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Me and my 4 year old son are constantly arguing. It's having a real impact on the family (wife and 6 year old daughter).
He's very strong willed and I just cannot seem to hit the 'magic' words and tone that engages him to go along with what needs to be done (brush teeth, get into pj's, help tidy up, talk in a quieter voice when someone is asleep). I know none of those things are 'fun' and I understand why he wouldn't want to do them but I am tearing my hear out on how to improve matters.
Typically a morning goes like this (wakes at 6 bangon). Lets go downstairs and let the girls sleep as they're tired. I want to take some toys (loudly). sssh, quiet voice remember, let's get some toys. I want these specific ones. Not particularly quiet while rummaging for toys. Me sssh quiet voice again. raised voice from him saying no daddy or something. Daughter wakes up, wife goes to daughter, wife cross for me not handling the situation in a quiet calm manner.
Typically an evening goes like this:
go upstairs for bath/bed. son is tired and starts being silly, winding up big sister. Politely ask him to calm down, leave her alone. Starts getting silly and really annoying big sister to point of upset. I encourage getting into pj's/brushing teeth. Son ignores me, starts doing other things (generally faffing about). I start being firmer with son (probably too firm), argument starts, doors slammed, shouting,wife steps in. Wife gets cross for having to step in.
It's driving me crazy, I just can't think quickly enough on my feet to distract/break the silliness, distractable cycle so it goes down hill.
Help please, any practical suggestions on things you do to make the mundane parts of life easier! (the exiting things we're fine with - things like going to the zoo, the park, out shopping are all fine - we get on great)
Hi there and welcome 🙂
It can be so hard to find the right balance, especially with children at that age! He is most likely picking up on your stress levels and anxiety and reacting to it.
Next time you're shopping with him suggest he picks his own tooth brush...I was having problems with my 4yr old grandson with the same thing so when we were shopping together I let him pick a new brush...he picked a battery operated football one! he wasn't keen on the toothpaste either so we got some spongebob bubblegum flavour... he was a lot happier at teeth brushing time after that!
You could try making a chart with him, with columns for being quiet in the morning, getting pj's on, brushing teeth, being nice to his sister and anything else he needs encouragement with. As you're making the chart together, talk about the column headings with him and involve him in the colours you use etc. Get some star stickers and explain that each time hes a good boy and performs a particular task successfully he can have a star in the column. Engage him with it and everytime he wins a star make a big deal of it with lots of praise. Give him a goal to reach such as a treat when he reaches five stars with each column.
Do you read with him, children love that, in the mornings try doing some drawing with him or anything that occupies his mind, sticker books. When my grandson stays over he loves me to tell him a story....It always has a little boy called "my grandsons name" in it and the story I just make up as I go along.... It doesnt have to be perfect and once you get going its quite easy and lots of fun because you can incorporate things that are familiar to him.
There are always going to be hiccups, there always are for all of us as parents and grandparents, the trick is not to let it wind you up! Brothers and sisters argue, my brother and I were always at it, the one consolation is that they are getting older all the time and will grow out of this phase! Maybe you and your wife could take turns getting up with him, if you havent exchanged roles, then it would be a good idea to let her walk a mile in your moccassins! She might be a little more understanding then...
Good luck with it all and let us know how you get on! 🙂
I have 5 sons, trust me this sounds normal. The more you tell them to stop something the more they will do it . plan ahead, get toys ready the night before, start his bedtime routine before hes tired and grumpy, make this your special one to one time with your son, he will love having that time just you and him. Like nj said he picking up on your tension. Hes wide awake and wants fun . It doesnt go on for ever, in a few years you will be posting, saying my son wont get out of bed lol
I have a girl (eldest) and two boys - they are great fun. Most "evenings" some weird button is pushed and after dinner they are running around like crazy things.
Some nights even our eldest joins in the craziness :woohoo:
Some of me really likes it, but - as scrat44 says there does not appear to be an easy way to wind down the fun.
The biggest help I've found is the old "don't let your statements back you into a corner over something that is trivial" - you constantly have to work at it, trying to think up an alternative but having that mental aim of "don't let myself get trapped" has helped. After a while you find the situation doesn't escalate as often.
Oh yes and your 4 / 5 year old has hormone increase - giving him 4 times as much testosterone as a teenager.... So they will get wild
Might be worth giving this a look http://triplep.familymatters.org.uk
Seriously would consider Triple P, it can help you with some great coping strategies.
Hi there
Yeah been there
It is all about testing the boundaries and it is easy to argue with them. You say that he has no problem doing the things he wants to do so you may need to threaten him by removing some of these treats if he misbehaves.
It may be worth having a little chat with him without arguing and tell him that he needs to do things when you ask him and if he doesnt then he wont be allowed to do some of the things he likes
They soon learn
Thanks for suggestions. I am. Signing up for triple p.
We had another argument tonight. His sister moved a toy of his, he slipprd and bumped his head and he blamed her and attacked her. I removed him to the calm down spot but he screamed and screamed at me then hit and scratched me. I sat with him holding him to stop him hitting me.
Wife came down and said i shouldnt be doing that and i was the adult. She sent me out.
I am in complete despair. I just cannot do the right thing.
Hiya,
This is similar to my four year old and my wife. In her opinion, they are "too similar" and both end up winding each other up.
