[Solved] talking to my kids

i think this is really good advice - i always squat down when i talk to my kids, i think it shows them value and when they are really young it helps them know you are talking to them and not a sibling. I found i spent far to long trying to get their attention where as now i walk over squat down and start my sentences off with their name and tell them exactly what i want them to do or what they have done wrong.

Hi Westwingfan

Thanks for starting a great thread we thought we would add some simple but really effective talking tips to try out with your kids: We'll get this edited and add it to the toolbox as an article in the next few weeks... 😉

Connect before you direct - Before giving your child directions, squat down to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get their full attention. This helps them know you are talking directly at them and helps to focus their attention on what you are telling them to do: Be aware of your body language and your tone of voice so your child knows you mean what you say - be clear - be firm - be calm and be specific.

Address your child clearly by using their name - This makes sure your child knows that you are actually talking to them and gets rid of any misunderstanding. Often children are really engrossed in what they are doing so using their name grabs their attention quickly and easily. So start your request with your child’s name.

Stay brief - Use the simple but effective one-sentence rule and put your main point in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf! Too much talking is a very common mistake parents make when talking to their kids about an issue. Also it cuts to the chase and stops the whole situation turning into just a nagging session which is far more positive.

Stay simple - Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood or listened to. So take the hint! A really simple way to check they have heard you is to ask them to repeat the request back to you!

Make them an offer they can't refuse - You can reason a little with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives them a reason to move out of their power position and do what you want them to do. But don’t bribe them with sweets or biscuits or too much TV as it sends out the wrong message and never beg them - that gives away your power completely.

Be positive - Always speak in the positive so instead of saying "no running," try: " Walk around inside the house, but outside in the garden you can run."

Begin your instructions with "I want." - Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered about. By saying "I want," you give a reason for being obedient rather than just giving an order.

"When...then." - This is a very useful little tip as it works so well as you are completely in control and getting what you expect achieved."When you’ve washed your hands and face and brushed your teeth, then we'll begin the story." "When your homework is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," implies that you expect obedience, and works better than "if," which suggests that your child has a choice when you don't mean to give them one.

Legs first, mouth second - Instead of shouting, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and then get your child to turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as just a preference and take no notice of you.

Give choices - "Do you want to put your pyjamas on or brush your teeth first?" This gives your child the feeling of being independent and in more control of their lives but really you still has the situation under your control but it sounds less domineering and bossy and makes for a more harmonious atmosphere.

Be aware of your child’s maturity - The younger your child, the shorter and simpler your instructions should be. Think about your child's level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their behaviour! Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did." And this works just as effectively with teenagers too!

Keep your expectations high - Even a two-year-old can learn to say "please." And “thank you” Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you. The earlier you start the easier it will turn into a natural habit

Be aware of the language you use - Threats and judgmental remarks put children of any age on the defensive.
"You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are non-accusing. So instead of saying "You'd better do this..." or "You must...," try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not really an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please." It is more specific and children know where they are with clear instructions and will respond to what you want them to do faster.

Empathising with your child - The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child
catch their breath while you pop in empathetic and understanding comments: "I understand" or "How can I help?" “I can see you’re feeling really angry about this” Sometimes just having a caring listener available will really calm your child down as they feel heard and understood and their anger or tantrum melts away. If you come in blaring too you have escalated the problem and you’ve got two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for your child.

Settle and calm down the listener - Before giving your instructions, bring back a sense of calm and emotional equilibrium and balance, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.

Replay your message - Toddlers sometimes need to be told a thousand times in a patient tone of voice what you want them to do because children under two have difficulty internalising your instructions. Whereas by the age of three most children have begun to internalise your instructions so that what you ask begins to sink in. The key is to do less and less repeating as your child gets older. I think it’s helpful to remember that most preteens regard repetition as nagging!

Let your child complete and process their thoughts - Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Think of where you want to keep all your football stuff."

Give advance notice - "We are leaving in 3 minutes. Say bye to the toys and bye to all your friends before we go…"

Use "When you…I feel…because… I would like …." - This strategy works from toddlers to teens as it expresses how you feel but also explains why you feel the way you do and takes the blame from the situation.
“When you run away from me in the supermarket I feel worried because you might get lost. I would like you to stay close to me”

Close the discussion - end of story. - Sometimes you have to be the adult in the situation as you have your child’s best interest at heart and you are there to guide, nudge and teach them. If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry."

I've been trying to get the wife to apply the first three to me for years: use my name to get my attention, make sure you've got it before you start and keep it brief! Especially if you need to talk to me while I'm watching the telly. Actually, I've never mentioned the last - can't see that going down well - but it'd be nice.

Keep your expectations high - Even a two-year-old can learn to say "please." And “thank you”

Even younger than that: I took my daughter to baby-signing classes from 7 months. Can't remember exactly when she learned to sign please/thank you (same sign) but I think it was around 18 months.

I maintain an eye-to-eye contact when talking to my kids
when my son did wrong, i look at him straight and ask, "what have you learned?"
i keep it that my small one doen't know how to distinguish right from wrong, so i'll make him understand the consequences of his actions. before i go to office, i see to it that my son and I enjoy the breakfast and, at the end of the day, i ask him to tell me stories about his school, teachers, friends, and his mum

haha, Tallman, that was funny (even though it was written AGES ago!

I also find picking my little ones up a lot to have a conversation with them. Somehow, my 4 yr old son loves coming 'up' to my level.