[Solved] Im a bad Dad

Hi Simon 🙂

Thanks for sharing your problems with us...it must have been really hard to talk about it, but its a very positive step in the right direction so well done!

Having read through your post a couple of times I can see that you have had an awful lot to deal with over the last couple of years. The fact is your wifes strokes were lifechanging for both of you. With a new baby to look after, and having to stop working to care for them both must have been really tough... Moving house is recognized as one of the most stressful events we have to deal with, and on top of that you had the added stress of trying to get the problems with the adaptations sorted out, again with a second child to care for too....is it any wonder you have struggled recently, I would say you have shown a lot of strength throughout all that has happened, I certainly dont see it as a failing on your part.

It is a pity that your wife didnt talk to you about her concerns instead of the Health Visitor, but again I can understand why she perhaps didn't feel equipped to deal with it alone. At least now you are getting help to manage your stress and as you acknowledge, you feel you are making good progress...there are bound to be hiccups though, as has been the case in the last couple of days....Molly is probably teething and also she may well be picking up on your anxiety.

I think if you discuss how you are feeling with your counsellor she/he may be able to give you some coping strategies. If you get to the point where you can feel your anxiety levels increasing take some time out, get some fresh air and go for a walk. Most importantly stop beating yourself up, you will get through this but it will take time. I think it might be helpful if you had some "me" time away from all your responsibilities at home, just to do something that you enjoy that is just for you....maybe the gym, swimming or just a pint dowwn the local from time to time. Talk to your wife if you are feeling low, again its important for you both if you keep talking about how youre both feeling.

All children are different, unique... and your two girls are no exception! You coped better with Charlotte, she may be a more placid little person and just more easy going. Just try and relax with Molly and just give her lots of love and things will get better. You are not a failure, you are a strong, caring husband and father thats going through a rough patch...be kind to yourself Simon and dont give up hope! 🙂

I will add a quick thought/reassurance - children's services primary concern is the welfare of the children, and where at all possible, they will work with the parents to achieve that, providing support where it's necessary (bearing in mind they are up against budget cuts), so if you work with them, the outcome should be positive for all of you. When you are able to manage your stress better, you will hopefully find that everything else will become easier.

Oh myyy....everyone is so right...stop beating yourself up! You have had it tough!! I have sat in on many Child Protection meetings. As actd said, Childrens Services are for the safety of the child, they have put the children on the CP Register for their protection whilst they monitor whats happening with you, and I think you should use them as much as possible, especially in things like housing problems, childcare etc if you don't get anywhere with authorities. And I hope you have told them what it has been like the last couple of year and the fight you have and. Children Sevicesdo work with parents, and it can work very well too. I have seen children come off the CP register when parents are working well with Childrens Services. Nannyj is right too and it sounds as though you could do with some "me" time - get out of the house for it, or get someone to come in and help with the family, you may also need to attend a parenting class, you may want to go to one off your own back (you can ask Childrens Services) just play ball.

Perhaps you could look at a nursery one morning a week for instance, so you can have "me" time with you and your wife, or you could go and take up hobby etc, but something to give you a break - sorry hobby sounds a childish thing to say! Perhaps activity would be better! LOL!! But the nursery for instance, childrens services can help you with.

I am guessing that this time you may be having to do more with Molly now that your wife has health conditions and there is probably a similar stress upon you as there is on a new mum because you are having more involvement. Plus you are caring for your wife too no doubt.

I am sure that Childrens Services can help you, give you a list of places for fathers to go, or you could look on the net for your area, look in the library, the local paper, there is much more help out there these days for men 🙂

You are now putting yourself under stress because of the past (not intentionally!) and that is why you feel you don't do anything right for Molly. You are tensing up because of your concerns. Relax! Molly will relax too.

Last but not least, if you feel you are getting stressed tell to your wife and just walk away from the situation for 5-10 minutes. People will understand if you need 5 mins.

I am not suggesting these things lightly because I also guess finances might be an issue too (and wont help the stress levels) which is why Childrens Services might be able to help you out with places to go activity wise that wont cost you or will cost very little.

Oh ...and you are not a bad Dad and stop saying that! 🙂

Thank you people for your support.
Since social services have got involved I have been referred to Talking Therapies and am on their waiting list, I have had the initial telephone consultation where I answered loads of questions and they have pidgeon holed me as having depression and anxiety but seem to have completely missed the point as to why I was referred to them, ie stress management. Also this will be a group situation for cognitive behaviour therapy and I dont do groups, im too private a man for that and dont do well in group situations, the Child Protection conference and core group meetings are hard enough to deal with as it is.

