[Solved] Been given an ultimatum

Hi,

I would say that what you've said is right and she does feel threatened, she probably also realises that if mediation is used she will lose some of her control over the situation.

It is difficult as if you do attend mediation, then it is likely to get worse before it gets any better which is often the case, as the mother will react to you attending and may stop the contact, if this happens then mediation, will hopefully be able to start that off again, but you will need to be prepared to follow this up with court action if mediation isn't successful.

I always say keep court as a last resort as if you can avoid it it's much better court is stressful, and can be quite drawn out as often there are long waits between court dates and it can feel as though your not getting anywhere, so try mediation first but keep in mind court may be needed.

The answer though is no, you shouldn't have to just settle and accept "what your given" with regards to contact, but unfortunately the reality can be quite different, and when you push for better contact or terms, you can (in the short term) lose all contact until you are able to resolve.

Not too much help I'm afraid as only you know your ex and how she may react or whether she would go through with the threats she has made. It would be easy to say..."don't accept what she says and fight her all the way" but as already said the reality of that can result in loss of contact.

What would happen if you went through with mediation, and she stopped contact, do you think that you would have an option to not continue with it so contact would start again?

One other thing, do you have proof of these conversations where she threatens to move away, or make contact difficult in emails or txt? if you do DON'T delete them and make sure you keep ALL email, txt ect sent too and from her so if you do end up in court you can show the threats made when you tried to get better contact.

If you do have proof, then it will make life easier if she did stop contact and you ended up in court as the judge wouldn't take too kindly to her threats.

GTTS

I think she would just do what she is doing now. We both keep saying we are trying to do what is best for little man. truth being I do not know. It started out all amicable then shes turned and hits me with something every other day. We make an agreement then she says shes not going through with it till she has spoken to someone. SO I, the next day, go and speak to someone. She then has a go saying its my fault because I have involved someone else. Then she says we are going to have to sort out mediation. So, in turn, next day I sort out mediation. Then that is wrong too. I just want to sort out seeing him fairly, equally between us. I am not taking him away from her I wouldn't do that. I just want equal time, But she is doing everything she can to stop that and say I can only see him when its convenient for her. So when she works. I am just struggling with everything. She has left me with all the dept (she had bad credit, So when we found out she was pregnant, I had to gt everything on credit for him). So going through an IVA and I dont get legal aid. I am a proud man but I am literally begging everybody and anybody for help. makes you feel worthless. I have to fight just so what ever happens in future I can show him that I did everything I could to be with him.
I do have all the texts I have a text saying if I dont agree I can just see him for 1 day a week. However she is clever enough that she spoke to me about the mediation choice. I just dont know what to do anymore. My funds are not limitless and besides I would rather spend the money on him. but I got to do something. I cant just let her tell me when I can see him and then change her mind. I also have a text about an arrangement we made about me having him for 2 days. 1 was agreed a long time ago and the other was she was doing an extra shift at work. So I arranged to go my family. The night before she changed her mind and said I can have him one day or the other.
I know she is messing with my mind but I am really struggling to see the light at end tunnel as such. Just need to know I am doing the right thing and something good will come out of it. But frightened I will loss even more.So so hard

Hi,

It is very hard to battle on and it sounds as though you have enough on your plate without being messed about, I would follow through with mediation and call her bluff (this is what I would do, I can't tell you what's right for your situation) By the sounds of it your doing everything the right way, so continue with that, try mediation, and if that doesn't work then court will be the next step, if you do end up in court, it needn't cost too much, When I went through court, it probably cost me a total of £350 and that included petrol and coffee Lol

You don't need a solicitor just a good enough understanding of the family law, and we can keep you on track with that, the court fees get paid up front, and that covers the court costs right up until the case is closed, you only ever pay again if you need to change the order or if things get bad again and you need to enforce the order.

Think it through, as I said earlier, the reaction from lots of mums is to stop contact altogether until the issues are dealt with, what I would say though is that if she is currently giving access whilst she works then stopping contact may make her life harder so she may not do that.

