How to deal with stepchildren overstepping personal boundaries

Hi guys,

Hoping to pull on the experience of other Dads in the same situation at me currently or in the past, as I'm getting to the end of my tether a little.

Apologies in advance for the long post, its turned into a bit of a venting session!

I have an 11 year old daughter who I have 50/50 shared care of with my ex. Myself and the ex have a better relationship now than we did before, but it's all strictly professional and 100% about our daughter. We try and have the same rules in each other's houses, deal with difficult situations as a family, attend school meetings and events as a team, and even go and watch our daughter in her karate practise every week. In short, it's an awesome situation and - even though our daughter still wishes we were back together - works well for all of us. I wouldn't change it for the world.

My partner of five years (who I've lived with for almost a year) has four children from two previous relationships, aged 10, 12, 16 and 18. The 18 year old lives with his father, and doesn't have much contact with us outside of him randomly contacting us at 2AM or 3AM for a chat some days as he has a drug problem and very often gets high during the week, has a freak out and then needs his Mum to talk him down.

The other three live with us full-time.

The 16 year old has the same Dad as the 18 year old, he has Aspergers and we also get on well from time to time, he spends most of his time in his room and we don't see much of him. He sees his father very rarely as, unfortunately, the Dad doesn't understand him too well and has some other kids from new relationships which seem to take centre stage.

The 10 year old also has Autism, as well as ADHD, Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, most of which have been diagnosed in the last five years and, despite a rocky start (which was more me learning how to interact with her), we get on really well.

The 12 year old (same father as the 10 year old) is who I'm struggling with, currently. He has severe anger issues, and bullies the life out of his poor sister, despite her various disabilities and sometimes uses them as a tool with which to pick on her. He spends all of his time on his iPad or Xbox, and hates pretty much any contact with the outside world. We've had to literally drag him out of the house for days out in the past. He has a LOT of pent up issues, but will not share his feelings with his Mum, the School or even his older brother (16, who lives with us). So, even if something is bothering him, he won't open up to his Mum about what's going on. Sometimes he'll come out of school in a foul mood and takes it out on his sister, for no explanation at all as to what's caused him to be so angry or upset, despite Mum's best efforts to discuss with him.

Now, the father of the 10 and 12 year old is absent, only seeing them once a week and very often turns up late on the days that he does see them. He never helps my partner with anything outside of that one day he spends with them, so a fair chunk of parental responsibility has fallen on me in the past, which I've embraced fully, as I've wanted to give the kids the strong male role model they don't have in their lives from the start, as I could see that is what they are severely lacking.

However, I've had to take a step back from them since we've moved in, as I'm not allowed to speak out when my personal boundaries are over-stepped by the kids, despite me paying 50/50 on everything in the house, helping out with chores, washing, cooking, cleaning etc. Basically everything a good stepdad should do, in my eyes.

My partner had issues with her father as a child, and hates shouting and raised voices, and never ever backs me up when her children overstep my boundaries, as her instinct is to protect her children, which is fair enough, but this automatically undermines me and my position within the family. The 12 year old appears to have seen this as a green light to take all of his pent up frustration and anger out on me, as he knows he can get away with it. Most of the time I'm able to grin and bear it, but I asked him to do something for me recently (take his feet off the table we eat from in the dining room), which he did, but he shot me the most disgusting look afterwards. I politely asked him not to look at me like that, at which point his mother got involved and, because she didn't see the incident happen, automatically jumped to his defense at which point he started laughing at me and I yelled at him telling him that I'm a human being with feelings too and shouldn't have to put up with this, at which point his mother yelled at me and made me leave the room.

I haven't spoken to him since (this was about two weeks ago) and, even when discussing with my partner, because she didn't see the incident, she's implying that I have either fabricated the entire situation or misunderstood the boy.

This is not an isolated incident, we've had many over the years and her suggestion is a "nacho" approach where I take a step back and let her deal with all the parenting of her kids, which is fine, but relies on her being present to carry out the parenting which, in situations as per the above, doesn't work because she will automatically jump to the defense of her kids.

I've tried suggesting to her that we should be a team and appear as such in front of the kids, regardless of whether we agree or not, we should always back each other up in front of them and then sort our differences out when they've gone to bed, but she doesn't feel like this is viable as she will not stand up for something she does not agree with in front of her kids.

So it's sort of leaving me as some sort of live-in house maid, who has to get involved in all the normal Dad stuff of cooking, cleaning, washing etc, but I have to endure any and all manner of disrespect thrown at me by the kids and, frankly, it's getting me down a bit!!

There's loads more that goes on, and has gone on in the past - it's been a tumultuous 5 years with my partner and I guess the above really starts and ends with us getting on the same page, but I'm just finding it difficult to cope. I do have friends and family I can turn to, but it's not always easy to explain as they all have their own lives and issues to deal with, so I'm hoping to get some advice and understanding from my fellow Stepdads!

Cheers, if you got this far, and apologies again for the megapost.

AKM.