For the mundane tasks, I turn things into a challenge. e.g. "I bet you can't beat me up the stairs" now a nightly race... that he always manages to win to "I bet you can't do...."
My son at least loves a bit of competition - it might not work for yours however.
It's also worth finding if he has a prime motivator. My son loves bed time stories. A simple (and not hollow) threat for him is "if you do that one more time/don't do x then you won't get a story tonight". Around bed time it helps on those odd occasions that he's being difficult.
Finally, Nannyjane mentioned charts - we did this for our son when he went through a small phase of hitting his mum. We involved him fully, getting him to think what was good behaviour and what was bad. He also thought of his own rewards, and they were all surprisingly low key things - feeding the ducks and hiring a story from the library. Finally, he was involved in colouring in the stars that we now use.
I'd fully recommend trying that if you're at your wits end - just make sure you involve him so it's something that he's brought into.
Scratt44 - sorry to hear that the situation is getting more complex.
This might sound odd / patronising - but remeber "this stage is really tough", hang in there. There are not many other periods of your life that will be this tough.
My kids are very well behaved (overall!), but in part because of years (not days or weeks) of putting boundaries in place.
Sounds as though you need to just going for boring bed-times. Charts do work well, start with only a few days worth to help them get into the idea before achieving a reward.
My wife came up with a "prize box" which always about 5 or 6 items per child in it that they get to rummage through and choose the item they want as a prize. They don't have to be expensive at all (e.g. toys from a pound store) - for some reason the combination of selection, "big box" was more important worked really well.
Oh yes
It's also worth finding if he has a prime motivator. My son loves bed time stories. A simple (and not hollow) threat for him is "if you do that one more time/don't do x then you won't get a story tonight".
Works brilliantly, but you do need carry out the threat at least once. this can be really tough when they crying because they are not getting a story. 🙁
It did back fire after a while because my middle one decided he was not that keen on stories, and I missed out more than he did in the end - so had to stop using that threat...!!!!
Strong will is good not bad. He needs to find an activity or club that allows him to lead. You need to make it clear to him that he is amazing and that he has a real talent in asserting himself. Tell him that you want to support him but at home you are boss. Set down the clear rules and instead of going soft on him like it sounds you are at the moment, you need to be slightly harder. It is very hard to give punishment to a strong willed child because they just turn it away and carry on. Because they are so highly willed they are also alot more caring. When they misbehave they understand their actions better. Because of this there is a punishment that most parents refuse, a spanking. Even though it is harsh with a strong will child like yours, in their lifetime they will only need about 5 spankings before they understand start behaving and focus on the possitive.
I hope I helped
I phoned up triple P and it's £140 for the online version. I thought I'd seen it somewhere on this forum for about £70.
I'm sure it's very good but £140 for a few videos seems ridiculous. Anyone know of any alternative (more interactive!) similar programmes?
It's available here at 129.99 or free If you live in the High Peak area of Derbyshire.
You can also choose to be sent the Triple P Workbook and DVD instead of doing the on-line course.
Your local children's centre will normally have details of local parenting courses running in your area.
Gooner
When my son has a tantrum, and starts to chuck his toys around i say to him 'I take it you want to break this toy, I'll just put it in the bin now then shall I if you just want to break it' as for getting up or going to bed times try a star chart they always seem to work. If you be good in the morning you get 2 stars... once you have 10 stars you'll get a special ice cream / or new toy. But if they dont behave cross a star off so they know it will take longer to get the toy/ice cream or whatever.
Four year old are a nightmare - they have bags of energy and they are not being worn out by full time education yet. They will also try to push every boundary that is possible.
There have been some great answers on here and in my opinion you need to get him into a routine that distracts him enough to wear him out but not enough to make him want to fight you when it comes to bedtime.
He will fight you if he goes to bed earlier than his sister and he will want and expect to do the things she is allowed to do.
Find a routine that suits both of you and then try to keep calm if he resists - you cannot give in (easier said than done) and if he is naughty then you need to stick to whatever threat you make - removal of rewards etc.
It will get better as school will wear him out but it sounds like he needs it now
Good luck
When my son has a tantrum, and starts to chuck his toys around i say to him 'I take it you want to break this toy, I'll just put it in the bin now then shall I if you just want to break it' as for getting up or going to bed times try a star chart they always seem to work. If you be good in the morning you get 2 stars... once you have 10 stars you'll get a special ice cream / or new toy. But if they dont behave cross a star off so they know it will take longer to get the toy/ice cream or whatever.
I'd disagree with part of this Joe - mainly the part about crossing a star off. I think star charts are excellent (I've used them myself when my children were younger), but I would say that if they have had a good day, then that should stand and any bad behaviour should be taken for that day only. What I did do is to say that they had to get, say 4 stars in a week (I gave one a day, not two) at first, and each week started afresh. Then when they'd got the treat for 4 stars, it went up to 5 stars the following week, and then 6 stars for a few weeks. That was normally enough to discontinue the charts after that, and I never expected 7 stars in a week (though it did start to happen) as I never expected them to be absolutely perfect. I would also not be too lenient on the first week - if they fail to get the number of stars, then they see there are consequences, and can try harder the next week.
Having said that, if it worked for you, then we simply have different opinions, and maybe Scrat can try both and see which works best for him.