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Hi forum.
I split from my ex 1 week ago after a horrific Xmas and new years. Was served a C1A and C100 wednesday to my shock...I never thought it would come this.
We were together 3 years 3 months and were very close to the exclusion of everyone else. We had a son 11 months into the relationship. I have had anger problems in the past and sought anger management, but never as far as physical violence until 1 incident 18 months ago where I grabbed my ex by the throat as she gouged her nails into my face I am ashamed to say I fear I'm becoming my father who beat my mother and was a full blown alcoholic purely because of one incident ss I also have a long history of depression and mental instability not helped by cannabis use, I gave that up as we split, as did she.
Ex claims I was controlling which i thought was largely dramatic rubbish, having looked at some pages similar to what my ex has been reading and do actually see some triggers but not to the extent she claims, she also exhibits several of the symtoms but would never acknowledge that. Her step father was a full on control freak sociopath and she has filed me alongside him which I feel is unfair. I have done a CBT course and am currently on mood stabilizers and anti depressants. Feel OK all things considered, like s**t really but not like before with dark suicidal thoughts etc.
The relationship was tempestuous and very up and down. She would call me nutter, freak, psycho etc and I would call her names too mainly stupid, a fantasist, [censored], liar etc. It had good times too though and we were in a good place up until I quit my job a month ago due to dispute with boss. I am in vast amounts of debt, had to use wonga last month, owe a DD for £350 for my £17k loan and £800 to wonga, all due in the next 10 days. I am trying to sell my car which is worth around £10k but no ones biting despite it being priced £1k under value and had service, tax, mot etc last week.
These are all in my name, she is owed £10k in inheritance which her mother and stepfather, both estranged and who abused her for 10 years mentally and psychologicaly, me and my family have tried to help her get this as she has debts too, could do with passing test etc but she is so lazy, sticks head in sand. I never wanted any of it bar maybe paying some of the credit card off. Still don't want any of it either. I have kitted our house out with all new appliances, everything bar a dishwasher on buy now pay later, mostly clear now tbh. I don't want any of it either my son needs it all.
The last 3 weeks have been [censored], she would not even speak too me our respond to direct verbal communication I know now she did this to provoke me, I did pretty well but eventually I did bite, shouted at my son calling him a "f*****g little f**k" Xmas eve. I have raised my voice a few times before when he's been naughty but I am ashamed and now on a shame spiral causing me to self destruct and send vicious texts to her that she will use in court, although not since the C1A molestation order. These tects bounce from begging forgiveness, calling her a liar, abuse but mainly paranoia about where my boy is, all in the same day, basically trying everything for some kind, any kind of response I was hoping to lead to reconciliation or at least amicable contact arrangements.
I am terrified she will take my son 330 miles away to Lancashire, she always threatens it and I know she will attempt it inevitably. The prohibited order only states England+Wales.
I have seen a solicitor today and we are trying to get her to accept undertakings to avoid court. I am willing to agree to almost anything but want a shared residence to stop her going up north to her long lost family. Her friends are all there putting there 2p in.
My son has heard me shout, not at him but about various things, sometimes at her in the past but the last month I have been quite stressed and angry. I feel like an utter * and have low self estime anyway this is compounding it.
She claims mental abuse on my son due to the last month which I think is unfair given the previous 2 years of it never happening. She has assaulted me 5 times but obviously don't mention this despite her accusing me of violence which bar the above incident is not true but I do have a simple caution from 2011 for pushing someone(assault by beating for a shove). She has claimed the controlling thing and mind games but not claimed psychological abuse which imo shows the lies and inconsistencies in her statement.
Also we lived together 3 years but never officially on the tenancy and I left most things bar a TV warranty at my parents. I think I can prove her to be dishonest here with the warranty, bill payments on CC and photos and videos. Its not so much proving she lied on statement but that I was a present factor in my sons life on daily basis so she cannot lit contact to something short like a day or hours. I previously rented a flat 18 months ago, before CBT and pills and had him 2 nights 2 days. She is asking for grandparent supervised contact which makes me feel like a criminal tbh and is vindictive and Ott given previous arrangements. He LOVED staying with me the 2 days as did I despite being a full time head chef at the time and being exhausted(pretty much an insomniac).
