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Hi All, my first post so please be gentle!! Apologies for the length of this post, but all advice is very welcome.
A bit of background first maybe - I'm 29 and have 3 step kids, 9, 10 and 14. 9 and 10 year olds are about to see their father for the first time in 2 years due to a court order. 14 year old's father is unknown and he took my surname about 2 1/2 years ago. I've been in the kids lives full time for about 5 years.
Just recently I've been at war with my 14 year old lad. About a year ago he was caught watching porn on his ipod which was duly removed, given back a month later, and within 3 hours he was caught doing the same. He's also used his mums laptop to view porn, the PS3 and his mobile phone. The first time his mum and I sat him down and we discussed it, pointing out how unrealistic much of it is etc etc. We're open minded people and did our best to answer questions and give the birds and the bees talk. Since then we've moved more into punishments when he's been caught.
After the last incident, about a week ago, I went ballistic. He signed up to a dating website and sent some very explicit messages to females in their 20's. He was only caught when I checked his Facebook messages and emails. During his rollocking he stood there and took it, then as I was mid sentence his literally just walked out of the room and up the stairs. I'm a little ashamed to admit I saw red and went flying after him, stopping him on the stairs. With a 2 stair height advantage I saw how angry he was and how red he was going so I offerred him the first and last chance to act on his instincts - to do what he clearly wanted to do. Yes I know this was daft now...! Perhaps I should add I am very alpha male and I know that. Whilst mum is the one to talk to him and "put up" with him, I can see he is openly trying to challenge my authority and whilst I know this is normal for his age his behaviour recently (not just the porn) is starting to really push his luck.
He didn't take his chance, and was sent to his room to tidy it. He failed to tidy it however when I later went in and he started to get angry again he was very swiftly slapped down verbally. I know this is not the prescribed way etc however it really does feel like war has been declared.
I really don#t know where to go next with this. He can be an angel but he's so used to spouting off even when he doesn't mean to he does it, and my tolerance levels are rock bottom with him right now. He HAS always had more than the other two and is given more, taken to more places etc, and this is stopping, but I don't know what else I can do.
I think perhaps I should add that I would NEVER assault my son. He doesn't get smacked and never has, but I do know he fears my temper when he's wound me up. I don't want to "rule" by fear, but it seems to be the only thing that gets through to him, and even then only for a short while.
Help!
Hi KDRS,
Welcome to DadTalk mate , of course we'll go gentle with you.
First thing to know is you are not alone, I have a 15 yo hormone monster and feel your pain. 😉
You may find this film on the site, My teen watches porn, useful.
You may also find this film of help, Hormone Hijack.
You may also want to check out these articles behaviour management for dads, raising teenagers and Communicating with Teenagers.
Nothing your 14 yo is doing is personally aimed at you - this was the hardest thing for me to understand. It is normal for a teenager to challenge the perceived authority figure in the house. How we react is the most important thing. Keep calm, be reasoned and if need be - walk away.
I spent a lot of time shouting at my daughter when she kicked off but realised that this was no way to have a relationship. So now I am far calmer, and to be honest it sometimes takes a lot of effort. She still goes from 0-60 on the angry scale within seconds but with one of us not matching her anger levels she calms down quicker.
Another thing to consider is :
9 and 10 year olds are about to see their father for the first time in 2 years due to a court order.
This may be having a far more profound effect on your son than you may have realised. He may be feeling left out. Do you think this may be the case ? The only way he knows to react and get attention from you and his mum is to 'act up'. He is getting a massive amount of attention (doesn't matter that its bad attention as far as he is concerned) now. Consider spending some time with just him doing something he wants to do.
I hope some of this is of help.
Gooner
Correct! You are not alone indeed. I have a 16 year old and he is giving me a migraine. He always gets himself into trouble, I think he is on his rebellious stage. When ever I want to talk to him he always say "Im busy.." or shout at me and say "Shut Up!".. At first I just ignored it but then he keeps on doing it and its hard for me to discipline him. I ground him and he sneaks out and I caught him drinking and smoking pot with his friends. Sometimes I blame myself for what is happening to him but I gave him everything he could possible need, education (check), money (check), support and love ( double check). I am on the verge of giving up! My brother who works in a military school said that enrolling him there would greatly benefit him. Where his actions will be monitored and discipline will be reinforced.
What is important for the parents to keep in mind is that, we can be lax with discipline but we should also the limitations. Because if we are too relax then maybe we will be the reason for our child to completely go to the wrong path.
Not sure a military school is the answer but then again we don't have them over here in blighty.
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