[Solved] Were you bullied at school? Or were you the bully?

I was bullied as a kid, in those days school didn't seem to do much about it. Wonder if things have improved in this day of PC?

Yes i was bullied once i reached secondry school. I got there a term late having moved towns. That pretty much set the scene for the next 5 years of school life...i didn't fit in. There were probably about 8 guys friendship groups in my year and i drifted between them year by year, term by term, desperatly wanting to fit in and be excepted. In the end i hung out with a group of girls which of course meant more bullying about my sexuality so then i became a gothic as i realised being alone and "differant" was all part of that culture. For me dressing in black meant folk left you alone. The long term effect is that i still carry a sense of not fitting in, not being good enough. I mentally prepare myself for people to lose interest in me, for them to get bored of my company and move on to new friendships and i def still feel more comfortable around female company than male. I hate being in all male company, it makes me really fearful. (this website being the exception - gosh i'm being deep!) The thing is that coz i expect it to happen it does, it's a self decared prophecy in someway. It effects my work life, my friendships, my marrage and my fathering. Not long after i got married i started to be fearful that my wife would leave me, now i'm a dad i am fearful that my sons will see me for who i percieve myself to be, a shallow, fearful, timid kind of guy who doesn't quite fit in. I gave up the goth stuff at 16 but interestingly at 40 i still dress against the social norm and have that "unusual style" label that comes from wearing vintage stuff. But it is a means of saying to folk "Look at me i don't fit in and I don't want to, i'm a non conformist!!

So Buzz what are you going to do with your 12 bore revalation?

Freerunner - that is pretty vunerable thanks. You seem to have a pretty good insight into how these things effect you. Can i ask how you see yourself overcoming these? I'd like to ask you more about your comment when you said that you fear your sons "will see me for who i percieve myself to be" Are you saying that you realise that the feelings of folk getting bord of you and losing interest in you are a perception in your head and not the truth? Are you your own worst enamy in all of this?

I feel i should say i'm not a counsellor or anything and i hope you don't mind me asking these questions!

westwingfan - i'll answer our questions when Buzz asnwers mine!!! 😆

So Buzz what are you going to do with your 12 bore revalation?

Good questions Freerunner... I think the main thing has been a shift in my own thinking about why i want approval from others (deep i know) and just checking myself in situations... I suppose i've come to realise over the years that i actually like myself, might i even go so far as to say LOVE myself... Therefore i am 'more than worthy' of friends that value me for just who i am... This is taking some adjustment in my thinking but i refuse to look for approval from others since it never satisfies...

It has also affected my parenting, as i work hard to tell my kids i love them everyday, but more than that love them for who they are - warts and all... It can be a challenge when their behaviour isn't all that lovable but yet i suppose that's the point of a father... we love our kids because... we love them... regardless of what they do good or bad.. they are still my kids...

Does that make sense?

Buzz - thats a bit deep.... To infinity my friend...

It seems like everyone voting on this post has been bullied themselves... who did all that bullying? Are you out there??

I like the article on bullying - very helpful especially the top tips at the end - see http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/bully ... llying.php

Don't know if anyone saw or read this article but worth looking at. Its a mum writing about discovering that her son was bullying other boys at school. I know anti-bullying week is over but this is the first thing i've seen from the bully perspective.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/200 ... ur-schools

Anyone out there had to go through the same thing as this couple? What support and info is there out there for parents whose kids bully.

bullied

father in the forces living in Germany at the time when the IRA was really active. hi sense of insecurity because of need for high level security. moved house every 2-4 years.

sent to boarding school at 11yrs and left there by parents.
at 11 and 12 abused by house staff.
tried to run away from school at 12 but failed.
parents 1000miles away - all alone
at 13 joined scout troop and one of their games was that a person would tap you on the head. as soon as they started doing that they started whipping you with the buckle from the scout masters buckle until you got back to your seat.
did not fit into social crowd as overweight and by now very insecure and shy.
in senior house at 14 and now experiencing senior school bullying....
common showers - people regularly pissed on by older boys
common bog washes
in common room lounge and regularly bundled by older lads.
regular midnight pillow bashes. some pillows were "loaded" with things to make them harder and therefore more painful.

these are some of the experiences I had while at school.

how am I now?

dealt with a lot of it in life but it is the finer points that are too upsetting that sit in the darkness and have not been talked about. now having to have sessions to deal with the stress I put myself under at work and home. I am a teacher.

