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Hi All,
So let me get into this - myself and the mother of child have been seperated now since our little girl was roughly 6 months old. Depsite her attempts to make it as difficult as possible to see her, i still get to have her for 3-4 days every other week. We still have a very strained relationship and she often threatens and has stopped me seeing her on multiple occasions for no real reason apart from trying to hurt me.
It is now coming up to her 1st birthday at the end of October, my sister had a baby a week prior to myself so suggested a joint celebration a week before (so her mum could have her on her actual birthday) and invite close family only. I thought this was a pretty rational and fair request and would be a lovely occasion for my daughter and gives people in my family a chance to meet who have not yet done so.
I invited her mum also, but this request/idea seems to have sparked world war three again, and apparently my behaviour (because of suggesting this) isnt normal. I think she expects us, regardless of being seperated, to be doing something together for her, ignoring the fact she has made it quite clear she hates and cant stand to be near me. Her family are actually jehovahs witness's and dont celebrate birthdays and they wont be doing anything and the mother lives in a one bed room where no is allowed to visit - so effectively she wont be having any type of celebration.
I am really angry and feel like because of the circumstances she chose to put herself in, she is now denying my daughter a chance to have a celebration with her family (or one part of it). She has told me that my sister is no relation of hers and no has no right to be having a birthday party for my daughter, obviously failing to realise she IS a relation of mine and to my daughter. It really feels like she is denying my daughter a really important part of her childhood (a 1st birthday) again just because it doesnt suit her.
Obviously this is a week before, as i immediately thought the mother would want to have her daughter on her actual birthday to do something special also. I guess what i'm asking, is am i being insensitive? I am not excluding her from the party, but i understand how she may feel like she is being excluded, i tried to explain this is how it is likely to be for important occasions, me doing something a week prior and you having her for the actual event and you celebrating. Is she denying her daughter from having a celebration just because she doesnt feel included? Is my behaviour not normal and im completely missing her point. Any feedback would be be useful. Cheers
Hi there
You’re not being unreasonable, or insensitive... of course you want to celebrate your daughter first birthday, it’s a milestone.
It might be helpful to try mediation to sort out what coparenting means and how you can work together for your child’s benefit, and of course to sort out the birthday situation.
www.nfm.org.uk
I’ll link to the sticky about the CAFCASS Parenting Plan and also our own app to help sort this out. You can suggest that you work on it together to work out how to move forward.
If mediation fails, your next step would be to apply for a Child Arrangements Order, to ask the family court to agree a schedule of contact and also how to manage special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. It’s usual for special occasions to be alternated between parents and for there to be provision for extra time at Christmas, birthdays and for holidays in the summer.
If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask.
Although Mojo has already said, having read your post and related to your situation, I had to respond to emphasise the importance of getting a child arrangements order made. It will save you a lot of stress in the long run when things like birthdays and Christmas come up.
I've learnt to live life making plans for my daughter, like birthday parties, booking swimming lessons, etc, at the last minute, as even though I have a court order in place, and shouldn't have to be doing this (which is why I'm heading back to court to get the order tightened up), I'm still living life in limbo.
In meantime, and I know it's not ideal, if you can find some acceptance in that this is how your ex is going to be until there is something legally binding in place, you can almost 'plan' to make plans at the last minute, if that makes sense, and all the more power to you.
You have a supportive family by the sounds of it, who I'm assuming are aware of your ex's difficult behaviour. So if I was you, if you know you are seeing your daughter every fortnight at the moment, tell your family that you will be having a get together for your daughter's birthday, but due to your ex being difficult you don't know exactly what date it will be, but it will be some time around (insert date here), and you will give everyone as much notice as possible. Get the cake ready, get the decorations, get the presents, and be ready to go at any given moment. The worst thing that could happen is that not all your family will be able to attend, but fingers crossed they will. Don't tell your ex. And if she finds out afterwards and starts bothering you, don't respond. You don't owe her anything, and you're definitely not being out of order here. Most separated parents do what you're suggesting, including myself, and if anything is 'not normal', it would be having a party together when you can't stand one another.
Be sure to make a note of this in a diary for when you go to mediation/court, as well as all other unreasonable communication you have from her.
In my opinion, regardless of the situation, you should be together on the child's birthday and make him happy. This is the responsibility of the parents.
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