[Solved] Am I being unreasonable?

This is only a personal opinion but I believe what you pay should be fair according to the income both you and your ex partner have. Your kids are both of yours - you should both contribute what you can afford in fair proportion.
In other words if your ex is just trying to get more money from you but she can afford not to then you're not being unreasonable.
If she is genuinely struggling despite how much you already pay then maybe you are.
Only your conscience can decide - they are after all your kids and money means nothing at the end of the day.

I get that, but in reality i dont know her financial situation and no doubt never will. She claims she needs more money, but then is sitting on her 70% share of the house equity, a nice big 4 bedroom property that I am still on the mortgage for so the kids didnt have to move from their home, and kept all the house contents i owned half of. Im left with no financial security and no way to buy my own home as I cant get a mortgage so the kids had security

Money is money and doesnt mean that much at the end of the day, i agree, but its also the root cause of most arguments. Im not allowed any more access, but requests for money have increased. She brings home more than me, but has more to pay out. She had the option to downsize and pocket a hefty payout but decided against that and for that reason struggles due to a huge mortgage. Then I get requests for more money.

I personally think its unfair, but o love my kids with everything i am and i try and give them everything I can. But i dont like to be taken for a ride.

Hello onemansstruggle,

Are you paying maintenance through the CMS or is it a private mutual agreement between you and your Ex?

If it is the former and you are paying through the CMS then that is what you pay, any other expenses you choose to pay for are at your discretion and you don't have to pay if you do not want to.

Maintenance was agreed during our divorce settlement, i pay directly to her and not via CMS

I am out of my depth here as I do not know if the agreement during your divorce settlement is legally binding with regard to child maintenance.

If you look at the CMS (Child Maintenance Service) calculator this will give you an indication as to what you would be paying if they were involved.

I am sure one or more moderator will be on site later who will be able to give you the link to the CMS site and also give of their opinion regarding your situation at present.

Unfortunately my computer is being awkward and not letting me get to the sites I want to, so I am unable to give you the link.

If it was me I'd want proof of her income and expenditure - explain that you want to be reasonable and fair for the kids sake but that you have limits and you need to know the true situation. If she doesn't want to give you more information I'd say that's a good indicator she's not telling you everything.
You've given up your home for your kids sake and can't get a mortgage because of it - that sounds more than fair to me. You should have a fair idea of what her income and expenditure is anyway given that you used to live there.

How long ago was the divorce financial order? If it's more than a year, then you can apply to the CMS and their calculation overrides the court order and that is all you are legally required to pay. From what you have told us, she does seem to be using you to live a more extravagant lifestyle (ie now downsizing if she can, especially with you still on the mortgage) than necessary, so I would say you are being reasonable.

I have to say that Paul_6611's first post on this thread is the perfect attitude in my opinion, and I couldn't have written his sentiment any better than he expressed it 🙂

Thanks All.

The settlement was around 18months ago and i do pay approx £50 lower than the CSA calculator shows. However, we agreed a lower maintenance payment limit as she had 70% of the equity value in the house, all the house contents and I stayed on the mortgage so she didnt lose the home. Now 4 years on, im being asked to increase my maintenance and give more money over because costs have increased. Thats wasnt the agreement and now im given the guilt trip every time something comes up.

I know she takes home more than me, with salary, benefits and maintenance from me etc. She had the opportunity to downsize as she lives in a big 4 bed house in a nice part of town with a huge mortgage, but didnt want to move the kids away from their birth home. I get that, but she has needlessly stretched herself beyond her means and although I spend a lot on my kids im now being asked for more money. I am left with no financial security and unable to buy a home because i am on the mortgage at my old home to try and give my kids some security.

The reality is, I pay maintenance to my ex and I also spend a lot directly with the kids when they are with me. From paying for school trips to clothes, school stuff, toys, hobbies and I have a savings account I put into every month to save for the kids future. I feel i do enough and I dont have a bottomless pit of money she can tap into whenever she wants, and when she doesnt get it trys to give me the guilt trip.

I question myself all the time as my kids are my world which is why i wanted some impartial advice from people who dont know me.

It's such a tricky situation, particularly in view that you are still on the mortgage.

I agree with actd about Paul's comments 100%.

Perhaps, if you are considering paying extra, you could suggest taking the kids to buy some of the uniform? Or if it is for after school clubs etc, you could pay the school direct.

Without knowing either of your full financial situations it would be unfair for me to comment on this as to what I think is a fair arrangement.

Kids however, are very expensive and school uniform costs in August can be horrific and if she is stretching herself beyond her means, she might be struggling to afford these? Just a thought.

Me and my ex have a similar arrangement of lower than CMS maintenance because we are both self employed but we also split costs of uniform, clubs, activities as they arise.

I would say pick your battles, if you feel the situation could deteriorate, it might be worth considering an offer to sit down with your ex to go through your finances together or think about attending an appointment with a mediator.

Good luck

hi,

You dont legally have to pay anything more than the CSA order you to, the rest is down to discretion. I have read your post but i have not gone through the replies, so you will have probably already been told this. I know i have contributed far much more than i should, only because a child needs so much more than £50 a week i have been ordered to pay. As i said it is down to discretion.

Paul

Hi there

Once court ordered maintenance has been in place for 12 months it can be overridden by the CMS. Have you done a calculation using their calculator, to see what you would expect to pay, I think it's roughly 16% of gross income for two kids, with reductions made if you pay into a pension and have the children overnight. Here's alink to the CMS calculator.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Once you have a calculated amount you could then use it to negotiate with her, if she were to open a case with the CMS the amount they calculate is the total amount you would have to pay, any extra payments for school uniforms or anything else are discretionary. I'm not suggesting that you cut what you pay towards your children, but it might help her to realise the limitations and that she is asking too much of you.

It's admirable that you are helping to keep the children in their birth home, but perhaps it might be time to re visit this, if she is living beyond her means, it might be better if she downsizes, which would free you up to move on with your life too.

Best of luck