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Hi,
I finally got the strength to leave my toxic un-healthy marriage 4 months ago. Just as she lied about everything else the ex said I could see the kids "As much as I liked". I am now having to take her through court to get more than 6 HOURS a week.
My five year old was a true daddies girl. Sat with me on the lawn mower, passing me the hammer and laughing all the way.
For the first 3 hours of my 6 she will hardly come near me. She never shows her affection, love or desire to be with me. She looks straight through me at times.
I have witnessed her throw the dad of the dolls house family away saying "We haven't got a dad anymore", she has been told by the evil ex that daddy doesn't love them anymore. The phone has been taken out of her hand twice while I have had my one and ONLY permitted conversation with her for her mother to abuse me infront of her.
Can anybody tell me how on earth I can get my girls and their love back???? It is by far the hardest thing I have had to go through (I have lost my business to the recession during the same four months and it pales into insignificance to this)
HI Mate
Dude that all sounds really awful, i can't begin to inagine what your going through.
In regards to getting your kids back it sounds like court is unfortunalty your best option. If you haven't done so yet call the childrens Legal Centre to check that you are making best use of your options, you can find their number in the legal eagle section on the dadtalk homepage. They will give you free advice.
Re getting your kids love back, that could take time my friend. I know that things are really bad right now but time will help get things sorted. You need to talk to the courst about your wifes attitude, start to make a diary of events, what she say and if possible get that witnessed with out her knowing so you have proof and evidence of her comments and actions.
Dude, i'm sure that you will be able to get the effection of your kids back, but it will take time, don't lose heart or focus. Keep showing your kids that you love them and that you are trying to do all you can to reach out to them. Post stuff on the internet, put things in the local paper on their birthdays etc, it documents how you are trying to express your love for them.
I'm sure some other dads on here have much better advice than me. Hope it all works out dude.
PA is a difficult one to beat, especially as the courts won't recognize it - they prefer the term 'implacable hostility'. This is because it isn't in the DSM. It only opens up about every ten years so there isn't much opportunity. However it has just opened up so please support trying to get PAS in the DSM.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm
Support the inclusion of PAS in DSM-V
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/letterwrite.htm
A response to ‘Making Contact Work
http://www.ukmm.org.uk//publics/rtmcw.htm
I suggest you read DIVORCE POISON by Dr Richard Warshak ISBN 978-0-06-093457-6.
Take a look at Families Need Fathers website http://www.fnf.org.uk , they'll help with everything you need to know, becoming Litigant in Person, CAFCASS, McKenzie friends etc.
You aren't alone unfortunately in what you're experiencing and we have to 'name' and 'shame' the parents that emotionally abuse their own children.
It's a marathon not a sprint.
Good Luck!
Zac
Thanks Guys,
It means a lot that someone has even taken the time to read the stuff let alone replied and offered support.
Thats what seems so criminal to me..... Nobody listens to the father!!!! Its like a re-run of when my girls were born and she proclaimed to have "Post Natal Depression". How great I it was when, in my own home and having been up for three nights in a row because she couldn't cope with it all, the battle axe (mid-wife) looked at me as if I had been the un-fortunate inclusion to the procreation of the human race and had the inability to hear a word I said!!!!!!
"CAFCASS will sort things out don't worry" GREAT I thought, at last someone will listen......Ha! Another theatrical performance from the ex and a good measure of corporate game playing by her solicitor and hey presto, Mr CAFCASS is played like a fiddle.
"Mr * you might aswell accept the offer of one night a week in 6 weeks time as it will take us 12 weeks to write a report"
"So Mr CAFCASS you are going to sit there and let a beautiful loving relationship between me and my daughters be ripped apart on purpose? I thought you were there to protect the children from suc child abuse?"
"Well you have 6 hours contact to be able to turn that round Mr *"
WHAT A JOKE!!!!! Try reading the CAFCASS website after experiencing that and see how easy it is to read about all the stirling work they do to protect children and give them the balanced up bringing of both parents. They are frauds, taking money and playing god, rather badly as they opt to take the easy route.
I don't know what to do next.
Hi,
Took 10 months to get a CAFCASS report for my son....
Think of it like this, you've been put in a boxing ring with a professional boxer. You don't even have your gloves on yet alone know what's happening, also your arms are tied behind your back. This is all done in the name of justice, protecting mother because as a man you are a danger. 30 years of 'all men are rapists' have seen to that.
