[Solved] I assaulted my 15yr old stepson

Hi DannyP 🙂

...You're talking about it and are taking full responsibility for your actions and this is the first step. My advice to you would be to go and see your GP and tell him what has happened and ask if he can refer you to an anger mangement counsellor. This will help you to understand whats lies beneath your reactions, and it will also help your family to see that you are genuinely trying to do something about what happened.

I know you must be feeling just terrible at the moment but lets hope that given a little time you can all come to terms with what has happened and move forward. Might I also suggest that you think about talking to Relate....I'll give you a link to their website. This is something you could all do together as a family, if not right now, perhaps in the future.

I would also like to share a similar situation between my partner and my son when he was 15, he is also his step father. I think it must be a hormonal boy to man thing because my son was behaving really badly and being quite confrontational, squaring upo to his stepdad, pretty much as happened to you....My partner snapped and grabbed him and had him up against the wall, they were struggling and it only lasted seconds. Fortunately I didnt involve the police, I sent my son to his room, he was shocked and needed to calm down. Like you my partner was devastated and disgusted with himself, things calmed down and he apologised to my son and my son said sorry too. They were a little wary around each other for a while but things were back to normal pretty quickly. My son is 30 in July and has total respect for his stepdad, they can laugh about that time and my son acknowledges that he was out of order. I think you'll find these type of incidents are more common than you imagine.

www.relate.org.uk

Best of luck with putting the pieces back together Danny and dont punish yourself too much.

I would see an anger management counsellor as soon as possible, for a number of reasons
1. It needs to be sorted out
2. You are demonstrating to your family (all of them) that you are serious about doing something about your issues
3. It shows to the court that you are truly sorry for what you did - this is the least important of the reasons really - the first two are the most important. Make sure you tell the court that you want to build up the relationship with your family again, including your stepson - come up with some proposals you can put to court that you can try that would provide a safe atmosphere for your stepson.

I think a single incident won't scar him, and he may be feeling bad about how he reacted to you also. Time does heal, but make sure you show you love him (and your other children) even if (once the court allows) it's by regular letter or something like that.

I agree with NJ - I think the fact that you haven't tried to avoid responsibility for this incident is extremely commendable.

Thanks all for your replies.

They really help.

I have been to see my GP who has given me some anti depressants for now. Counselling is the next step.

I really hope that you are right in saying that hopefully this will pass. It just feels so raw at the moment.

Thanks you so much for your kind words, they are a comfort 🙂

Danny.

If your GP has not recommended you for counselling yet,I think MIND run anger management courses. Perhaps you could put anger management into the search engine with the area you live in and you should find a whole list of places that run them It is important that you get going on that because it shows everyone that you have taken responsibility and are dealing with it, which is so important for you, your family and the authorities. Good for you on taking responsibility too and asking for help! Good Luck! 🙂

Try contacting Talking Therapies about your anger management, There is a short wait but they are supposed to be really good.

For those that were kind enough to offer me support I have a bit of a situation update.

I got a 2 yr conditional discharge for the assault, which was v lucky.

I am currently living in a flat but have full access to the family home.

I am on anti-depressants and see a psychotherapist once a week, which is very helpful.

My relationship with my stepson is getting back to normal, although I do still have bouts of extreme guilt. My relationship with other family members seems to be okish now.

I'm still hoping my wife has forgiven me, although she's the one I worry about the most as she's still a little non commital over our future. Still, I try not to worry about it or ovethink it.

I feel ok in myself, but I'm not sure if I'm happy. Reading "The Jewel Garden" by Monty Don. V interesting so far, as he suffers from depression too.

All the best,

Danny

Danny, I'm so glad that you are working through it all and that your relationships are getting back on an even keel....I truly hope your wife will come round, non committal is better than not at all, as she sees you getting better she may start to open up again and allow you to get closer to her....just give it time.

Thank you so much for dropping by and letting us know how things are going, we really appreciate it when members that have had a hard time come back on a more positive note.

I am very happy to hear that things are on the up. I think you should just focus on you and the "now" rather than the future at present, for your own sake. AS NJ says when your wife sees how you are dealing with it and your improvement in yourself, maybe things ill change. Non committal is defo better than anything!

It is only time now ...and good luck 🙂

DannyP,

First of all can I say, well done. You realised you were having issues and have taken steps to sort them out.