In addition im seeing a guy from Family choices (my wife sees a lady as its done seperately) and now even he is talking about me attending a group despite the fact that he also knows I dont do well in groups.
The child protection conference itself was completely against me based on my wifes accusations and my side of things, although I have discussed it in detail with a social worker prior to the conference, wasnt taken into consideration or listened to at the conference.

As such I feel like everyone involved with us is judging me and my actions.
More recently our health visitor went on long term sick and the new health visitor is the lady that my wife initially made a report to, I could feel her disdain and onesided attitude towards me when she visited and that really doesnt help things.

Charlotte is attending nursery 2 days a week and doing well off it but im still at home with Molly and my wife 24/7. I used to go fishing for the day once in a while for some "me time" but that soon got reduced to morning sessions as my wife cant cope the whole day on her own.
I cant go fishing at the moment as im currently on crutches after an operation on my left ankle and will be on them for another 3 weeks yet.
That renders me unable to drive as my car is a manual and the financial strain of taxis everywhere is also taking its toll at the moment.

In addition to that we lost my nan on the 2nd January and my dad isnt coping to the point where I had to travel home to Northampton to go and sort him out aswell and now I have all his finances here to deal with aswell as he cant do it and I dont seem to be able to find support care for him at his end.

All this has taken a massive toll and more recently my wife and I did seperate, bearing in mind im in plaster I was forced to drive to my sisters in Worthing as I had nowhere to go, the local council will not rehouse me, single guy on his own = no priority and our social worker seems about as usefull as a wet weekend. Anyway we were apart Friday afternoon and all of the saturday before we spoke on the phone, my wife had realised a few things and asked me to come back home and that we would sort things out. This was before recent events with Molly the other night.

I feel like im a guest in my own home, uncertain of exactly how my wife feels as one minute she loves me but then the peronality disorder changes her mood and its a different story, im walking on eggshells constantly in fear that she will try and throw me out again.
This has had an affect on Charlotte, she has always been a daddies girl but is now really clingy to me, even when she gets upset she now runs to me instead of mum as she used to. Im trying to keep things as normal as I can for her sake and she is settling down again slowly.

I feel like im the one going mad, I feel judged by everyone and have lost confidence when dealing with the girls. Ultimately I feel like im on my own with this and that I have to jump through every hoop thrown at me just to please the professionals. I darent say no to anyone if I feel that the therapy being offered is the wrong one for me for fear it will be reported back to the child protection conference that im being uncooperative.

There is a big part of me that wants to run, I cant cope with this anymore but have no one to turn to for help.

The one thing I do need to add is that no matter how stressed I may get I would NEVER hurt my girls, but no one other than me seems to get that.

You may be surprised by how helpful CBT is. It is more like attending a night class.

You will not have to stand up and air any dirty laundry.

Be strong and kind to yourself....Ive just posed in self esteem....more for me than anyone else but take a look....some may find it tosh but the word of Kipling and Erhman to boost me when Im a little low.

Regards,

Dave

Gosh Simon your story has got even more complicated hasn't it.

The personality disorder sounds difficult and I guess was caused by the strokes your wife has.

Interesting that you say your wife couldn't cope when you were out of the house for a day. I assume from what you say that you don't have family around, does your wife? Couldn't someone from her family come and sit with her for the day so you can get out?

As for the group stuff try not to worry about that, remember that most people are there for similar reasons just that their story is slightly different, and you wont be judged for being there.

I am also sorry to hear that you believe Social Services are against you, that is the wrong attitude to have! But keep playing ball with them, they will change, you will have to remember that they are protecting the children. If you have no family to help ask the Social if they can help out...have you told them that your wife has personality changes? Its concerning that Charlotte runs to you and perhaps she has seen some of those personality changes against herself?

Unfortunately they wont just take your word for it that you wont hurt the girls again, they need you to learn to handle yourself, taking measures to avoid it happening again.

Thanks Enyamachaela.

