[Solved] Emotionally battered

Listen mate, I know its [censored]. Its still a nightmare for me. Every time I hand back my son I feel like a failure. But if you look at my messages from about 2 years ago, youll see how bad it was for me. Luckily its not that bad anymore. Its still nasty, I'm not gonna lie. But it gets better. Being here helps, youre on the right website. These guys helped me a lot. I used to look over their replies to my thread starter when I was sick with depression.
Hang in their bro. Your kids need Daddy to stay strong.

I am trying so hard to keep it together. It's so difficult when vital pieces of evidence for your case are refused, especially recorded evidence. When barristers are telling outright lies in court, when the outcome of the hearings could result in further threats of violence. When cafcass and the courts ignore everything that your ex has done, even criminal activity, and they turn everything against you.
Why only a finding of fact against me, not my ex?
The complexity of everything is so overwhelming that I spend days if not weeks working on this. Weeks transcribing recordings, putting my evidence together, all to be ignored by the courts. No legal help from anywhere.
And throughout all of it, the children are kept from dad based on a huge pile of lies and there's nothing I can do about it.
When I started this, I thought I'll take it through court - then justice will be done! The truth will out and they will see how manipulative my ex is and how I'm innocent of everything I'm being accused of. It was all recorded.
Now I'm looking back and all I is see is lies and corruption and what seems to me an obstruction of justice and attempts to hide the truth.
I fear that I may not have the strength to stick with it, that I might for my own peace of mind and sanity have to walk away. And I will never ever be able to forgive myself for leaving the children with someone who is so prone to manipulation and violence. Each day is a challenge beyond anything I've ever had to endure before, and I've seen some [censored]. I was a taxi driver for 15 years, been homeless three times, dealt with all kinds of violence and trouble in my childhood, had an alcoholic father who beat my mother and the kids.
None of it compares to this. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing, to be there for my beautiful daughters. My children have been kept from me for 2 and a half years - I was forced to see them through a contact centre for more than year because all I did was object to them being kept from me. My ex has emotionally blackmailed, begged and screamed for me to not involve the police. So I didn't and now that's being turned against me, for doing what I thought was the right thing or because I was afraid I would see my children even less, and even to protect my ex from prosecution. How stupid I was. I should have realised how manipulative she was and done everything necessary to protect my relationship with my children. Yet I still loved her and kept it all to myself, despite threats of violence against me.
I'm crying just writing this. I'm a grown man and I'm crying like a baby.

I haven't yet reached the final battle with the barristers, but so far, Cafcass has only addressed my ex's concerns, and even included baseless suspicions her friends had about me for some reason, whereas absolutely everything I said was left out. So far, she is a [censored] saint, and I'm a criminal even though there is nothing against me. I also wasted my time transcribing recordings and all the rest, but everyone ignores all my evidence, and takes my ex-wife's word as a gospel. I'm waiting until some supervised contact takes place, I pay more than I can afford to see my children, and all this having done nothing wrong. Welcome to this world: the system hates men.
Contact me if you need to talk to anyone.

I was in the same position as you exactly until i’ve Had enough with it. Now I don’t see my little one and I feel really upset. But at least i’ve done everything I could. Cafcass and family court are with women with any rubbish she we’ll say. Cafcass and family court don’t see men needs at all. I know how difficult this can be on a man fighting for his children. Good luck. But mind yourself while you going through. Because at the same you need to look after yourself as well. That’s very important to consider. All the best

You’re not alone. I was accused of various fake allegations it was laughable. Everyone knew it wasn’t true. I also had almost 2 years of [censored]. I finally got shared care of my son and my ex dropped the allegations after seeing who my Counsel was. I felt truly depressed and still do in a way. You feel like the abused.

There is no easy way, but you’re already strong and haven’t given up! Keep in there. You will feel absolutely drained. You will get access to your children - keep that in your mind. : )