direct Pay and stay at that unless he does not pay over a period of time.

The one caveat to my advice is whether you may receive promotions, or job changes resulting in pay increases. This means regular reassessments and the CM increasing when this happens. So then if you earn more you pay more. This can be hidden if voluntary.

But, if your salary is expected to stay where it is now, I would be tempted to open a case with CMS myself. Wait for others advise too though 🙂