[Solved] Help with son's assertiveness

Hi there and welcome 🙂

I think you're allowing your past experiences to overshadow the present. I can understand how you feel but you mustn't allow it to take up too much space in your life now, as your fears may well start to rub off on your sons.

At 3 and 1 you just cannot expect them to have any awareness of "standing their ground". The oldest child at 3 is only just learning how to interact socially, his development in this respect will come, and when he starts school full time his development will progress more quickly. What you are forgetting is that things have moved on a lot since you were a small boy, there is a lot more awareness about bullying and there are now strategies in place to tackle this kind of behaviour.

It might be better to concentrate your energies on helping him develop confidence with lots of interaction with his peers and lots of fun activities that he can learn and grow from. Encourage him to learn, read with him and help him with his numbers, and praise his achievements. A confident happy child will be popular and mix well with others.

I agree with what Jane said up to a point but I was struck by the mention of "when he goes to full-time school"...

My wife and I are looking into homeschooling and one of the first things you learn is you don't have to send your children to full-time school.

Your comments about being bullied at school struck a chord with me as I remember being on both ends of this bad behaviour, at different times, to my shame and also sadness.

I think UK schools are a great place to bully or be bullied and it is one of the reasons we are looking at homeschooling. Maybe knowing this is an option would make you see things in a broader perspective?

Anyhow, you are the role model for assertive (NOT aggressive!) behaviour, so relax, spend as much time with your children as you can and remember you are not alone. Draw on your empathy and compassion from the wounds you suffered to help your sons.

...I dont think bullying is exclusive to schools in the UK, nor is it exclusive to the school years, as the drive to stop bullying in the workplace, and recent laws to stamp it out will attest to. I think bullying is something that can be encountered throughout society, you only have to look at the latest phenomenon of "trolling" and cyberbullying on social networking websites. We need to tackle it head on and not hide from it or remove our children from school, and the opportunity to experience all thats good about social interaction and the camradarie that can only be found amongst our peers and the wider world. To remove children from the school system because they might be bullied, or because of the bad experiences of parents does not help children in the long run, as they will be so ill prepared when they have to venture out into the world as adults.

I personally have faith in our young people, most of them are decent and want to do well, we mustn't tar the majority because of the actions of a mindless few.

NannyJane,

I agree. I didn't actually think I wrote that all school children are bullies, nor that it only happens in UK schools. Sorry if that's what came across.

All I actually said is that from my experience, and in my understanding, our society and school system do encourage bullying. And I said there's an alternative which is legal and used by many parents, even though it often carries a social stigma... I knew it would be controversial to mention it, but I think it's important to come out and say this.

Hi,

First I would like to say a big thank you for both taking the time to answer my question, it is much appreciated.

I'd like to make a few points as feedback, in no particular order but what this dicussion has made me consider:

1. Even in writing my original query I recognised that I am imposing my fears on my eldest son. It reminds me of some friends of ours who have three kids. They admitted that the youngest was probably the most stable and most confident and also admitted that the youngest was the one they had focused on least in terms of development simply due to not enough hours in the day. We all had to laugh at this - for all we try to be attentive, supportive parents I guess there is such a thing as 'too much' parenting?

2. Nanny, I appreciate your point that at age 3 (4 in March) my son is just learning how to interact. This made me think - he does have quite strong verbal skills for his age, I strongly encourage him to pronounce longer words and explain their meanings as I think at this age kids just absorb anythikg and it is our restrictions that limit this development (I remember my mother teaching me words and correcting herself saying, 'oh no that is too long a word for you'). As a result he chats away and with us comes across as sounding more mature than he actually is so yes, I need to understand what to expect at this age. Could you give a very rough timeline on how kids interact socially as they age or is there a book/site you would recommend for this? It's funny, I read a number of baby and toddler books but am realising that I need more understanding of this age group.

3. On the home schooling - I agree with you both! We are aware of this option (my wife is a teacher) and I truly wish my parents had taken me out of school when things were hard for me though I do see the need to socialise everyone through school. I would see it as a more extreme option but would never rule it out. A combination of home tutoring and other activities to ensure they see other children in a more protected environment does not seem like the worst scenario to me. I do feel that after school things do improve in the workplace, further education etc. Yes, bullying does exist but for me it is the age at which the bullying occurs that is crucial. If a child gets to mid to late teens without suffering sustained bullying I do believe they will be better equipped to handle potential workplace bullies than the child who receives a far deeper scar prior to this time. So yes, I would consider it and do see it as a 'safety net' option, appreciate you mentioning it as I do feel it will become more and more popular. Ultimately, why should we send our children to a place where they are in danger of attack? We have friends whose eldest is in primary and they discovered that playtimes involved him being choked by another child, it had been going on for a while and the school are not doing a great deal to fix it. The old 'life is tough so they need to learn adage'. Sorry, but I just cannot accept that.

4. Controversial point - when I discuss the issue of 'standing up for themselves' at a very basic, physical level (the queuing example), male friends nod their heads and agree that this is crucial behaviour for boys as early as possible. Interestingly, female audiences tend to have a different response, stating that children need the right environment to get along, it shouldn't be about children standing up for themselves at that age. It makes me wonder if the social/physical signals between groups of boys/girls differs at this age somehow. Note, I am not saying either view is right or worng, but there does seem to be a difference on how this is viewed between the sexes.

5. This hits the nail on the head for me around this whole point: 'Draw on your empathy and compassion from the wounds you suffered to help your sons.' That is exactly what I am trying to do but trying to find the line between building their confidence and just being an overly sensitive Dad is proving tricky.

Thank you both again, just being able to talk about this is a huge help for me. I do recognise that I am getting several things wrong here and your help is sincerely appreciated.

...I've thought about a rough timeline and to be honest, children are so individual, as is their development. The pre-school years are a time of intense learning for our little ones, they are like sponges and absorb everything. If you watch a room full of 3 year olds, you will see a certain amount of interaction, but also a lot of self absorbtion. They do play together, but in a very rudimentary way! They can be quite selfish still at this age, and refuse to share a toy for example! Once at school they are encouraged to work together and are given tasks that reflect this. My five year old grandson is now interacting fully and thoroughly enjoys it! To see him and the other little stars in the school nativity play at christmas, all working together was just lovely! I think that the teachers are so much more aware of bullying now and its something that is discussed from the start. A sense of compassion for those less fortunate than themselves is also promoted. They support projects in Africa and other third world countries, and have an understanding of the plight of other children around the world. My grandson shows a great deal of compassion for children that are suffering and a lot of this stems from the work they do at school. Its this compassion and awareness of need that will help shape these youngsters and will grow with them.

I have no experience of homeschooling, or the effects both positive and negative that it has on the children taught at home. I dont think theres any regulation of homeschooling, I cant even find the numbers of children that this applies to... a ball park figure of 50,000 - 80,000 is mentioned but how true to the mark that is, is unclear. I must also admit that I personally dont agree with it, although I respect the right of parents to make that decision for their children. I would like to see some regulation and monitoring of it, and this may be in the pipeline.
If there can be a blend of home tutoring and activities with other children outside of the home environment, then I might have less objection to it, but I wouldnt recommend it for my grandchildren....that just my personal opinion! 🙂