Sorry for length. I just needed to let it out, please don't judge to harshly I have made many poor decisions but I love my son he is my universe and this is killing me and I have no doubt he is walking round the house shouting me and wondering where I am. It tearing me apart as I'm sure many of you know the feeling.
One of our local judges is know as a bit of a nasty git who just favours women by default and with my past and size combined with my erratic texting and nastyness at timed I think I'm *ed. I'm managing to keep it t together but I don't know how I will react if what I think is inevitable happens....plus the last 3 texts I was admitting any fault and blame desperately trying to get the ex back.
Posted this in wrong forum. Was supposed to go in behaviour. Sorry don't know what happened posting of phone. Could mods move please?
Hi Neverstoptothink,
Wow it sounds like you have had quite a couple of years. I'm really sorry to read everything you have had to deal with. Though it's great that you have got help for your depression and that it sounds like it may have stabilised a little. It's really important that you remember all the techniques you learned during CBT and try to keep using them now that you are going through a really stressful situation. They may help with the mood swings that it sounds like you are experiencing.
It sounds like a very good idea to not text your ex anymore.
Have you seen your doctor since the split ? it maybe worth popping in to discuss what has happened and maybe review the medication your on etc.
Check out our web app Splitting Up? Put Kids First. I think you will find it very useful.
It also sounds like you may be experiencing debt issues is this correct ? I can ask stepchange to pop by to offer some advice - however if you feel that you need to sort this out really quickly then you can call them directly on 0800 138 1111 (this number is free to call including all mobiles).
Keep talking.
Gooner.
I have stopped texting her, probably 50% of them are just asking where he is due to her flight risk. Stepfather tried to arrange contact this morning as it has been 5 days(she let me have him despite all her accusations since....). She has gone up north for 2 weeks. This would have planned for days, gave no notice, everyday its "tomorrow"
My solicitor has already told me to see my Dr which I will do next week. She is doing this all to spite me and be vindictive and reactionary. She only filled the order after I told her about my PR literally the next day.
I just hope the judge can see I have been there daily since birth and regardless of what me and ex have done to each other, she is using him as a weapon. I don't think that will happen however....feel broken.
Blimey!
The first thing that springs to my mind is that you don't seem to be in any denial about your part in this. Thats a good thing. It makes it easy for me to believe what you say.
It really struck me when you mentioned being worried about being like your Dad. Thats quite natural. I have spent hours inside my own head screaming at myself that I'm making all of my dads mistakes, and that I'm not the better example of a human being that I wanted to be. I'm not saying you should accept that, no, not for one minute. What I'm saying is that we ALL get angry, or have anger in us, but its how we DEAL with releasing that anger thats important. I learnt the hard way, but I got help, some anti depressants and good pshycotherapy and that really helped me to think more clearly and not be so paranoid.
You are on medication, but it is worth checking back with your doc to see if there is anything else you can do. Just remember that your Dad may have also had mental health issues, but back then it was even harder to get them recognised. The positive difference between you and your dad is YOU GOT HELP!! Remember that 🙂
As for the money thing, they can take everything, but they cant take your life, so hang in there. Sure, you are in a bad way now, so maybe try to focus on trying to sort that out. Then, when its not such a worry, try to deal with your ex and your son. I'll admit that I've not had any serious money worries, but it can get on top of people. Get another job, anything, just so you dont feel quite so down about it.
As for the rest of your issues, I think its fair to say you are near rock bottom at the moment, but people bounce back, we're a resilient bunch, and most of us on here have faced trauma and considered suicide. Dont leave that as a legacy for your son. He needs a dad, and a good one, and that person will always be you in his heart and mind. You sound like you are trying everything to keep him near, which is admirable but dont do anything that may jeapordise your son. He will ALWAYS be yours, however far away he is. Just try to rebuild slowly, job, debt, son in that sorta order!