I understand what you are saying about social services but as far as im concerned my kids were never and never will be at risk of harm and this whole situation sits very badly with me and I have a very deep resentment about it.
As for them working against me, I havent seen them work WITH me or truly listen and take into account my side of it, they just dont seem interested.
Time and time again ive heard professionals ranting on about how the support is for me too, ive yet to see it, its always been focussed towards my wife to the point where im ignored.
I know ive got to jump through whatever hoops they tell me to but that doesnt make it right.
My wifes personality disorder has been there since before the strokes so that has no bearing on that side of it.
My nearest family is 100 miles away whichever way I go, my dad at my family home in Northants, recently lost Nan / Dads mum so he isnt coping and im having to run up there every 5 minutes to sort him out which without sounding harsh is hassle I just dont need right now and my sister simply wont get involved with Dad as she llives in Worthing and its too far and "He would do her head in in 5 minutes flat"
My wife has a sister who is bi polar and their relationship is tenuos (SP) at best.
The only help I get is "Emergency Back up From a charity called Crossroads who will step in when there is an emergency but ive no cover for getting a break or some "me time".
With my wifes mental health problems it makes things very difficult, she has accused me of being manipulative and controlling which im not, All ive tried to do is help and encourage my wife but there are times when I have to speak up on her behalf as she only tells professionals that care for her what she wants them to hear and not completely whats going on with her, so she sees that as me manipulating her, Control wise she will say she wants to see if she can walk to XYZ etc, I will encourage it but because of her mobility needs I have to err on the side of caution and sayto her dont over do it or be carefull as thats more of a treck than you realise, she sees this as me saying she cant do it or trying to prevent her from doing it and as such im controlling her?
Im stuck between the preverbial rock and hard place especially as no one seems to listen to her main carer and husband, ie ME!
She has limited mobility due to the nueropathy brought on by her diabeteis and we are due to have a stairlift fitted which should improve her independance so that will hopefully help alot.
Just recently when we had seperated she had to go to the local shop to get some electric on the key, she realised then that I hadnt been trying to control her and that it was a treck for her and that SHE felt it was too far for her.

This whole situation is one big [censored] mess.

Have you told all this to SS too, because her accusations and your reasons are valid, but I would now let her get on with it if she keeps saying that you are being manipulative. I know you are protecting her, but like children, you have to let them go...they have to make their own mistakes ...sorry about that!

Unfortunately it is all hoops to jump through once SS are involved, you must remember that their aim is the welfare of the children. But it is not the end of the world please believe that...once you have done the hoops and made changes and SS see that things will turn round for you.

As for your sister, well to put it politely, I think you should be telling her she has to take her share of the load and what is happening with your situation!! You cant do all of it!

Well, the situation has got far worse for me.
When we seperated that couple of weeks a go, she told me that she loved me and that she wanted me back and that we could work things out, so I came home and all was fine until last Tuesday, she them became quiet and withdrawn, initially I though ok shes having a bad day with the depression, but this went on until the friday last week, So I asked her if we were ok and still on track and she said no she wanted us to seperate.
I asked her what I had done wrong and she replied, "Nothing, things havent changed since before we split the other week" so I said I thought that she loved me and wanted to work it out to which she told me "I said that to get you to come home, if I told you the real reason I wanted you back, I knew you wouldnt come home, I wanted you back here to be closer to the girls so I told you I loved you to make you come back"
With that she phoned Berkshire womens aid buut they couldnt do anything till monday.
On monday she phoned them again and was told not to do anything until 3:30pm when our social worker would visit us at home.
About 12pm Berkshire Womens Aid phoned and asked her to go to sign some paperwork (according to my wife) I offered to take her in the car and to look after the kids, she said no she would take a taxi and that the girls were going with her and off she went.
At 2:30pm our social worker phoned and asked me to meet them all at Berkshire Womens Aid at 3:30 rather than him come to our home.
I had tried without success to get hold of Richard from Family Choices in order to get some support for me while I was there.
I arrived at Berkshire womens aid and was shoved into a side room, not even allowed to sit with my children.
Our social worker came into see me and explained that she wanted the house too even though it was unsuitable for her because no company will fit a stairlift in our propery as the stairs are too narrow and the fact that we have two small children it was dangerous for little fingers.
I dug in, I have nowhere else to go and need to be in Reading to be close to my girls and for all the appointments with talking therapies, richard from family choices, hospital for my leg the list goes on, so he went off and explained this to my wife.
When he came back he sat down and said "one minute she wants you out, then she wants you back then she wants you out again, im missing something here" I explained again for the millionth time about her borderline personality disorder but I dont know if it sank in.
Anyway he went off and spoke with my wife again then came back inviting me to the room where she and my kids were.
My daughter flew across the room Daddy Daddy Daddy and wouldnt leave me, My wife just sat glaring at me and wouldnt speak a word to me.
It was arranged that she and the girls would go into a refuge but my wife wouldnt come to the house to collect her clothes which had already packed if I was at the house (she has nothing to fear from me).
They left the room and left me with my girs for some Daddy time, about 30 minutes later the lady from Berkshire Womens Aid came back and asked if I could get the double pram for them which was in the car parked across town and then for me to go home.
I obliged and kissed my girls goodbye and went to get the car. I dropped off the pram and went home.
At 7pm the social worker arrived with my wife and children for my wife to collect her stuff, again she never spoke a word to me the whole time she was here. Once again I kissed my girls and with that they were gone.
I dont remember much about monday night other than talking to my sister on the phone and feeling awfull, I was devastated.