I love my job and my family but the pressure I put myself under because I feel I am not good enough is immense. the kids I work with are brilliant and so are the majority of the teachers. However, I am insecure and when I feel threatened by a person at work find it difficult to cope.

I am getting better with it but I am now 38.

bullying is something which I have experienced and it DOES go through the years affecting how we deal with life, especially those close to us.

I am getting better and I am now starting to appreciate the need for me to view myself better than I have and to talk about how I feel. It is in talking openly with people that I am starting to feel free. it is sometimes just hard to find the people you feel initially confident with that you can talk to.

Thanks for sharing bud - that sounds horrendous... As you say talking about it is key to breaking both the shame and the power.. I really connected with Buzz's post at the start of this thread that as he talked it through he realized the dynamic that had played itself out and affected his own self worth... I was bullied and remember constant bruises on my arms from 'beats'.. but i was so insecure i know i was an easy target - always looking for affirmation...

Thats one of the reasons i tell my kids how great they are as often as i can - it almost feels like building a forcefield around them.... i read somewhere about how powerful a fathers words of affirmation are - so its the least i can do 😉

While it wasn't an on-going issue, there were times when I was bullied as a child at school. Both my kids are much bigger than I was at their age, so I've worked very hard to ensure that they don't bully. I personally detest bullies and am glad to see that school systems seem to be changing the way that they address this issue. One of my boys is in middle school and his school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. If confirmed, the first offense two offenses are detention. The 3rd strike gets a expulsion for 2 weeks and the 4th one gets permanent expulsion for the remainder of the year.

I was quite small and apparently got bullied a fair bit. Strange thing is that I don't remember it, but my mother does.

i got bullied a bit in primary school. this real ugly kid and his mate used to find me and swing me around and around at playtimes. he also used to try and follow me home or to school and intimidate me. i learnt to not show any fear and as i'd always had a big mouth and a way with words, i tried to be cleverer than them. i knew more swearwords than they did! they got bored of bullying me in the end as i wasn't afraid anymore.

i was a bully as well. i used to kick people in the shins and swore a lot in primary. even in secondary school i used to take the mick out of people i didn't take to. i used to have a bit of a following as well and i used to make others bully i guess. at 14 i guess i grew up and stopped all the childish behaviour.

i think i bullied because i had a tough home life and by me being a nasty piece of work, that made me feel better. i was a really angry kid, hated authority (i still do!) and being violent or foul-mouthed was the last thing people expected. i didn't bully all the time. i was a loyal friend and respected my teachers. it was a way of me saying "they're messing with me at home, but there's no way ANYONE is gonna mess with me at school".

Yes I've been bullied in girl boarding schools. But I took care of it on my own. It can work both ways, although I have to admit, I was only bullied once and it didn't end well for the bully. I bullied the bullies until I felt satisfied they understood the humiliation. And then I felt bad for being a bully. You will just get into trouble.

The otherthing about being a bully is you set yourself to be a target - and boy that is tough!!