You have choices, not good ones but still choices. When the pro boxer lands the punches you can hit the canvass and stay there to keep out of the way. OR you can take the punches. And at the same time wriggle your arms free, start putting your gloves on, then learn from your opponent and previous combatants like me how to box. If you are still standing after 8 rounds of a 16 round match then you stand a chance.
The bell goes, end of round 8, 30 secs to rest. You now have your arms free, gloves on and have mentally learnt how to box.
Think you can do it? Others have, if you want your child to grow up knowing you never walked away then you have to.
You cannot change your external environment, the cards are stacked against you. You can however change your internal world to adjust and bend to the situation until round 8 gets here.
Check out Victor Frankl Man's Search for Meaning
Viktor Frankl's 1956 book Man's Search for Meaning chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate and describes his psychotherapeutic method of finding a reason to live. According to Frankl, the book intends to answer the question "How was everyday life in a concentration camp reflected in the mind of the average prisoner?" Part One constitutes Frankl's analysis of his experiences in the concentration camps, while Part Two introduces his ideas of meaning and his theory of logotherapy.
According to Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning p. 176 ff), we can discover meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value -- nature, a work of art, another person, i.e., love; (3) by suffering. On the meaning of suffering, Frankl gives the following example:
Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now how could I help him? What should I tell him? I refrained from telling him anything, but instead confronted him with a question, "What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?:" "Oh," he said, "for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!" Whereupon I replied, "You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it is you who have spared her this suffering; but now, you have to pay for it by surviving and mourning her." He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left the office. (Man's Search for Meaning, First Edition, pp. 178-9)
Round 8 comes around after about 18 months. It will get better.....eventually....it's just depends upon how YOU CHOOSE to deal with it that determines in what way it gets better...
Good Luck!
Zac
Sir you sound like a decent guy in my my experinence with deal with the affection of daughters you have the advantage that girls gravitate toward their daddies (by nature). This also depends upon the early years bonding that takes place from 0 to 7 the most you can do it to maintain that precence in this young ladies life. Support her with the value that she will definately need in this emotionally ignorant world social system that we currently live in. There is that song" children are our future"? we are the by product of our parents if we don`t have the basic relationship skills then we can`t empower our children. SOME FUTURE.
A very difficult subject. I have seen my eldest being poisoned by her mother. Her mother will do anything to make me look bad and when I'm not around I am pretty sure she does everything to plant seeds in my kids' heads. This is the most despicable thing a parent can do. They funnel their anger into the minds of their children.
I have no answer for it - at times I could cry because I can see what is happening but I am powerless to stop it. The only advice that I can give (from experience) is not (and I mean ever) to answer your ex back. DO not raise your voice or answer back in front of the children even if you know you are correct. I have been verbally abused and I have watched the kids being lied too......however I tried to fight my corner but all I ended up doing was damage my kids.......not deliberately but kids do not know who is lying and all they see are arguments. So do your best to show your kids love and even if things are going against you, don't ever give up hope.
The legal system is hopeless for helping you in this situation.
I have been through the system, and come out with custody of my children. As I have mentioned before, my barrister has said that I am something of a freak as far as the legal system is concerned, as gaining custody of children from the mother is quite unusual, and even more so when those children are girls - but it can be done. Having said that, the evidence against my ex was so compelling that she didn't have a chance with the legal system, and her actions through the court procedures didn't do her any favours at all.
I have been through the system, and come out with custody of my children. As I have mentioned before, my barrister has said that I am something of a freak as far as the legal system is concerned, as gaining custody of children from the mother is quite unusual, and even more so when those children are girls - but it can be done. Having said that, the evidence against my ex was so compelling that she didn't have a chance with the legal system, and her actions through the court procedures didn't do her any favours at all.
I would be grateful to hear the 'Compelling evidence' as I am pretty sure I too have a strong argument.
Included
- Police statement on conditions children were living in (with supporting photos I had taken)
- Statements made by children to the police and to Cafcass
- Cafcass report (my solicitor said he had never seen a report which was so conclusive)
- Liver function tests
- Letter from social services (though they had minimal involvement, as by the time they knew there was a problem, it had been resolved).
The residency was sorted out very quickly (she gave up contesting by the second hearing), it was the contact arrangements for my youngest that took a lot of time and cost.