I'm sorry if I've not fully understood your entire situation, but I wish you well, and there are always people to talk to on Dad.info. You are not on your own
Danny
I have spent the last hour phoning my bank and debtors. The only thing I have managed to do is get a £500 over draft which allows me to pay interest and extend Wonga loan and cover my 2 DD this month. Guy in customer services was great, the financial support team not so much, would not do a thing, I asked if I could suspend the payments for a month or 2 until I sell the car and they said no, would go into arrears, affect credit etc. I have never missed a payment on anything ever, no CCJs nothing, probably going to write a letter to nationwide stating my unhappyness at their refusal to help or be understanding. I have £9-10k sitting on the drive in value but I cannot access it. Obviously this is a short term solution but at least the pressure is off for a month.
I have reduced car to £9k[actual value is between £10-11k] on autotrader in an attempt to avoid webuyanycar, but as it happens she has stolen my passport and driving license counterpart which means I have no photo ID and as such cannot sell the car to webuyanycar. Im going to apply for a new driving license today, should be here hopefully in 2 weeks so at least I can sell the car before next months payment dates.
Money has not really been an issue, I was on a decent salary which I gave up at her behest for a near by job, a little less money but less hours and stress/responsibilities in the kitchen, went from Head Chef to just chef with 2 others in a small kitchen. I used credit as it was not an issue, I usually use buy now pay later and pay it the month before its due to avoid interest and its worked out fine.
As I said previous she has £10k in inheritance which her estranged mother and abusive step father have made it impossible to access due to illegally putting it under her step fathers surname not her actual registered birth surname. I dont want any of this but she has done nothing to access this money and instead expected me to build debt. I dont want anything from her but im just shocked shes being like this really. No doubt she will suddenly discover the will to actually do something, since she has done all the order stuff. She usually does sod all unless I nag her to.
My plan after selling the car is to clear my credit card which is over £4k, other credit accounts around £1k and wonger which is now basically £1k. Leaves me £2-4k to get a new car and pay the solicitor. I know i should return to work as it will work in my favour but honestly chef is such a pressurised stressful job, I have been looking to leave the trade for about a year now but im trapped, I can earn good money doing it but I despise it now, add that stress to the split and the money worries I just dont feel I can work right now.
It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of sorting yourself out. With regards to your debt, get rid of that Wonga loan first, and as soon as possible as their interest rates make loan sharks look like fluffy bunnies. Take a look at the legal eagle section to represent yourself - £2k won't lost long in solicitors fees, so there's nothing to stop you doing the bulk of the work yourself with some paid hand-holding by your solicitor.
Also, don't leave your job - the added money worries will make your situation far more stressful than you are at the moment - go and join a gym or do some other activity out of work which helps to relieve the stress, certainly until everything is sorted out.
Absolutely wonga is my priority right now. Have someone on route to view the car so fingers crossed.
As far as representing my self she has legal aid and I think she is going to be very dirty, i don't feel I have much choice but to use a family law expert, they are reasonable for fees and have a great track record and reputation with judges here. They estimate £1500 or so which my family are willing to assist me with. Frankly my son is more important. She has made up all sorts, exaggerated and embellished and straight out lied with some grains of truth. She has said I was not living with her and my son for first 2 years of her life which is a lie but I need to show that to get a shared/joint residence order or she will take him 300 miles away.
still worth looking at the self representing stickies - as I said, you can do a lot of the work yourself to keep the fees down, with your solicitor helping when you need it - that way the same amount of money will go much further. You can discuss this option with your solicitor for his opinion.
Thanks I will do. Thanks everyone for the support.
Update. Sold the car for £8.550. Grand under what I wanted but it had to go and transfer from dealer was instant. Cleared CC completely. Going to leave the BNPL stuff as I need some cash in the bank, I won't be out of work long so will clear it then.
Feeling much better now, I believe I was in shock tbh. Upset and missing them both(soft idiot) very much, got a CAFCASS letter today and I am scarred about that given the allegations being made.
False allegations are not uncommon - just remain calm an cooperative, and put your side, without slinging mud at your ex (though dispute the allegations)- your concern is for the children, and you need to make cafcass aware of that.
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