Here are some articles on the site relating to these issues

My child is a bully

Bullying

The Scary Guy interview

Top tips on bullying

Gooner

i was bullied at school , due to the fact i was a English boy in a Scottish school, we moved up to Dundee from Coventry when i when i was 8 year old. i can to a new country , new town, and couldn't understand a single thing anyone said in a supposedly English speaking county ( Scottish dialect to a 8 year old is like listening to some of the Arab country speak, . gobbledy gook lol. well it started within the first month of me being in Dundee beofre a boy called Norman started telling me to f off back off back to England, then stealing from me , then him and a couple of his mates started hitting me , and chasing me down the road from school every night. this went on for about 4 years until i started high school. i never had the guts to stand up to him until suddenly i had enough in 2nd year or my backbone grew lol.in p.e we were playing hockey and he kept tripping me up with his hockey stick or hitting me in the back of the legs with it . i just snapped . threw down my hockey stick and belted him as hard as i could and as many times as i could, he ended up with a broken nose a black eye and bruising on his chest back and head. i got suspended from school for 2 weeks for that but it was worth it after all the years of being picked on by him. he left me alone after that. it was only then that i actually started to feel settled down on Dundee . the weird thing is now a days when ever ive seen him we have went for a pint and and had a natter and we get on well now , not buddy but occasional pub friends , and i was at his wedding a couple of years ago .
it taught me to stand up for my self and not let people get you down.

Hi everyone,
I was also bullied at school but it was not a problem for me either.
Thanks

I was never bullied at school but both my younger brother and wife were at their respective schools.

My wife still bares the mental scars today.

My brother was verbally bullied for quite a few years at school but has come out the other side without any side effects. He is a really confident together guy and a brilliant dad.

I was bullied both at school and at home and it has a lasting effect on me.

My brother is about 2 and a half years older then me and for a few years we went to the same schools. My brother is severely autistic and at that time very little was known about it and there was very little support. My brother was in all the remedial classes in secondary school and because of it everyone thought he was thick. they also started to tar me with the same brush so most of my secondary school life, i had to put up with people putting me down and calling me thick like my brother.

Also i had no support at home as my step-father was a mental bully and would very rarely spend time with either of me or my brother unless it was something he was interested in and he was better than us at it. My mother had all on trying to protect herself let alone protect us at times. this gave me very little self worth and made it difficult to forge friendships with people for any length of time.

also some of my so-called friends would make fun of me over anything they could find and it has taken me years to finally realise what sort of people they are but the damage has been done.

I have gone through most my adult life struggling to forge new lasting relationships either personally or at work because most of my childhood/young adolescant life i was made to feel worthless. I have very little self confidence and wont approach anything new unless i can gaurentee what the outcome will be for fear of embarrasment at doing something wrong. I find it very difficult to ask anyone for help if i have a problem with anything.

i can only say i was lucky to find one person that can see beyond my lack of social skills and love me for me.

I too was bullied to some degree. Of course i didn't like it, and did make me less confident. Now im an adult, these people cant touch me now, and i have a choice not to hang around them, which you cant really do in school. But one or two of them, today, in my opinion are a little instable and would still not go near them. It seems as much as it affects you, you may still feel a bit afraid, and a bully continues to get stronger. Thats just my thoughts.

My son, has also been affected by bullying, and i dont know how to help him, He doesn't like to mention it, because he thinks i will make it worse. I only heard of the incident, because i asked my son how was school, he said he didn't go, so i asked why, then he put his mum on the phone, and she told me sort of what happened, and said she dealt with it. My son said her didnt want to tell me.

He's knows his mum and i were bullied at school. So we both feel very strongly about the issue. So i rang him up regularly after, hoping that is a kind of emotional support.

Is there anything else constructive i can do?

I would speak to him to see if you can persuade him to agree for you to tell the school - if the school aren't aware of it, they can't stop it. They should have robust anti bullying policies and your son won't be the first case they've dealt with, so they'll know the dangers.

Hi Abbeyroad,

Check out these articles on the site for some practical advice :

Top tips on bullying
Bullying

Hope these are of some help.

Gooner

My son has recently been sent text messages from the current boyfriend of his ex. As you can imagine they are not very pleasant.

So I phoned him up as the bill payer and told him very clearly that these texts were unwelcome and that if the continued I would first of all call the school as they were sent in school time and then the police.

I think he got the message as we haven't received any more

And I called the school anyway - because I am very unforgiving!!!

What made it funny was the previous night we had been at the school listening to the head of 6th form telling us that the 6th form pupils were a great example for the school. Put her right too!!!

And I called the school anyway - because I am very unforgiving!!!!

That made me howl with laughter 😀

I agree with you that "Bullying is serious stuff and can ruin our kids lives' Kids who are bullied can lose interest in school. They may suffer physical injuries and mental health issues.