Mother missed contact with my son, he cried his eyes out. How do i navigate this?

hello stamina9008,

thanks for sharing your situation. It must be very stressful for you and of course you are perfectly entitled to feel angry. Being angry is ok - it is a valid emotion, it is how we deal with this emotion that is important. I would suggest that you off load your feelings to someone you can trust, wether it be a friend, family member or professional counsellor. It is important and vital that you look after yourself so you can be the best support to your boy as possible. Perhaps also your sons school maybe able to offer him some support too? It is important to acknowledge his feelings - as you are already doing, and school should be part of this too.

It is clear that you care for your son. I don’t know why his Mum is acting the way she is, but I would advise that you try your hardest not to say anything negative about his Mum infront of him, but instead explain that sometimes grown ups make choices that are not the right ones and these choices have negative outcomes. 
Keep reassuring your son that you love him, spend some 1-1 time with him, where he leads what you do, and during this time he may well open up about how he feels about the situation with his mum. 
If she is not willing to seek access and meet her son when it is arranged perhaps you need to have some time out from anything to do with her and encourage your son to focus on the life that you and him have.
I hope this makes sense and I wish you both all the very best. Let us know how things go. 

Kind Regards Fegans Parent Support 

@clarinet 

Thank you Clarinet, your words have not gone unnoticed by myself and have (and continue to be) a great source of comfort, inspiration and support for me. This in turn helps me to be a better father for my son. I am indebted to your kind words, I really mean that.

I just dont understand why she's doing this. In response, ive promised myself that should any contacts ever be arranged in the future then i will not inform my son of the contact, just in case she lets him down. I have also completed an online form for Child Maintenance from herself. These things have helped ease my anger.

Take care.

Thanks for letting me know. One step at a time. Keep building the relationship with your son.

😊 

@stamina9008,

I feel for you both, that was a tough read. 

The advice given to me when my daughters have been in pain like this is to hold them and let them cry (as said above it's a valid and genuine release). You didn't cause this but by being there you are helping them. It is something they have to process in their own minds, in their own way and in their own words - but nothing will make them feel safer and more loved than to be there with them in that moment. Also, if they want to talk about it, it is ok to not have the answers; I think it can be reassuring for them that even parents find things tough or that we don't understand it all.

Hopefully this is reassurance that you're doing the right thing and you can't fix this with words or by shielding your son

It can be heartbreaking, I know, but hang in there

Be kind to yourself Bro

@tashby 

Thankyou so much for your comment, and i agree with you about not having the answers and how that can intuitively seem comforting, even if paradoxical to some extent.

I had this years ago when my ex missed contact on a regular basis. I went back to court to get contact reduced from twice a month to once a month, just so there was consistency, but that only lasted a few months before my ex decided she wouldn come and visit any further. I had guessed it would be coming so I did all I could to minimise the effect when it did happen. At the end of the day, it was my ex who suffered the most, my kids consider their stepmother to be their mother these days, and when their natural mother passed away, they felt guilty for a short while, but not for long as she was really a stranger to them.

@actd 

Thanks mate. Your comment means a lot.