[Solved] Arguments

Hi Mario,

You are not alone mate - I struggle with this as well. My 14 yo hormone monster is a really good kid but she is as stubborn as I am. when she is challenging the rules or me she likes to push it as far as she can, and she knows the buttons to push.

I have found this article on the site helpful http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/communicating_with_teenagers.php

I am slowly learning that at times she just needs time to stew and think about what has happened - she will normally calm down and see reason.

I guess the two hardest things to master are not to take it personally (which i find hard) and not to get angry (I am get far better at this - slowly) 🙄

It's all part of growing up, pushing the boundaries and challenging authority.

Any other sage words from other DadTalkers would be appreciated.

Gooner

Sage words...hmmm.... nope 😉

My six year old sounds like your teens. Is this how it will be until he is past his teens? 😉

His teacher says he is lovely at school and I normally reply "you should see him at home!"
This week we removed the fuse from the TV as could not get him to go to bed at his usual time of 7.30. Suddenly he decided he wanted to watch Britain's Got Talent and twice in successive nights came to bed at 10pm. Yes I dragged him to his room and yes he shouted and cried and went back downstairs. We just went to bed thinking "ok, let him get it out of his system" but the second night was just too much for us and out went the fuse. Have told him we will leave it out for upto 2 weeks.

Without TV it is amazing how much you talk to each other 😮
There are so many things to do without the TV chatting away in the corner....

I have to both agree and sympathise with goonerplum and super mario, its not easy, i have a 13 daughter who will try and get one over on me every time, i have tried ignoring her which she says is the worse thing i can do, (noted),but when i am in bed and she sneaks down stairs, i find that she has been at my home made wine, smoking,and sitting up till all house watching the television no wonder i feel like exploding after all i have given up Work,the possibility of a relationship,and it some times seems she doesnt give a [censored].
Being a single dad of one isnt as bad as a single parent of more children, but his one is really pushing my buttons, i have tried being kind and giving, taking her on shopping trips, when she came to live with me (her choice) i said i would give it a year, after her getting herself deliberately excluded from her school, i got her into the one here, she then went on what can only be described as self destructive behaviour, and it wasnt long before the letters from school started to arrive.
The social services were involved to, i found myself constantly questioning my performance as a dad, and watching every time the social worker lifted his pen to write anything down, he talked to my daughter to see if she was happy here and as far as i know she said yes,and did not want to return to her mum and sister who bullied her, i didnt quiz her when he had gone knowing that in the end if she was not happy i would except her decision.
I am in contact with my older daughter but feel that this is more difficult as my youngest 13 see this as taking me attention away from her.
She had such a bad time with her mother and was on the child protection register for neglect, the social worker apart from writing reports was not very supportive or forthcoming with any helpful advice or information, and although i had been on a course or two to try to help me understand what was going on and how to cope, i find it increasingly difficult.
She finally got herself excluded a year later from her new school and is now being assessed at a special school.
I have sort help for her and her challenging behaviour, child psychiatrist, Chams,doctors, social worker ect,recently she had refused the help of the child psychiatrist, the only other alternative is to have her put in care, her mother wont have her on holidays as previously agreed with the courts stating that she doesnt have the money to look after her even if i offer to pay her.
I can see that my youngest see's this as no-one wants her and as such constantly challenges me for attention, saying "i love you dad" every 20 minutes and expecting the answer "i love you to" strait back, i do realise she may have low self esteem but i just dont have the tools to help her.
She also has a thing about sharp objects, knives and blades,i have sat on the settee and found the carving knife under the cushion, knives going missing and her self harming.
Her behaviour is constantly challenging to the point i dread even having contact with her she sleeps all day and is up all night, and to think that this used to be the little princess i held in my arms, i am desperate now and cant wait for the social worker to come in a few days time, surely he has to do some thing else than write everything down, i need help and support with her.

Wow bigted - a tricky one. One simple question though, have you told Social Services that you feel you need help - that's their primary objective, so if you ask for it, they know that they can work with you rather than battling against you.

To the others, I can sympathise and I certainly have arguments with my 12 year old. Where I am fortunate is that when I am being unreasonable (I am stubborn sometimes), my 18 year old daughter sometimes smooths things over between us.

Thanks actd for your reply, yeah i have asked the social worker for help, all he does is sit and write things down, i have sometimes been right on the edge of saying "i can cope and she needs professional help".....but nothing is done, just simply ignored or brushed over for the sake of the child having somewhere to live, late night was a typical battle of wills again, madam not wanting to go to bed having been up all night the day previous and then sleeping all day, i got up this morning from sleeping on the settee, just to watch that she didnt disappear,she had made breakfast and then we talked about her and what she wants out of life, this soon turned into what i could expect and her performance, did i get it all wrong ?, anyway she broke a pen in to stormed off to her room only to return later to say sorry and to say that she loved me and expect the answer strait back that i love her to....how do you try to explain to a Child with behavioural problems bought on by neglect from her mother, or is she constantly sub-consciously looking for approval and affection from a mother who rejected her? is she angry at me or her mother, all this came about one year ago last October, but it was my daughter who was crying to live with me,and i answered her call by giving up work (construction), to support her.
Oh the social worker did say as i went to court and got residency i am now her main carer and as such cannot just walk away, i guess he see's me as some kind of Labrador who will sit there and let kids put pegs on his ears until they become so painful some one gets bitten.
The social worker is due in less than a week i am preparing what to say to him where i would actually get trough to him and get some kind of result, of course it is better to work with these social workers, than against them where the situation could only deteriorate. Keep you posted.

Hi bigted

I hope your meeting with your social worker goes well. Do keep us up to date.

I'm really sorry to hear what has been going on with your daughter. She certainly sounds to have been severely affected by everything that has gone on in her short life. You are doing a brilliant job in caring for her - at a difficult age and with a difficult set of circumstances. While she may be giving you the idea that how she is behaving and acting is cool and she can do what she wants, underneath there is a confused and anxious little girl who needs firm but fair boundaries until she is of an age when she can please herself.

I know you have tried so hard to get someone to listen but I suggest that you talk to Parentlineplus as they have experience in dealing with this kind of thing and would be able to help you. Call them on 0808 800 2222, http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk They are free to call. If you do get in touch with them I'd be interested to know what they suggest.

I hope this helps.