[Solved] How do I stop being "shouty"?

Hi Crocs,

How old is your eldest?

Gooner

He's 12, he's almost broken me tonight.
Had a huge row, he kicked doors and windows, squared up to me, swore at me, I think I had a panic attack. In the end I came to bed an left him to it. He fell asleep on te couch fully dressed with his packed bag next to him.
I'm taking him back to the docs tomorrow, hopefully get another CAMHS referal. I can't live like this. It's driving me insane. I even considered throwing him in the car and driving to the police station at one point. I'll be honest, he scares the [censored] out of me.

Have you thought about family counselling for both of you? My friend went through this with one of her twin boys, he was about the same age, his Dad had never really bothered to be involved but he'd re surfaced and then disappeared again. Made my friend's son lose the plot. Their GP organised a specialist counsellor for them and it was really successful, got to the bottom of the problem at least.

We went to CAMH but cause dad wouldnt sort himself out and agree to mediation or some sort of contact they put it down to us and wouldnt take it further after assessment.
Im dont in this morning. Dont know if I can cope any more. he kicked off over a drink last night, windows were kicked doors were kicked.....I was screamed at, sworn at, accused of child abuse because I restrained him to calm him. Hes refused to go to school yet again. he just sits like a stubborn 6 yr old. Spoke to school at they too are unsure because he just wont talk, they put all sort of things in place to help him but with his refusal to talk, how can we help him.

Im defo going to go back down th CAMHs route.

I went to the hospital with my daughter and grandchild yesterday as he had an appointment and in the waiting room I happened to notice a flyer advertising a helpline for children. I don't know how useful it will be but I thought I'd post it, any port in a storm.

https://www.kooth.com/

I would def speak with GP and ask for CAMHS referral but also ask if there are any local organisations that can offer family counselling for you and your son. These services generally have a shorter wait time than CAMHS and can run in parallel with them, My son is under CAMHS for anxiety issues and we've done counselling together as well but will depend on your area. PM me if you like just in case we're in similar areas.

Thanks All.

The school thing is a massive issue, we drive there all happy and great, he gets out of the car and bam....the tears fall, big dobbin tears......not like "Im just being a brat and not going to school tears" DOBBIN tears. No issues though, he has a time out card where he can leave the lesson and hes free to go and sit with any teacher he feels he wants to. To be fair they have been amazing. Because Im in a different borough they have suggested a trial move to the local high school near me....Im hoping this is a fresh start. The Pastoral care team look amazing, we wnet to open eveing last night and he seemed OK, but then i wonder manybe it was the realisation that set him off.

I get how [censored] it all is for him and I know we have a very long way to go with him.....does anyone have any advise on how I can keep calm? How I dont react? I just seem to lose it. Its the blatant defiance of him that riles me. I tried to ignore it last night but the banging got louder and harder and harder, my neighbours must wonder whats going on!

When my eldest was going through her nightmare stage a few years ago, I resorted to calmly taking her phone (& any other technology) walked away, refused to engage with her and left her to it. I had to for my own sanity as I was losing the plot with her on a daily basis. Once she'd calmed down and wanted her stuff back and was willing to talk, I would then set a punishment term for the technology, suppose it depends if your son is bothered about anything like that? I used to give her the phone back for school hours only.

Thats the thing, dad has cut his phone off so he isnt really bothered. All he cares about is playing out but hes a bit old for grounding and Id struggle to keep him in (he WOULD climb out the window!)

Ive search the web for councilling in my area but Im struggling? Any ideas? CAMHs can take up to 25 weeks for a referral.
Havent really got he funds at the moment to pay for private, especially if hes just going to refuse to talk, might as well burn 50 quid.

NJ - that website looks fab, has an online journal and things, Ive tried to get him to do that, I kept a diary as a kid and it really helped me. might chat to him about that agian tonight.

He will be feeling betrayed and lost so its hardly surprising that he is hitting out. Changing school may help, but it might make him even more isolated.

I think as hard as it is he needs to know that your love for him is unconditional... This will take an awful lots of strength but if you are consistent and patient he should start to respond.

It might be helpful to sit down with him and make a list of the things you can both do to make things better for each other...things that are achievable. Also talk about the best way to manage situations when you are both upset. If you can get him to contribute to the solutions then he may take some responsibility....at the moment he is a confused little boy who has lost sight of his place in the world...where he belongs. Constant reassurance, setting achievable boundaries and reward for good behaviour... Days out as a family to show him that you are a unit and can have fun together.

Good advice from NJ. Re the counselling, I found ours through the GP and it's paid on a sliding scale....