[Solved] Depression and bordom

hi tonythemushroom,
I'm a stay at home Dad and look after our 3 yr old girlie, who has some health needs, and 15 month little boy. My missus works part time and I see myself as the one who haapens to be at home looking after the children. My situation's different because I'm not out of work.

I've been at home with the kids for years now. I'm ok at looking after them. I get things done my way - of course we have discussions about who's doing things 'right or wrong'. There are definitely times when I get stressed out by 'doing nothing' or 'being locked in with toddler', I can't find the words but its even a little like things just go round-in-circles and I'm not achieving anything.
I know that at the beginning, when I took redundancy and left IT/computers/software, it was all logical and sensible for me to take 'time off' to do DIY and help with childcare (and stretch the redundancy pay out). Fine for a few weeks (bit like a holiday) but I found myself wanting to keep busy doing things, as if it wasn't enough to take care of little one. That even wound me up quite a lot, almost like our girl was getting in the way of me being productive. Cry, nappy, bottle, feed, help-me, shop, stay in while napping....
It took me more than 10 months until I really really got it into my head that it was ok to slow down and make the most of being the main parent (as you called it - i like that!!). I go out with the pushchair for sanity to get milk, or feed the ducks, or get cash out of the bank [we pool our money so it isn't that one person earns - we're in this together]. My walks last longer in the summer, about 2 hours, but in the winter they are fewer and shorter. I think that the winter is a tougher time to have a sudden change of situation and have to be stuck indoors with the additional demands/responsibilities of a child.
It is definitely a bit isolated being a Dad at home. I have found it really REALLY ReallY difficult to bump into another Dad at home with a kid - just to share a coffee/beer/walk/visit to the swings and slides. It would give me the motivation to get out of the house in the dark months and chat to another ADULT.
It helps me to get out and go to toddler group(s) in the area. Some ladies are a little bolder and try to have a conversation - that helps me to relax. I tried quite a few until i found 2 that i like the most (one was almost anally over structured adn I felt like a naught boy when they regularly told us to 'do the playing at the table NOW').
I also found it helpful to use the DadTalk forum. I used it a LOT a year ago - and have only just started getting back into it (I wonder whether the spring weather has mentally changed me and I have a bit more energy to engage with stuff liek the forum....).

All a lot of rambilng thoughts. I hope the things I've touched on exlain some of my thoughts and feelings as a Dad at home. It doesn't bother me that my wife earns the money. But it took me a long time to realise that so much of my own internal sense of importance/ or a big part of my self worth was attached to me having clear tasks, responsibilities and goals in the workplace, and people coming for assistance. Some thoughts remain a tiny bit: each day being the same as the day before, not achieving anything, not feeling particularly important (or not providing).
It has really helped me to read and understand how small children develop, what they are learning at such-and-such age (there are articles here on DadTalk). That way I get a strong sense of the energy I am putting into our little ones. It gives me something to work at (eg do matching games, improve her skills, etc). This makes me more confident at home.
oops. this has been a long post.

hang in there !!!
/orange

cheers , orange, iv never really looked at it being a stay at home dad as a job, yeah i no the feeling in the summer getting out and about all day and it is very tough over the winter months and darker days , my son drives me nuts then !!!, i can honestly say in the entire time since i got laid off, ive not meet a single over stay at home day, where i stay its a small village, where it is all the woman stay at home and the men go off and work every day, there's about 2 of the mums that speak to me when i see them but the others a bit cleaky if you not what i mean , its not my wife working that bothers me as much , well maybe a little , its just that i feel at times as if my manhood has been destroyed , and ive got the self esteem of a wet welk just no and i know it. ive applied for job after job after job, and only had 3 interviews in the past year, soul destroying. the mother and toddle group here is on as the same time as the nursery which my son goes to for 2 hours in the morn , so that rules that on out , i do enjoy looking after my son and i know im seeing him develop every day in a way that most dads dont, and i enjoy it , i.e helping to read and start writing basic letters , and words, plus basic counting , and the look on his face the way it lights up when he realises something , or suddenly grasps the concept of something . even the big hugs and smiles i get from him makes some days more worthwhile than others ,
maybe it is just me and i need to relax i don't no 🙁 ( .
anyway im rambling no as its adult conversation woohoo lol
thank you for your advice orange
from tony 🙂 )

To toneythemushroom.
Hi there my fellow father,I feel you pain my friend iv`e been a at home dad for going 3 years now i have a young 2 year old daughter who right now pushes every fibre of my being.I know how you feel as i went into severe depression and had to get medical help.Its in a man`s make up to be the bread winner or at least be bringin home an earner.When this is taken away from your make up its total soul destroying as the very core of what it means to be a man is challenged.
I know how hard it must be for you to be reliant on your wife bringin in the wages,yet if you couldnt work through other curcumstances do you feel that you`d feel the same.Try and fling yourself into being the best fathere for your child and huby all you can do is work with what is at you disposal at a certain time in life.Just try and keep sending out your cv and resume if and when it will happen then atleast you can be proud at the fact its not your fault you find yourself in this predicament and if you could change you do it in a second.............................