I am so glad that things are getting better.

I would echo the advice already given, concentrate on now and feeling better.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Gooner

Thank you everyone for your most recent words of support.

They are some lovely positive notes for me to remember on darker days.

This forum has been a real pillar of strength for me. Thanks so much 🙂

Hello again peeps!

Just another update.

Things still seem to be working out ok. I have my up and down days, where I think of what happened and it still makes me feel very ashamed, but I do try to keep a balance with the positive inroads that I've made.

I'm still renting a flat, but have daily contact with my wife and children in person so its not like im away from home that much really.

Hopefully I'll be able to move home again soon, but I guess I'll need to know that my son is truly happy about that. To be fair to him, he's been nothing but supportive of me over the whole incident, and he's more of a man bout it than I ever would've been. But, I hope I've not damaged him, and thats what makes me doubt everything!

Still, I guess more time will help.

All the best,

Danny.

Good to hear Danny.

Admitting your mistake is a very hard thing to do, and I think an extremely good lesson and role model for your son 🙂

This is my first post here and this subject is very close to my heart as my 15 yr old daughter was at the hands of an exact same incident. She now lives with me as she is scared to be at was once for her, home. Personally I have no sympathy with you. People like you wreck lives because you don't have the strength to walk away from conflict. I hope every day that guilt finds you and tortures you. I am sure without doubt that you are sorry and that you seek forgiveness you poor misunderstood bully. There is no justification for lashing out at a minor. Walk away, be the bigger man.
All of you that show pity, would you do so if it happened to your child ? You'd want his [censored] on a plate.

Note to self, must read book on how to win friends and influence people

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter Mr Chips. I can understand why you feel the way you do, you're angry and upset....it's so painful when our children are hurting and afraid and we weren't able to protect them.

I can only speak for myself but I try to be non judgemental when responding to other members here, although I have had my moments! Generally people arrive here needing help and looking for support and I think it's to our credit that most of the time, as a group, we are able to provide that.

You are wrong about acting differently had it happened to one of our children, it happened to mine as I mentioned in my reply to Danny. Being a step parent can be extremely hard and we all make mistakes...I knew how much my partner loved my son, and still does. As a young man my son had to take responsibility for his provocation of his step dad just as his step dad had to take responsibility for his reaction. We sorted it out as a family and as I said, they both laugh about it now....my son is thirty.

I do appreciate that being a girl, the situation is different, if you want to talk about it we are here to listen, if not then that's fine too. Having said that using violence against either [censored] is wrong, I just wanted to make that clear!

This is my first post here and this subject is very close to my heart as my 15 yr old daughter was at the hands of an exact same incident. She now lives with me as she is scared to be at was once for her, home. Personally I have no sympathy with you. People like you wreck lives because you don't have the strength to walk away from conflict. I hope every day that guilt finds you and tortures you. I am sure without doubt that you are sorry and that you seek forgiveness you poor misunderstood bully. There is no justification for lashing out at a minor. Walk away, be the bigger man.
All of you that show pity, would you do so if it happened to your child ? You'd want his [censored] on a plate.

Note to self, must read book on how to win friends and influence people

Mr Chips - everyone on here is entitiled to their own opinion however I'm not entirely sure how constructive your comments are. I can understand how given your circumstances you would feel angry but it is also worth remembering that the incident involving your daughter whilst it may be similar was not the "exact same incident" - it is very easy to judge without understanding this situation, the persons state of mind and the events that have led to an event happening. Also in this situation - Danny P would agree with you that what he did was wrong, should never have happened and that he should have been the bigger man and walked away - but he has also taken steps to get help and counselling for his anger issues. In this situation, I would suggest that, Danny deserves our support and understanding.

However after saying all that, it is great that your daughter is in a safe enviroment with her father who obviously loves her. How is she doing?

Gooner

Wow, well I must say that I was extremely saddened to read the post by Mr Chips.

Yes, a lot of what you say is very true, but a lot of what you say shows that you don't know anything about my situation.

This is a forum, where anybody can have an opinion. You have given yours, now I would like to give mine. I want you to fully understand that I have not, and would not judge you as a man because of your situation.

