[Solved] Separation Anxiety

Hi there is such a thing but it seems strange its only been mentioned since you have moved in together. How long had you been having the little boy over night for before she stopped it . If he is showing these signs he will show them all the time, even if the mum leaves the room. I think the mum has discovered a way of trying to stop you having him over night. you must make it very clear that he is fine with you, take photos to prove he is happy and good luck ...

...Might this reaction have arisen because the mother has cut his contact with his Dad...surely if he's suffering from separation anxiety then the best thing for that is to minimize seperation not separate them more!

Thank you both for your replies it is appreciated greatly 🙂 its so nice to get replies from people who are not directly involved. I love this forum.

we have lots of photos and home videos of us as a family together. My husband had him regularly overnight at his Mothers and that was ok with the childs mother, but when he advised her we had moved in together and that the child would be staying in his own room at our house, thats when the separation anxiety claim started and that she wasn't happy him staying over.

when we challenged it she said her health visitor advised her that the change in his routine probably caused it and to stop overnight stays until he is old enough to understand that "Mummy isn't leaving him and staying with Daddy is fun".

I was surprised that a health visitor would say this, because being a child care worker in the past, the curriculum encourages children it is ok to separated from a parent and reassurance given that they will be coming back - regardless of age, the child understands and with perserverance the child adapts to the new routine healthily.

aside from that, we had never had these issues with the child, he is a happy little chap and has never showed anxiety in any form when with us.

K x

I think when you go to Mediation you need to push this point, that overnight stays were not an issue until you were involved. She needs to be asked why, when overnight contact had been ongoing without any mention of "Separation Anxiety", does it suddenly appear once a new partner is involved. Perhaps he needs to reassure the mother that nobody wants to take her place as I think this is at the crux of it. She needs lots of reassurance that she is the mother and that position is respected.

There are Dads that post on here when ex partners move on with a new partner about how desperate and unhappy they feel at the thought of their child calling another man Daddy, or just the fact that there is someone else doing all the daddy things with their child....its a difficult situation and one felt by both sides when a new partner gets involved.

If Mediation fails then I would imagine that because overnight contact had been allowed and was then denied, that it will be reinstated. I suggest that if you go to court you prepare a timetable for overnight stays, starting with just one night a month for the first 3 months and increasing this to one night every fortnight for the next 3 months and so on. This will show that you have put thought into it and are taking the mothers concerns onboard and have the childs best interests at the heart.

I wonder whether it would be possible to speak to the health visitor directly - you may not be getting the full story (ie, his ex may not be telling the whole story), plus you may be able to work out a strategy on how best to proceed while maintaining overnight stays

Nannyjane, that is brilliant advice. I love the part about the timetable for overnight stays, we hadn't really thought about that but it makes perfect sense, and at the centre of it, is what is best for his Son.

My husband thinks that his son is much happier staying with us than at his Mothers house, although lovely it was a tight squeeze and we have plenty of room for all his things here and he has his own room. My husband said he was always in such a lovely mood the next day after staying over with us.

I don't think me taking his mothers place is an issue as I have contacted her in emails and sending pictures of the childs progress over the last 5 months, it was us getting married in November that stopped the contact, I suppose in her mind it was final for her, no chance of them getting back together.

You have really helped me prepare for the first mediation appointment, as I am the issue here my Husband is attending alone, and I am trying to prep him as much as I can (you know what men can be like, last min.com) 🙂

thank you so much for taking the time to reply xxx

Actd we will be requesting at mediation all access to doctors records and health visits for the purpose that we have never had visability, and for fear of "rocking the boat" never persued it further, but now we are at this stage, we will be requesting such a diagnosis, as the Mother has also given reasons that the child is too ill to visit on most occassions in the past and we are now aware that this is not a valid reason not to see the child.

I will keep you both posted as I am sure there are others out there needing help/support and what goes around comes around is my motto.

thanks to you both again

kate xxxx

Your very welcome Kate 🙂

I'm sure you have given her no reason to think her position as the childs mother is in any way threatened, but regardless of that she probably still feels threatened since you got married as theres such permanency now... and yes you're right, theres the realization of there being no going back.

It might be a good idea for your husband to take some photos of his room with all his things to the mediation appointment, to show the mother how well prepared you are and how well looked after and comfortable he will be.

Some Dads have taken photos of the room they have got ready for their children to show at court...its gives an impression of how important their child is and the care taken to ensure their well being.

I really hope that Mediation works for your husband, and with the guidance of the Mediator the mother will be able to move forward and agree to what is after all inevitable. Court is always a last resort and puts a lot of strain on everyone involved.