[Solved] Violent Step-Daughter

Hi

This is a pretty bad situation to say the least so I'll give my thoughts, but hopefully you'll get other opinions and advice as well.

Firstly, and I would say most importantly, you and your wife need to try to step back a little from what has become confrontational. You need to try to sit down and talk with your step daughter, and, very importantly, listen to what she has to say without interruption - give her chance to try to explain how she feels and if she knows why she's behaving like she is. Her hormones are probably all over the place at the moment (and I know it's an old stereotype, but could it possible be PMT?) and she may not even know why she's behaving the way she is.

Secondly, I know it's annoying the state her room is in, but ultimately, it's not a matter of life or death. You may have noticed a thread on here in the last few days about kids bedrooms, so you're not the only one by any means. Consider how you'd feel if she came into your bedroom and started clearing your stuff into the bin etc - that's probably how she feels about you invading her space, and it is the only space in the house that is exclusively hers. How about coming to an agreement that she brings down any dishes, mugs etc when asked, and you'll leave the rest alone. Personally, I wouldn't link basic pocket money to any behaviour at all, I think she should get some money whatever her behaviour, but you could add extra incentives to try to encourage her to clear her room - the one I have found quite effective is to allow sleepovers if my daughters room is tidied (not necessarily spotless), and there's logic there anyway because a friend would need space to be able to sleep.

One question I have is what is her relationship with her natural father? There may be resentments that are being bottled up, so again talking may help. Perhaps you agree with her to put aside a fixed time each week where all of you sit down and have a talk – maybe all go out for a meal so there’s a bit of an incentive for her. Also, it may be worth checking if the school has pastoral support – this will be someone who your step-daughter can speak to in confidence (and they’ll make it clear that anything that she tells them won’t come back to you without her permission).

I think this is probably enough from me for the moment, but keep posting on here and you’ll get lots of support.

Thanks for your advice actd. Yeah, I've read the bedrooms thread and I know it's a common problem with teenagers (I remember the state of my room when I was her age! 😯 ) It's just basic things, like putting her clothes in the wash basket and bringing them down. Several times we have found dirty underwear stuffed into the bottom of her wardrobe and figure she must be wearing the same pants day after day!

As for her relationship with her natural father, he died of cancer about a year before I met her mum (she would have been 6 yrs old). She never really talks about him and we're not too sure how much a teenager remembers before a certain age. We only have contact with her dad's family via christmas and birthday presents as they live in another part of the country.

Her school does have pastoral care and we have set up a meeting with the member of staff responsible for it. We have tried sitting her down to talk, but all we get is shrugs of the shoulders, 'don't know's' and excuses to leave, so hopefully the school will have more success!

Hi

I think that children generally can recall events from about the age of 3, though as they get older, they may remember less and less from this age, but I would certainly expect your step daughter to remember some things about her father, so I imagine this could have a profound effect on her (and possibly be quite scary) - I don't know whether counselling would help, it's not an area I have any knowledge of, but may be worth looking into. It could certainly be worth visiting her father's family if possible, for both your step-daughter's sake, and for the family also - they've lost a son, so they won't want to lose a grand-daughter as well, maybe just for short visits to see how they go.

As far as laundy goes, maybe extend my suggestion about dishes to asking her once a week to spend half an hour gathering all her washing and bringing it down (does she have her own laundry basket? If not, ask her if she wants one) - it's a matter of getting the basics, and not worrying about the rest.

The "don't know" shrug isn't uncommon at all - if a child is being questioned about something they don't want to talk about, that's the response you're going to get every time. It's a slow process - perhaps your wife could go out with your step-daughter for some girlie time - how about some pampering together, or one of the fish spas (or whatever they are called), just something that will break down the barriers so you can all work towards better communications. I wouldn't leave it to the school to have any success, you all need to keep trying, however many times you get knocked back - one day you may just get that breakthrough 🙂

If you haven't already seen this are, may be worth looking at the behaviour management section on the site: http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/behaviour-management/blog

Hi Shacklebolt,

Welcome to DadTalk, thanks for the honesty of your post.

You may not have considered this but some of the things you mention in your post sound, to me, like your step daughter may be being bullied at school. I may be wrong but this sounds very similar to something we have gone through with my daughter and we only started to realise something serious was up when she got very aggressive at home (which is out of character for her).

We missed the early signs because they where behaviours we expected of a teen, just amped up a bit. She became more introverted, spent less time going out of the house and spent loads of time in her bedroom.

The aggression at home and bullying a younger child sounds like transference (I hate using psych babble but this is how it was explained to me) .Basically she is angry about what she is going through and is taking the anger out on others to make her feel better. Rather than fight the bullies back (which is incredibly scary thing to do) she has found other easier targets - a smaller child and your wife (who she knows will not fight her back). This behaviour is enabling her to release her anger by taking out it on other targets.

She had also told him before the summer holidays that she wouldn't be coming back as we were moving her to another school!

My daughter did this, she invented a move to Ireland and even had her school blouse signed by the kids in her class on her last day at school. The first we heard of this was when a teacher mentioned in the street to my wife that he was sorry to hear that our daughter was leaving.

My daughter also went through the not doing homework and turning up late to lessons.

I maybe completely off course on this but I would suggest that you try to discuss this with her. It maybe incredibly difficult subject to bring up and she maybe worried that if she tells you, either you or your wife will get involved and make things worse.

DadTalk has a load of films and articles giving advice about bullying. Use the search function on the home page and search bullying. Though to get you started check out these articles that may be of help.
Bullying
Top tips on bullying

Mate please pop back and let us know how you're getting on.

Gooner

Thanks guys, I will definately try some of the things mentioned, and I will let you know how it progresses!