[Solved] Advice needed

Hi Simpo,

I think that maybe your jumping the gun a bit with equal custody.... please do not get your hopes up on this.... you are only going to get it if you have a good relationship with the mother and she agrees. if shes not going to agree then do not even consider it.... concentrate on simply trying to get regular time with your child each week and build that relationship up when the time comes.

I entered the minefield (that is family law) around six months ago and believed that me and ex would have equal right but not really knowing a thing.... the more that i've found out since, the more i've come to realise that fathers and mothers simply do not have equal rights when it comes to their children..... not even close.... it is far easier than i ever realised for a mother to stop a father from having a relationship with their child......i thought that we'd both have an equal say in matters.... but no, not so.

I think the first thing you need to do is find out if your going to have parent responsibility or not? mothers automatically get it with the birth of the child but fathers do not. Yes you will have to pay maintenance as this is your biological offspring however if you do not have PR at birth then you'll have no say and no rights to see your child..... the law is a right pile of **** in some respects.

The best advice i can offer is start building bridges with your child's mum... swallow your pride and be as nice as possible to her..... you have a hormonal pregnant woman to deal with that is extra protective of the child that she is carrying...... your have to show her that you are not a threat and that you would like to be a part of your child's life.... use kiddy gloves, and be extra nice even if she provokes an argument.

there are online tools to work out how much maintenance you'll have to pay if you work.... I think you should probably assume that for a start (first 9-12 months) there will be no overnights stays.... particularly when the child is so small and if the mother wants to breastfeed. When you have a figure to hand then go and have a conversation with mum..... say that you would like to give £xxxx to help pay for things for your child but that you would also like your child to know who their father is and spend some regular time together.... its all about your mindset how you approach this.... most of us have the best intentions but do it wrong....

When your child is born..... even if you can arrange to spend just half hour per day under mothers supervision..... or an hour or two supervised by her or her family per week..... its better than nothing. I would start by trying to build up the trust now and show her that your able to look after your newborn child when the time comes.... but you won't get anywhere if you cannot get on to good terms with her....... if all else fails then there is court to consider but this is a hard slog.... very expensive..... should only be considered as a very last resort..... there are many many other steps to take first..... but it all starts with trying to build a better relationship with mum first before the baby is born..... somehow..... keep asking question in the mean time.....

hope this is of some help

CM

Really good advice there - definitely work at building the best relationship you can with the mother and try to agree a schedule of seeing your child as often as you can.

Am sure there will be other members along to share there experiences with you too.

Good luck and congratulations.

thank you very much, as much as some wasn't what I wanted to hear it was very useful, at the moment it is hard coming to terms that I may not be able to see my child as much as I would like.

thank you once again.

You're very welcome. I hope things go okay for you. Keep posting and we will do what we can to support you.