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So as not to highjack Danny P's thread I have my own story to tell. Firstly I wish to convey my apologies to Danny P for wading in and venting my spleen on the cyber version of my reality. That said had it been you who attacked my daughter despite your obvious dark past, I would still find it hard to forgive as I am sure in your heart you could understand as a father.
It is all still raw to me and I am consumed with anger and [censored] bent on revenge. I hope not to waffle so here goes.
2 years ago my ex wife met her new husband on the internet and besotted he moved down from Chesterfield to be with her in our home town of Bedford. A couple of months in and we are all at a friends of mine and hers anniversary party. I'd had a few beers and being a merry old sole and not one for violence I thought it would be a kind thing to offer my hand in welcome. I knew we were never to be best friends but make an effort because after all this guy is living with my two girls and we are going to meet at birthdays, family do's and whatever else befalls us. Paul was at the bar looking all billy no mates so I walked up to him, hand extended and said "Hi Paul, I think it's about time we were introduced" a big step for any man in my opinion. To which he replied " I don't wanna know you...F**k off" . What a complete (You decide).
That one incident completely changed what should have been a relatively easy transition for the kids into one that has been forever strained. Because this guy is 6'8" tall he is intimidating and obviously uses this as his control weapon (w****r). From what I gather he and my youngest daughter were arguing and he flipped, lashed out and put his hands 'round her throat. My ex jumped in and he did the same to her. The consequence of that was that she got him arrested and he got slapped on the wrist with a caution.
They were all really scared of him so I let them move into my flat and I moved out to sleep on a friends sofa. I must admit it felt great to have my girls back and in truth all of us eating together, laughing together and finally she seeing him in his true colours at last felt great.
After a few weeks of loveliness, she decides that she still loves him and wants him back ([censored] is wrong with women !!!! ) My youngest said that there's no way she's going back so it's either him, or her and yes...... she chose him. My daughter refused to have anything to do with her mum because of her decision and despite all that happened I have encouraged her to see her and after a few weeks they are kind of back on track which is good. This man has wrecked from the start what could and should have been a pretty reasonable arrangement and i want not just his [censored] on a plate but his head as well. I swear it consumes me with wanton revenge for what he has done and how she can allow herself to be touched by the man that attacked our daughter gives me the creeps. As far as I am concerned there is no place for him on this earth for what he has done.
Because of my job I have to stay away sometimes and I have a 3 week contract coming up in Lowestoft and after discussions with my daughter she says she will stay with her mum Sunday night until Friday eve when she'll be at mine for the weekends. I can't stand the thought of her being in the same house as him . Where do I stand on ensuring her safety and how can I stop him from eating away at me before i either have a nervous breakdown, have a heart attack or end up in prison.
You see, even writing this sends me into a flat spin. I am sorry if it appears that I am ranting. I thought I knew what I wanted to convey but I'm lost in raw anger.
Danny P, try to understand me as I try to understand you
Hi Mr Chips,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I can totally understand why you are angry & also concerned for your daughters safety.
Can I check a couple of things. How many kids do you have ? Are any of them living with their mother and her husband? Has there been any repeat of this violence since ? It sounds as if you have a reasonable relationship with your ex still, is this correct?
Gooner.
Hi Gooner, I have two daughters.The other one who has just recently turned 18 (where the [censored] did that go) decided to live back with her mum as she wanted to have her own space. I guess my two bedroom flat isn't big enough. According to my ex all is calm now and there have been no more threats of violence. I do have a fairly good relationship with my ex although I have seen her in a different light now and what ever candle I held for her has burned away. I will always want civility as it is crucial for the children not to see their parents banging heads.
I spoke to her today as my youngest will have to stay there tonight because I have to go London to do a job and she assures me that all is ok so I will have to trust that this is the case.
Interestingly I looked at an abusive relationships website and he seems like the classic abuser. Putting her down and making her feel worthless, isolating her from her friends (her friends were our friends) moving away to a different area of town. My youngest dependent child no longer there, my oldest off to uni in a few months which will leave just him and her.....perfect for him. Or am I just cynical ? !!!
Hi Mr Chips,
Firstly I accept your apology, thank you.
Obviously your situation made you very angry and upset and you needed to vent it. Thats ok i guess, it just took me a little while to find out what had caused you to post in that way.
The way you reacted in your situation is how my stepsons biological father might have reacted in my situation. I guess the thing that kept everyones reaction a lot calmer was that we all knew how pushy our boy could be. Again, I want to make it very clear to you that my reaction as the supposed adult was so very very wrong, and I make no excuses. However, from the account his mum gave about what was actually said prior to the incident happening helped our family to understand that it wasnt all one way traffic on my behalf.
There isnt much I can say to you about your situation that doesnt make me sound like a hypocrite in your eyes im sure, so all I can say is that I hope your daughters are both as ok and safe as they can be, and that i hope you dont do anything silly to this other man, a silly mistake that may leave you absent and unable to protect your girls. Dont go looking for revenge.
I also want you to know that unlike this other man, I love my stepson dearly and I've always wanted him to have the very best. Now he is a tall, well built and handsome young man of whom i'm very deeply proud of. He is more of a man now than I ever will be. I'm deeply ashamed when I think of my weakness (everyday) but I've never not loved my boy . It sounds like this other man is the opposite of me in that respect.
Thanks again for your words earlier, and I hope you can get things sorted out. DAD info is always here.
Regards,
Danny.
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