[Solved] Were you bullied at school? Or were you the bully?

I was bullied as a kid, in those days school didn't seem to do much about it. Wonder if things have improved in this day of PC?

Yes i was bullied once i reached secondry school. I got there a term late having moved towns. That pretty much set the scene for the next 5 years of school life...i didn't fit in. There were probably about 8 guys friendship groups in my year and i drifted between them year by year, term by term, desperatly wanting to fit in and be excepted. In the end i hung out with a group of girls which of course meant more bullying about my sexuality so then i became a gothic as i realised being alone and "differant" was all part of that culture. For me dressing in black meant folk left you alone. The long term effect is that i still carry a sense of not fitting in, not being good enough. I mentally prepare myself for people to lose interest in me, for them to get bored of my company and move on to new friendships and i def still feel more comfortable around female company than male. I hate being in all male company, it makes me really fearful. (this website being the exception - gosh i'm being deep!) The thing is that coz i expect it to happen it does, it's a self decared prophecy in someway. It effects my work life, my friendships, my marrage and my fathering. Not long after i got married i started to be fearful that my wife would leave me, now i'm a dad i am fearful that my sons will see me for who i percieve myself to be, a shallow, fearful, timid kind of guy who doesn't quite fit in. I gave up the goth stuff at 16 but interestingly at 40 i still dress against the social norm and have that "unusual style" label that comes from wearing vintage stuff. But it is a means of saying to folk "Look at me i don't fit in and I don't want to, i'm a non conformist!!

So Buzz what are you going to do with your 12 bore revalation?

Freerunner - that is pretty vunerable thanks. You seem to have a pretty good insight into how these things effect you. Can i ask how you see yourself overcoming these? I'd like to ask you more about your comment when you said that you fear your sons "will see me for who i percieve myself to be" Are you saying that you realise that the feelings of folk getting bord of you and losing interest in you are a perception in your head and not the truth? Are you your own worst enamy in all of this?

I feel i should say i'm not a counsellor or anything and i hope you don't mind me asking these questions!

westwingfan - i'll answer our questions when Buzz asnwers mine!!! 😆

So Buzz what are you going to do with your 12 bore revalation?

Good questions Freerunner... I think the main thing has been a shift in my own thinking about why i want approval from others (deep i know) and just checking myself in situations... I suppose i've come to realise over the years that i actually like myself, might i even go so far as to say LOVE myself... Therefore i am 'more than worthy' of friends that value me for just who i am... This is taking some adjustment in my thinking but i refuse to look for approval from others since it never satisfies...

It has also affected my parenting, as i work hard to tell my kids i love them everyday, but more than that love them for who they are - warts and all... It can be a challenge when their behaviour isn't all that lovable but yet i suppose that's the point of a father... we love our kids because... we love them... regardless of what they do good or bad.. they are still my kids...

Does that make sense?

Buzz - thats a bit deep.... To infinity my friend...

It seems like everyone voting on this post has been bullied themselves... who did all that bullying? Are you out there??

I like the article on bullying - very helpful especially the top tips at the end - see http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/bully ... llying.php

Don't know if anyone saw or read this article but worth looking at. Its a mum writing about discovering that her son was bullying other boys at school. I know anti-bullying week is over but this is the first thing i've seen from the bully perspective.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/200 ... ur-schools

Anyone out there had to go through the same thing as this couple? What support and info is there out there for parents whose kids bully.

bullied

father in the forces living in Germany at the time when the IRA was really active. hi sense of insecurity because of need for high level security. moved house every 2-4 years.

sent to boarding school at 11yrs and left there by parents.
at 11 and 12 abused by house staff.
tried to run away from school at 12 but failed.
parents 1000miles away - all alone
at 13 joined scout troop and one of their games was that a person would tap you on the head. as soon as they started doing that they started whipping you with the buckle from the scout masters buckle until you got back to your seat.
did not fit into social crowd as overweight and by now very insecure and shy.
in senior house at 14 and now experiencing senior school bullying....
common showers - people regularly pissed on by older boys
common bog washes
in common room lounge and regularly bundled by older lads.
regular midnight pillow bashes. some pillows were "loaded" with things to make them harder and therefore more painful.

these are some of the experiences I had while at school.

how am I now?

dealt with a lot of it in life but it is the finer points that are too upsetting that sit in the darkness and have not been talked about. now having to have sessions to deal with the stress I put myself under at work and home. I am a teacher.

I love my job and my family but the pressure I put myself under because I feel I am not good enough is immense. the kids I work with are brilliant and so are the majority of the teachers. However, I am insecure and when I feel threatened by a person at work find it difficult to cope.

I am getting better with it but I am now 38.

bullying is something which I have experienced and it DOES go through the years affecting how we deal with life, especially those close to us.

I am getting better and I am now starting to appreciate the need for me to view myself better than I have and to talk about how I feel. It is in talking openly with people that I am starting to feel free. it is sometimes just hard to find the people you feel initially confident with that you can talk to.

Thanks for sharing bud - that sounds horrendous... As you say talking about it is key to breaking both the shame and the power.. I really connected with Buzz's post at the start of this thread that as he talked it through he realized the dynamic that had played itself out and affected his own self worth... I was bullied and remember constant bruises on my arms from 'beats'.. but i was so insecure i know i was an easy target - always looking for affirmation...

Thats one of the reasons i tell my kids how great they are as often as i can - it almost feels like building a forcefield around them.... i read somewhere about how powerful a fathers words of affirmation are - so its the least i can do 😉

While it wasn't an on-going issue, there were times when I was bullied as a child at school. Both my kids are much bigger than I was at their age, so I've worked very hard to ensure that they don't bully. I personally detest bullies and am glad to see that school systems seem to be changing the way that they address this issue. One of my boys is in middle school and his school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. If confirmed, the first offense two offenses are detention. The 3rd strike gets a expulsion for 2 weeks and the 4th one gets permanent expulsion for the remainder of the year.