Firstly, I posted here on DAD info because at the time I had just suffered from a nervous breakdown, mostly bought on by a massive move of premises at work. I was under huge pressure, and depressed, yet at the time I didn't notice. I didn't come on here begging cyberspace to forgive me, I didn't come on here thinking that things would ever be ok, and I didn't come on here hoping that this would make it all better. I came on here because I needed advice like had anybody else done something similar. Strangely enough, I don't go around beating up minors, and I especially don't go around beating up minors that I've fathered since they were 4, and love like my own biological girls, aged 9 & 6. I needed guidance, and someone to talk to. Lets be honest, men don't normally talk about stuff like this in the pub because its BLUDEY HORRIBLE & SHAMEFUL.

The good people on here kept me away from the really dark, from suicide basically. These people saved me from a better legacy than my dad left for me, namely he burned himself to death when I was 15. I've missed him every single day since then, I'm now 38.

As for the lovely point you made about hoping guilt finds me and tortures me daily, well, it does. It's got a proper name though, it's called REMORSE. In case you are not familiar with this word, it's how someone normally good & proper feels when they are so VERY TRULY SORRY about something they've done. Just so you know, it's pains me that I've failed my son in this way, it pains me that this is the glowing example of manhood that I've provided, and it pains me that one day I'll have to explain to my daughters why daddy went away for 2 weeks without a trace (bail conditions) and why it was necessary. So you'll be really glad to know that the pain NEVER goes away.

As for others "wanting my [censored] on a plate" My [censored], however small they might be we're big enough to never once deny their wrong doing, big enough to do EVERYTHING in their power to try to rebuild his family, and still are, big enough to admit I needed help and that maybe I wasn't the man I thought I was, big enough to front up to everything else including my immediate family, my stepsons biological dad, my friends and work colleagues. My [censored] shrank, but they NEVER HID AWAY EITHER.

Also, at the age of 18 I had to have my mother forcibly sectioned under the mental health act. This is itself may not sound difficult, but then years later admitting myself that I had mental health issues was scary. Self doubt and paranoia consumed me, and its only now that I have some medication can I control my reactions to a much better extent.

From a my son & I point of view, we actually have a much closer relationship now. Strangely enough I think we respect each other more now. It took for this to happen to make me realise just how much I love my step son. There's this funny thing where for some reason the fact that he's my stepson makes this different, like I can't possibly love him like my biological daughter. Let me tell everyone here that that is TOTAL RUBBISH. I never saw him as anything other than my own. That's why I was and still am ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED by my cruel actions.

I will not go into exact detail about the circumstances that led to the awful events that occurred in my family, but let me leave it at the fact that the "challenging" behaviour was not a one off. My son had been warned many times about his challenging nature, and sometimes no means no. I actually have the pictures of the bruises that he gave to me, he is my height 6'3" and is much bigger than me. He would pass for 18 in most bars already. So just so you know, although it was wrong, it was not David and Goliath.

As for me being a bully, well I guess some may call it that, but a bully repeatedly hurts and abuses someone both physically and mentally on many occasions. I would consider myself unlucky to have to say that I can only think of this one occasion where I crossed the line, as one time is one time to many. I may be weak, the smaller man and VERY WRONG but I'm not a bully. Is it fair of me to say I felt quite bullied by your post Mr Chips? No, I didn't think so.

So, I hope I've cleared some stuff up there, and for all the peeps that offered me SUPPORT and NOT FORGIVENESS thank you again so much for providing this forum, without which I could well be dead now, and my son & daughters would have all the same questions that I never got to ask my dad.

Danny P

Very eloquently put Danny, I think you are a credit to yourself, you didn't hide away from it, nor make excuses for what happened. You stepped up and took responsibility...it's been a hard lesson but I think you have come out the other side a much wiser man.

Mr Chips is entitled to his opinion and perhaps when he's had time to reflect, his attitude towards you will soften...I hope when that happens he's man enough to admit he was too quick to judge.

It's a pity you were drawn back to the Forum to have to answer for your actions in this way, but I'm glad to hear that you and your boy are getting on so well!

I know of no one else here that has anything other than respect for the way you dealt with a very traumatic experience, so please take heart from that.

Thanks Nannyjane.

You were a beacon of light in a very, very dark place for me.

Like I said, I wasn't looking for forgiveness, only my son can give that, but I came looking for support, and that support saved me.

I'll forever be grateful to those of you that listened.

Thanks again

Danny P

Don't be a stranger on here Danny - I think you have a lot that will help other dads. 🙂