Tuesday was bad, I couldnt face the prospect of life without my children and became suicidal, I wouldnt answer the phone to anyone and it was constantly ringing. I opened 4 boxes of various painkillers and set them up and began taking them, I was halfway through when the front door opened and a police woman came charging in followed by 7 others.
They called an ambulance and arrested me and forced me to go into hosptal, my arms still hurt from fighting with them, I just wanted to be left alone to finish what I had started and was angry that someone (later turned out that someone was my sister) had called the police.
Anyway they pumped me out and sent me home at 230am, I walked home and got my car keys and went for a drive on the motorway looking for something solid to drive into, I spotted a motorway sign on the other side that had a big solid concrete base so turned around at the next junction and put my foot all the way down and kept it there, I was doing 160+ and aiming straight for the signpost base, at that exact point a song came on the cd that whenever my daughter hears it, she runs to me and we cuddle and dance, I lifted off the gas and turned my wheels.
At 1230 that day I had to go see the Urgent Care team at the local mental health hospital, they spoke to me about how I was feeling and sent me home saying they would visit me at home twice a day.
Then, a phonecall from my wife, she wanted to come home and work it out, I told her that I couldnt trust what she was saying and that I needed more time and asked if this was about the house, she said no but I have the girls beds here, anyway we agreed that we would give it a few more days. That afternoon she cut my mobile phone off as both our numbers were in her name.
That got me through till yesterday.However yesterday I felt suicidal again and phoned the urgent care team, the lady on the phone was flippant and said "oh we will call you back in an hour or so" I felt so alone and went and got the meat knife out and began cutting the back of my arm to make sure the knife would do the job properly, then our social worker phoned to say that he had spoken with my wife and that she had only said about coming home as someone had told her about the overdose and she felt guilty about it (not my intention, I meant to finish it) but had "strengthened up again" and wanted to stay where she is. I explained to the social worker how I was feeling and told him to leave me alone from now on. Next thing the phone rings, its Urgent care team (Social worker had phoned them) and was talking to me when there was a hammering at the door "Open up or we will break it down" it was the police, again!
They came in and took the knife away and called an ambulance who dressed my arm and with that a Doctor from prospect park hospital arrived.
We talked for a long time and he has promised they WILL help me but I need to stay safe and he or his team will come and see me on monday. They gave some pills to help me sleep as I hadnt slept or eaten since monday.
This morning im still feeling like ending it all, there are a load of letters here saying about cancelled direct debits, my wife has cancelled them all as she did the money as im no good with that sort of stuff, ive no money till the 22nd and im frightened to phone these companies.
I really dont know how im going to get through this weekend.
In amongst all that yesterday my dad also phoned, in a panic as usual about his money and asking me to go up there to help him. I snapped at him and told him I wasnt doing well to which he replied "well ive got problems here" I told him to ring my sister and hung up. I feel very bad about that but I just dont have the head space and cant cope with his problems aswell.

Oh Simon, I dont know what to say... I feel that you are at a point where you need to be supported, can you not go and stay with your sister? Being on your own in the house that you shared with your family will be taking its toll, and its probably making you feel more alone than ever! Your sister is obviosly worried about you or she wouldnt have called the police, perhaps you should go and see her and ask for her help. If youre not feeling able to, at least ask her to help you with getting all the cancelled direct debits sorted out and getting things put into your name.

Your wifes behaviour seems very manipulative to me, and selfish, and it has exasperated your situation. I think you need to distance yourself from her until you can get your head together and start to cope with things again...the important thing now is to concentrate on yourself and getting your life back on track. I know it will be hard not seeing your children for a while but I think you are so low in yourself that it wouldnt be good for them to see their Daddy like that, you may say that you can keep it together around them but they will already be confused and upset by all the changes taking place in their young lives...moving to a refuge, having strangers around and your wifes behaviour will all have an effect.

Its serious stuff all these attempts to take your life, and I want you to be honest with the doctors and staff and tell them everything....if you are trying to end it all then you are a risk to yourself...wouldn't it be helpful to go into hospital for a short while, you will be able to rest and gather your thoughts. If you reach the point of desperation again I want you to call them and ask them to admit you for your own safety.

Your little girls need their Daddy to be well and back in their lives again, you know yourself that your wifes health can only get worse over time and you need to be around for them...If you end things who are they going to turn to, they could end up in care, Simon... If you love them as much as I know you do then you must get help and start to take back your life. Its not about your wife anymore, its all about you now. She is getting help and if she is as unstable as you say then this will become apparent, she's under the spotlight now. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep your distance from her and start to rebuild...

I will be thinking about you, please think carefully about the recent events and what triggered them and try and put some coping strategies in place to stop the worse happening again. Best of luck Simon and keep talking to your doctors, family and to us here...you can get through this and when you have you will be stronger in the broken places.... 🙂