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Hi
I am in the unenviable position of trying to raise two amazing children who's mother suffers from a variety of mental health disorders and personality problems. This is having a great impact on both children with mum being very unpredictable and often completely emotionally detached from them. She dresses very inappropriately and often posts selfies to social media which again upsets my daughter as her friends can see them.To make matters worse she left a few years ago to be with my daughters best friends dad who has controlling narcissistic tendencies. We have been in this seeing mum / not seeing mum for some time now, she doesn't provide any financial support being on disability and very often won't contact the children for weeks.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? My main concern is the effect on the children's well being.
Hi there
This must be very difficult for you and distressing for your children, but really theres no way of controlling this situation without actively cutting her out of their lives.
Without knowing how old your children are it's difficult to try and advise you, if your children are old enough, it might be a good idea to sit down with them and ascertain how they would like to deal with the situation and what they would like to happen.
You would be within your rights to call a halt to contact, if you feel it's upsetting your kids. You could write to her formally to point out that her actions with regard to the children have consequences and ask that she either starts to make an effort to see them regularly and doesn't let them down, or you will take action to protect them.
You might like to think about mediation to try and resolve the issues, and to get some form of understanding and expectation from her to move things forward.
Apart from that all you can do is to be there for them, be honest and caring... which I'm sure you are already doing.
Best of luck
Hi
Thanks for your reply. Yes I have been managing the situation for around 3 years now, the children are aged 8 & 12. Tried mediation and all forgotten two minutes from leaving the office. The other issue we have is that her new partner is an ex solicitor (struck off) who still works "under the wire". In the past she's had him sending all sorts of threats and unpleasantness when I've tried to formalise things or I've tried to reduce the time spent with the children because of her behaviour. I found a local Young Carers charity that has really helped my daughter so that has been a positive
My youngest is still under the impression that Mummy is coming back and that she is staying with a friend although he's slowly getting the picture
Can't your daughter block her mother from social media? That way her friends wouldn't see her - not ideal but it would help a bit.
As long as your communication with your ex about formalising arrangements is civil and reasonable, I wouldn’t worry about such threats, all the more reason to want something more formal. Keep copies of inappropriate texts or emails.
You can instigate mediationby going to see a mediator and talking about the issues you have, they would then invite her to attend, if she refuses the mediator will sign the appropriate forms to enable to to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order.
Your daughter can also use NYAS if she would like more support, they understand the legal implications as well as pastoral support.
www.nyas.net
If you haven’t already, you can approach the school to provide some pastoral support for him too, someone who he can talk to about how he is feeeling. It’s worth keeping the school in the loop, especially if it ends up in court.
All the best
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