Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I'm interested in the experiences of other NRP in dealing with an Ex who remains confrontational years after divorce - particularly when it comes to money.
At present I am about to send my ex an additional £50 to cover the insurance excess on our sons iPad after he broke it. This is not the first time (and I doubt it will be the last) that my ex has demanded that I pay for what she calls "extra's" on top of what I pay her in Child maintenance. The child maintenance payments are calculated by the CMS and as I'm a high earner are substantial. I dont begrudge the payments as I don't see these as payments to my Ex but as payments to provide for our son. These "extras" though are becoming a habit with her. There is never any discussion or attempt at agreement - she simply sends a demand and if it does not result immediately in payment then she uses our son to try to blackmail me (strong words I know but thats effectively what she does).
I know how much it costs to keep him and would willingly contribute to anything which I think he would benefit from if our joint contributions will not cover it. Unfortunately my ex seems to think that anything she decides is an "extra" will be automatically covered by me in full irrespective of whether she is contributing anything financially herself. Quite often this manifests itself in a curt demand for the money backed up by a message from her to pay up via our son when I next see him. I have asked her not to involve him and to request a contribution rather than demand payment but sadly two years on we are making no progress.
As you can imagine this is very frustrating. Has anyone else experienced this type of thing? If you have how did you approach it and was it successful?
it's not uncommon, I'm afraid. As you are aware, the maintenance covers all you are legally required to pay and anything extra on top is "voluntary". I doubt that there is any way you can deal with this in a way that your ex will find reasonable, so you either have to put your foot down and refuse (and explain to your son that his mother shouldn't be including him in the argument) or possibly see if you can get your ex to agree to discuss expenses with you before they are paid.
Hi There,
.
Maybe you could try and put your foot down in a different way, lay down the law and explain that if she needs money for "extra's" you will pay half of what is required, but that this will only be paid if she requests this through you and that payment will need to be made directly to her and not through your son, and that if he is involved in the process then no payment will be made at all.
.
you may find that the risk of losing additional payments will make her think twice.
.
GTTS
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.