GTTS

Thank you. How come it costs so little. Only thing I find is hundreds and even thousands. I am not a quick reader. so if you know any site or info now. I better start reading. I have been told what I am actually asking for is joint residency. Is this correct? I know it is going to be hard and a battle. Shame it dosent have to be this way. I need to know the forms and stuff I need to fill out too. I have never done anything like this and prey I never have to again. Should be an enjoyable time baby years. I just want to sort it quickly

Hi,

What you are probably reading is the details of people that go through court using a solicitor, you don't need to use one in fact any good solicitor would tell you not to use one unless there are difficult legal issues that need to be addressed which it doesn't sound as though you have, it's just your ex being difficult.

If you go to the legal section on our index there is a very detailed guide put together by one of our members explaining all the forms you need and lots of very useful info, it's a sticky topic at the top of the legal section, called self representing in court (or something similar.

GTTS

Thank yo. If I had a secret angel its name would be got-the-tshirt. I know it is going to get harder but will work out in the end. just getting there.
I am not good on a computer and I cant find it. Can you give me the web address. or how do I find it. sorry

Thank yo. If I had a secret angel its name would be got-the-tshirt.

Thank you

Here's the guide to representing yourself

http://www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle/10255-guide-to-representing-yourself-in-court

Also have read of this, as it's about some ones journey to court, it covers feelings and what to expect when you go, it's their story but the facts and what happens in court will relate (as there are some similarities) to you if you end up there.

http://www.dad.info/forum/fathering-children/18882-court-proccess-from-experience

anything else you need just shout, send me a private message if it's easier and I'll answer

GTTS

Hi colin, welcome to the site and as you can see it is not a unusual experience you have here.

I would suggest once you goto mediation it is imperative you get the FM1 form signed. This will allow you to apply to the courts.

Self-repping can be highly satisfying.

Make sure whatever you do double what you ask for. So if you want two days ask for shared care etc....courts will be about compromise.

Good luck!

Where do i get that form from or do i ask mediators? Also i have spoke to several people.about how much to ask for. I just want duel residency. So how do i ask for more with out saying i want him all the time. Thank you for the web sites they are fantastic and make me feel worth while doing what i think is right. I am stuck with how much to ask for though. I try and compromise now but can see me getting shunted

Hi Colin,

I wouldn't go over the top, I would have thought that unless there were very good reasons the judge wouldn't rule on 50/50 care, as this doesn't usually benefit the child as they move about too much, that's not to say they wouldn't but for that I would have thought there would have to be no opposition from either party which from what you've said isn't the case.

There is no "normal" amount that you will get as each case is different so there is no hard and fast rule to what level to expect.

However that said it does seem quite common for every other weekend from Friday evening or Saturday morning through until Sunday evening, with some contact in between either an evening or sometimes an over night. So with that in mind, I would maybe ask for every other weekend Friday-Sunday and a few evening/nights in between.

What I would say though is don't get carried away with court before you have explored all other avenues, always keep court as your last resort, be ready and prepared for it certainly, but don't rush in before you have no choice, as it tends to make matters worse, when they may have been able to be resolved through mediation.

Also the FM1 form will come from the mediator and will just show the judge you have either been through mediation together or that you tried to engage your ex into the mediation process and she wouldn't attend.

GTTS

I am with you. I dont want to go court but feel I need to be prepared just incase.

With regards to the 50/50.
It is just she works every thurs, fri, Sat night from 9pm-6am at night. So I am thinking of 50/50 for that reason as many others.

So I would have him week 1 Thursday at 5pm-Monday 0830ish. week 2 Thursday at 5pm-Sunday am (time be arranged because she got to have some sleep unless she is going somewhere. Trying to be nice) Does this sound reasonable? Also means more important My boy isn't moving around all the time. He will be in blocks if you get me. So thinking for him it will be a routine. That at 9month old he will adapt quickly and then when he gets older will be settled in the routine. I do not think that this is unreasonble and what is best for him. He is already enrolled in the school near me when he is old enough, However. My ex mum works in a school as an assistant. Which I would like him to go to so he sees a familiar face. All I want is what is best for him.