[Solved] Son wants all the attention

hi,

sounds like a very tough time. I have a 6 year old daughter. May be married soon, so expecting these kinds of challenges. I can only assume that your son thinks your partner is a replacement for his dad, and maybe he feels scared and threatened by this.

how often does your son see his dad?

Thanks for your reply Bill337

Me and his dad have been split up for a long time his dad likes to play mind games sends messages through him tells him things like I won't speak him ( not true) things he's not happy with me about and recently he still loves me and doesn't understand why we broke up all bs but my son believes him

I have been with my partner for about 3 years he's been like a dad to my son we decided to take it slow for the sake of my son he's kept his place I've kept living at mine we have our own money my partner is kind with his he treats me and my son he's a nice bloke but he's getting fed up with my son attitude towards him and has stopped coming over I really think he's going to break up with me over it

My son would love to see his real father more but there are loads of issues with him plus he very rarely shows up for court order contact so it's impossible, he would love me and his father get on I've tried with his father gave him a email address to contact me if he's got issues but he would rather play his games

The relationship is really one only you can know as to whether it's worth fighting for, but if you are asking that question on here, then I think you probably already know the answer. If your ex has told your son that he still wants you back, then in your son's mind, that might still be the perfect solution, and that might be what his thinking is in his behaviour, however much you tell him it's not going to happen. I'm not sure what you can do to persuade your son otherwise, I'm afraid.

check this out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwNb_QFbn-Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hCiqhJ-adc

Thank you for the videos Bill337 I found them both very useful

Hello again - I remember you from your other post. While it's good your son is having more consistent contact with his dad, the same can't be said for the messaging he seems to be interpreting. You say he (your son) appears to want you to end an established relationship with your partner, who has been a solid fixture for half his lifetime. He clearly feels he has divided loyalties, but has transferred them wholesale to your ex - his dad.
I haven't been in this sort of situation myself, but I have witnessed it within my social network. It is always tricky introducing a new partner to your child, and I have seen friends stop a budding relationship because their kids were responding badly to this. The fact remains though, that you and your partner are not in a new relationship, and that both your partner and son had a good relationship of years standing until the last few weeks of his seeing more of his dad.
In my opinion (and I stress that phrase) I think it is risky in to hand a child that kind of power to break up relationships (particularly as he may possibly be being manipulated), as you could be setting a very clear precedent to your son on what he needs to do to get his way from hereon in.
To you son, keep repeating the message that he is loved by the 3 main adults in his life, but mum and dad are not together anymore and that won't change, that it's not an unusual situation, and that you've been with your new partner for as long as he can remember. I believe you said in your other post that you met your partner some time after you and your ex's relationship ended, so keep that info in the forefront. It sounds like it will require some care and a lot of patience, as it will with your partner. Try and work this through in partnership with him, if you want to keep this relationship - it's a situation you're facing together, so the onus shouldn't be completely on you alone.
My considerable experiences of working with young children is they don't find it easy to maintain anger or dislike for a person they really liked before without considerable provocation. Sometimes just being around and getting on with your own thing, but making it clear that your door is open and you won't hold their behaviour against them, will allow a child to row back from a situation or stance they might otherwise not have the skills or courage to do. This could be the stance your partner takes. I know it doesn't sound easy, but he is an adult in this situation. It would be a shame if he and you felt if was just better he didn't come over to your home.
I'm not sure what advice I could offer in terms of your ex-partner. Personal experience has taught me it's often pointless to bring up something heard from a child about their other parent with that parent, as it just gets denied outright, called completely fabricated, and a descends into a volley of 'counter-accusations'. I find it marginally easier to talk with my son about what he might have revealed in a way that I hope does not make him feel he has to choose between us, while understanding we have differing viewpoints because we are individuals.

Hi Toks nice to hear from you again.. thank you for replying to me

It's so complicated it's unreal, me and my partner have been together for about 3 years my son has known him for about 2 half years now they bonded very well at first we did fun activities together lots of days out to various places it was good fun but things have changed my partner does night shift work so we don't see him for days but when we do see him he wants to spend all the hours he can with us problem is my son doesn't want this he only wants to see him for a day that's it he's like "I don't want to see him today" "can't we got out on a day trip just me and you because I don't want him to come just us""I just want you mummy" if my partner does come on a day when he's not wanted he says to my partner's face "I didn't want you to come" he screams at him and sometimes lashes out, my son has got issues with his anger and the school think he might of ADHD because of his hyper activity and he struggles with sticking to one task at a time.

He really upsets my partner with his behaviour my partner like "I won't come anymore then if I'm not wanted" it's hard for my partner because he hasn't got children of his own, my son behaviour is getting increasingly worse has he gets older I'm getting help for it but my partner is really struggling with him he loves my son a lot and does a lot for him but I feel he's at the end of his tether I can't blame my partner if he did end it I really think he will he's a really great guy he deserves more than he gets from me

I don't think my son wants me to break up with my partner it's just he doesn't understand how much he hurts my partner I think he would be devastated if we did break up and ask for him he does see him has a dad but I think he gets jealous at that same time.

Has for real dad he has got a personality disorder which professionals know about he's also got drug and alcohol addictions and he hates women because his mother let her boyfriends abuse him when he was a child, she didn't protect him like a mother should of, I think his child hood is the cause of his personality disorder I think he uses drugs and alcohol to block the pain out he really needs help but won't get help for himself I still care about him but I've given up trying to pressure him into getting help because he just doesn't see that he needs to get help he seems to think he's fine and won't listen to reason, he likes causing trouble for me I think it's because he was rejected by me and wasn't happy when I finished him he really didn't want us to break up so he makes untrue allergations against me to social services and anyone who wants to listen to him, during contact my son overheard him talking to a friend my son thinks it was about me about are break up things that a 6 year old shouldn't hear and he said his dad told this friend that he still loves me and doesn't understand why we split which his strange because for years he used to come back saying his father called me a "slag"and he said "he wishes I was dead" I don't think my son wants me and me his dad back together but he wants me and his dad to be friends he doesn't understand why we aren't I don't bad mouth my ex to him but he's smart enough to know that we don't talk at all to each other he wants more contact with father but professional won't allow it they see his dad has dangerous my son loves him very much and enjoys seeing him when he can and when my ex shows up

I'm really struggling I can't sleep with the worry none of my friends really understand I just feel so isolated my partner's still not really talking to me I'm trying to stay strong for my son but it's really hard I'm so depressed.

one thought, and there's no guarantee it will work, but is it worth your partner and your son going off together for a weekend on some fun activity without you being there? You may have to create some pretext for not being able to go.

Hi actd

My partner has suggested him spending the day with my son in the past but then changed his mind he's not sure if he could handle him all day, I might suggest he has him for a few hours at a indoor play centre while I can stay nearby and meet them if there are any problems, I could tell my son have got to go shopping or something see how we go.. thanks

Yes, that's a good idea - as long as your partner knows you can step in if necessary, but your son doesn't, hopefully that will work.