Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
hi, first time on here just wondered if anyone had any helpful thoughts to my complicated situation!
i have a lovely daughter 2 and a half, was always great friend and close to her mum and we still are, though first 2 years were nightmarish but things improving after the obvious difficult times of first 2 years under weird circumstances.
i lived part of the time abroad as have property and work in france, but have made every effort to see my daughter very regularly (at some expense!) and my ex, her mum, has been very cooperative and we both agree that this is important and are generally cooperative, they have been many times to france, i have paid for them to go without me on hols to benefit my daughter etc..ie amicable situation
however i have had a new girlfreind for most of this time, my ex knows about it (not for first year as was too scared to upset her etc and was cowardly) anyway the new lass tolerated (just) me staying at ex's house for reasons of access- though caused me a lot of stress with nasty mesages and sometimes phoning and texting daughters mum in a fairly nasty and unhelpful way.
my new girlfreind is also lovely, and i love her, she wants kids herself and for us to be a family, i would have liked this too, so lomng as everyhting could be freindly and i could be 100pc sure that everyone could get on and that my daughter, who i am very close to and crazy about, will not be sidelined or excluded.
have tried to get new girl to move nearer and build up our work locally so as we can be in that position and i know she wont put me in a situation that i would be unable to see my daughter easily if she herself fell pregnant 4 hours away in a different town. She has said she would be up for getting a house near my daughter and work, so things can be easier- but then at the last hour takes a 5 month job in her hometown, saying we can see each other occassional weekends and that she needs the cash etc- truth is we could do well for work if she supported me and we got on well by being together, and me being happy cos she had done something for me and my daughter- if she did so i and proved her affection to my daughter, and was kind again to my ex (as would want both their blessings to have kids or marry the new lass) then she could have everyhting she says she wants- we'd have a good business, kids, etc and she would not need to worry about me staying at ex's house as she could step into a step mum role and we could have fun and do cool stuff with my little girl- who incidently has met the new one several times and thats been fine.
Now at her age, and with things becoming messy and frought again- just as i am coming out the other side with the ex as good freinds and communicative and fun again after 2 hard years- the new lass is spoiling things right when i think i am ready to move the whole thing forward with her, and just wanting her to show me that bit more maturity and faith in our relationship before full committment to her. She is rubbish at talking, and not a risk taker and is anxiuos- have offered for us to have counselling or relate etc for her to hear my side without getting emotive, or more specifically for her actually to listen, and not be so self obsessed and selfish as she so often is.
Sorry for the long ramble, i need to decide either how to get the new one to cooperate, grow up and have a great life with me, or how to knock something on the head i dont want to loose, and we would both regret loosing- to me it seems easy and obviuos and we are so close, but to her she seems to be stumbling at the last hurdle and lashing out again as she is scared and frustrated and falling into old ways and traps of her carreer, freinds and family, even hiding behind her old cats to avoid the final commitment.
Anyway be very glad of any support/help, howver critical, cheers lads
Hi and welcome 🙂
I'm afraid I cant give you any advice on your relationship problems...now if it was a problem with access to your daughter or anything child related I might be able to help!
Have you thought of trying Relate? Sometimes it takes a third party to help a couple weave their way through problems, and perhaps if you could both sit down and talk through your concerns, with the aid of a trained counsellor, you may well find the answers you seek!
Good luck with it all 🙂
Go on then i'll have a quick go at relationship advice....i seem to have an opinion on most subjects so here goes. :unsure:
If roles were reversed would you give up everything you know....all your friends...family...the known and familiar.......for the unknown life?
if you answer yes without hesitating then i would guess thats becasue you would not have considered it properly!
before i met my now ex who i've been fighting the last 3yrs for more time with my little one........i met a young lady via a dating site.....this is going back 8yrs now....we got on well....we met and fireworks went off for both of us.
the problem was distance and money. she lived over 100miles away...yes only 2,1/2-3hrs by car but it made it expensive in fuel and then going out etc... became limited.
after 4-5mths of this we still had that first feelings....and started talking about how we could spend more time with each other.....she had a job that i considered she could do anywhere....i having a decent job and good money etc... thought it would be better if she moved in with me....i could support us both until she found work etc...
we decided on a trial living together......she took 2wks of work and came to live with me......we got on so well.......but she was leaving everything she knew.......her freinds, family, job everything for someone who in real terms she hardly knew.
she decided she couldn't move here with me........i couldn't give up my good job that i'd had for ove 15yrs so we had to choose.....either go on as before which was difficult or give it up and go our separate ways.
i've never heard from her since the phone call where we ended it 8yrs ago.
could you really ask someone to leave everything they know if you're not prepared to do the same? i realised i couldn't and at that time i had no commitments only my job and family....no child at that time!
i really don't wnat that to sound confrontational....i was just trying to get you to think about her and not just what you want from her.
Hi youngjethro,
Welcome to the site. Sounds to me like the two of you really need to talk this through - if it would be easier with a third person then that is good as well. You are asking a lot of your new girlfriend and yet to be together it seems the ideal solution. Relationships are all about compromise - on both sides. Maybe by talking it through you may find another solution that the two of you haven't considered yet.
If you think relate may be of help you can find out details here
I hope this is of help to you.
Gooner
hi, first time on here just wondered if anyone had any helpful thoughts to my complicated situation!
You dont seem to give us any details about being married or engaged, so we dont know if you made any commitments.
Perhaps your girl friend does not know that you like her so much? People are not easy to weigh up :boohoo:
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.