Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
When you share a child with someone, getting divorced may end your marriage, but it doesn’t end your obligation to co-parent your child. So what happens when your ex is just downright nasty?
If your ex-spouse is making it difficult and burdensome to raise your children peacefully and cooperatively, you may be dealing with a toxic ex.
The Signs of a Toxic Ex
According to Healthy Place, a consumer resource for mental health, a toxic ex is a co-parent who “creates a loyalty conflict for your children.”
If you suspect your child’s other parent is engaging in toxic behavior, you may notice that he or she:
-Tries to interfere with the communication you have with your child.
-Says negative things about you to your child.
-Tries to erase you in your child’s life, and may even try to substitute you with another person, such as a new romantic partner.
-Undermines your authority over your child.
-Attempts to convince your child that you are not trustworthy.
These behaviors can seriously damage your relationship with your child, especially if your child is very young at the time of your divorce. Many younger children lack the life experience and emotional intelligence to recognize when a toxic parent is trying to disrupt their bond with their other parent.
Tips for Handling a Toxic Ex
If your ex-spouse is subverting your authority and relationship with your child, don’t lose hope. It’s easy to get frustrated, but remember that your child needs a positive, grounded parent — and that needs to be you.
Here are a few tips to help you maintain your good relationship with your child despite your ex’s efforts:
Keep it positive. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of your child. It may be tempting to vent your frustrations, but save your anger for the ear of a good friend or family member.
Keep your cool. Many toxic people take a perverse pleasure in forcing others beyond their boiling point. They may engage in behaviors designed to cause frustration, anxiety, and anger. Whenever possible, stay calm and focused. After a while, they may realize they aren’t going to get under your skin, and may eventually give up.
Keep contact basic and professional. When you have a toxic ex, it’s usually a good idea to avoid engaging them in conversations and communications that stray outside basic information exchanges. If you need to text, email, or call, restrict your communications to basic details, such as where you will pick up your child, or what time your child’s school music recital will begin. If you indulge your ex in lengthy conversations, he or she may use it as a way to dredge up old arguments or imaginary complaints about you.
Keep clear boundaries. Just because you’re committed to being as positive as possible when it comes to your ex-spouse does not mean you have to be a doormat. Make sure your ex knows your limits. For example, if you can’t take phone calls at work, be very clear with your ex about not calling you while you’re in the office.
http://www.schibelllaw.com/co-parenting-with-a-toxic-ex-tips-for-deal-with-it/
Good points. You can have a toxic ex even when you have custody of the children, though obviously the negative effects are very limited then.
I can't emphasise enough the importance of boundaries when you have a toxic ex, and the more of those boundaries you can get set out in a court order the better.
Keep communication to an absolute minimum at handovers, and only communicate about things that are completely relevant to that handover. Anything else can be done by text or email later on. Personally, I don't do phone calls at all and that is stipulated in my court order now, as toxic ex's see it as open goal for an argument/abuse. A text or email is easier to handle - you can reply when it is suitable for you (if it is relevant, otherwise don't bother - toxic ex partners LOVE irrelevant/unnecessary communication - they thrive on it).
If at a handover, they continue to berate you, harass, or abuse you in front of your child, walk away, and wait for your child in your car/at the end of the road. I get a taxi personally, and have often had to leave the doorstep and wait in the taxi until my ex brought our child over to me - she didn't like me not giving what she wanted at first, and there were some tough handovers for a while, but eventually she realised that I wasn't going to give her what she wanted, which was to take her abuse or get in an argument, and these days she rarely bothers. You may feel this would confuse or upset your child to walk away like this, but it does more good than harm, as it would be much worse for them to experience conflict between their parents. You can also talk to your child about (not in front of your ex). For example, 'I want you to know that if Daddy ever walks away, then it's because he loves you, and he wants to make things safe for you. I will just be at the end of the road, and then you can say goodbye properly to Mummy and come to me when you're ready'. I did this with my daughter and she understood completely. She will even ask me when I drop her off to say goodbye at a distance from her mum now, as she realises it's 'safer', and I will watch her walk down the pavement to her mum by herself. You might not need to go that far, but if you do, know that you aren't a bad parent, you are doing what is best for your child and your child will grow up to understand and respect that.
If you are able to set a neutral public handover location then I highly recommend it - somewhere where you will have witnesses if your ex kicks off. Again, that is something that can be set out in a court order. When you are on their doorstep, you are in their territory, and they can all too easily take advantage of that, often using your child as a pawn on the doorstep.
It has taken some time for my ex to realise that I am being serious in my boundaries and I'm not going to let my boundaries down anytime soon. She still tries occasionally, but being both consistent and persistent with your boundaries is critical. If you have boundaries one day, but not the next, your ex will see straight through them and they will know your boundaries are meaningless.
Lastly, I would say this as a good golden rule to follow. It depends on just how toxic your ex is, I guess, but you need to be the judge of that - make your boundaries more watertight, consistent, and clearer than you think they need to be - always be one step ahead, so that if things turn sour for whatever reason, you've already got your shield up.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.