[Solved] Confused by behaviour

Has the school got a pastoral care worker (not sure these days whether they have to) - if so, ask them to see your son. This is independent and confidential support for your son (they won't report back to you unless your son gives them permission) and over a few sessions, that may start to help him to open up more about the issues.

Hey, they have a play support worker who has worked with him for the past 3 weeks. They say the same, he is engaging well comments frequently that he doesn't want his mum in his life but when contact occurs it all goes fine. It's very confusing for me, my wife and the school.

Bless him, he's been going through this situation with his mum for a long time now, pushed from pillar to post, back and forth and he's still very young, too young to be expected to deal with his feelings and emotions.... in my opinion its little wonder that hes having difficulties assimilating his situation.

Try and put yourself in his shoes, he has been expressing his wishes for a long time, mostly he isn't listened to because of his age and he has been placed in distressing situations because he wasn't listened to. He must be feeling pretty helpless and his trust in those around him has been sorely tested... the actions of the very agencies that should have protected him hve been sadly lacking and quite frankly he has been failed by them.

He must be very confused and angry, who wouldn't be in his position. The authorities talk about emotional and psychological damage but sometimes do little to address it, or even acknowledge it! The last year or so has taken its toll on him and the authorities need to recognise that, very difficult for them as they have been the ones that have put him in harms way time and again, before the custody situation was settled... really they're still mismanaging it in my opinion.

I think the fact that he won't touch the gifts from her is a stark indication of how he feels about her, he's told not to reject her and he's learnt that what he wants doesnt seem to count, the only way he has any control over his situation is to reject the gifts that she buys for him, and really the only outlet for his emotions is to play up.

Of course you're going to be apprehensive, your trust in the authorities has been eroded too, they've put you and your son through unnecessary distress in my opinion, all because they'd got it wrong about how bad the mothers problems were.

You're still in a difficult situation, but try not to blame yourself, I'm sure you're doing all you can to help your son, it's the agencies that are making your task that much harder. I think the little fella needs some counselling, have you spoken to your GP? Keep in close contact with the school and try not to force discussions about the mother onto him. When he talks about killing his mum, or hurting her, this isn't literal, it's his anger talking and I think he needs to be allowed to express his anger rather than being told to suppress it.... I think a child psychologist would help him to deal with this type of thing.

When you say that he is fine once contact goes ahead, again I've seen this type of behaviour with my own grandson, when he had to go back to his mother who was mistreating him. After asking if he could stay and being told he couldnt( we had no choice... it was before my son gained custody) he would just shut down, no tantrums, no expression, he would just go quiet, walk to the car and get in, outwardly there was no sign of his distress, but inside he was in pain. This could be what's happening with your son.

As you know, I really feel for you and your family, it's beeen a long and arduous road for you all and you have been pushed beyond the limit at times, try and get some you time and take the pressure off yourself from time to time.

All the best

Hey, they have a play support worker who has worked with him for the past 3 weeks. They say the same, he is engaging well comments frequently that he doesn't want his mum in his life but when contact occurs it all goes fine. It's very confusing for me, my wife and the school.

This makes complete sense to me, he doesn't want his mum in his life because she's hurt and rejected him, but he's learnt that it doesn't matter what he wants because it's going to happen anyway. There's also a mix of emotions at play inside; love, hate, despair, helplessness... just imagine how hard it is for us to deal with all that.

When he was sent to his mum against his will, probably the best way for him to deal with it was to mask his feelings, a coping strategy if you like, that's what I think is happening here, it's self preservation in my opinion.

I'm no psychologist, this is just my opinion, but I've been with you from the start and I have a good sense of the depth of distress that has been visited upon you all, as I said before it's been a long, hard journey.

All the best

Thanks Mojo, i had a word with his teacher this morning and was quite surprised to hear from her that she thinks my son is behaving this way because he doesn't want to let me and his step mum down. I am struggling with this because last night when I asked him the same question and confirmed that it is OK to love mum, there is room in his life for both of us he responded by saying he knows this because me and his step mum have always told him we wouldn't be sad and that we are adults and can deal with that.
We have had the worst behaviour from him in the last 5 weeks since he started seeing her again. I am constantly told by CAFCASS that it is me. I am worried that this will look bad upon me especially at the next hearing. Perhaps I am a problem and my fears and worry have been passed on to him and because of this he feels torn and really doesn't want to let me down. I just dont know. My wife does a wonderful job in talking with him, reassures him that hurting people, killing people and being mean isn't a good choice and that in the future if he chose to do any of those things he would be angry with himself.

It seems everyone thinks I am harbouring contact between the 2 of them and thats really not what is happening here. I am afraid to speak up to CAFCASS because of how they analyse things.

I do think it is good that he is engaging well with Mum but truly, I think he knows he only sees her for an hour a week and currently that is the only time he sees her so he wants it to be nice. She buys him with presents and again I am OK with this. I think she is making a rod for her own back because he will come to expect it but thats not my concern and when the tantrums come because she hasn't gifted him anything it will be her that has to deal with that.

Thanks so much for your help, again.