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been separated for 5 years, divorced for 4, got 3 kids daughter who lives with me and 2 sons who are with their mother....i see my sons every second weekend and 2 nights every week after school.
my ex had an affair, wiped out my business bank account and made me bankrupt was bit of a shock at the time to say the least.
i have always made a point of not disclosing details of their mothers betrayal to the kits regardless of how ive felt, life is hard enough without making things harder.
she is now married to the guy she had affair with but problems have arisen since the wedding, Unfortunately for my kids, her new husband announces in his speech that they had been together for 7 years....my boys are 12 & 15...pretty good at maths so you can understand their confusion regarding dates etc.
problem i have now is my 2 boys have totally went off the rails, have no discipline at school or home, full of rage and anger that is targeted at everyone who is close to them or cares about them....im struggling big time to make sense of the situation, they are usually reasonably well behaved children but at the moment there is no getting through to them, praise or punishment dont work....the 'i dont care' attitude has kicked in with both of them.
im totally at my wits end.....has anyone experienced anything similar?....any tips or advice is greatly appreciated....ive run out of options, 🙁
Hi Gordy,
Sorry to hear about the issues you are experiencing. It must be very frustrating.
When did this behaviour start? How long ago was you ex's wedding? Was this a complete change in their behaviour overnight or has it been a gradual change ?
Keep talking
Gooner
behaviour has just dropped off a cliff, the 2 boys challenged their mum about when she met her new husband (due to information from the wedding),,,of which her responce was a lie....boys are obviously confused and angry...to be honest, ex has never been honest with me even though i have evidence to how long the afair was going on....makes no odds to me now...but does make certain things difficult as you know shes doesnt tell the truth.
i really dont want to to into the nuts and bolts of my marraige breakdown with my kids...stuff they dont need to know.
ex got remarried in October, boys behaviour had went down hill slowly since then but they had a huge fight last week and now they are just rebelling against everything, no respect for their mum...would be so easy for me to drop her in it by giving the boys all the information they want....but i dont think it will help anyone...5 years down the line...waters were beginning to settle and now feel like we are back in middle of a storm with no life raft.....and no rescue on the horizon.
have you had a word with their school? It might be worth seeing if they are prepared to talk to the school pastoral officer.
Hi Gordy,
Thanks for the additional info. So they are having discipline issues at school & with your ex - are they misbehaving when they're with you?
I agree that this sounds like it is a reaction to the wedding revelation.
Have you tried talking to them about how they are feeling? I know, boys chatting about how they're feeling - I bet they would rather do triple maths. Maybe taking them out to do something different ( go karting, bowling or a cool museum or something) and finding a convienent time to broach the subject (maybe over a burger for lunch or something) . Start with something like "you guys seem to have something on your mind at the moment" or "I've noticed you have seemed a little grumpy recently would you like share with me what's up?". Give them a chance to open up and tell you what's going on...... Just let them talk (if they want to) and really listen to them. You don't have to tell them what went on between and your ex. Just let them know that you understand how they are feeling, you love them and ask if you can do anything to help them deal with what they are feeling. They may want to talk to you but are worried about upsetting you, kids often want to shield their parents from hurt as much as we do for them.
It is also worth talking to the school like actd has suggested. They will be able to offer you some support as well.
Parents separation is a lot for kids to process. They must have thought they had got their heads around it all and then suddenly something has happened to upend everything they have come to believe. No wonder they aren't dealing with it in a healthy way.
They must feel let down and as if they have been lied to by the people they trust the most.
Keep talking.
Gooner.
Thanks actd & goonerplum, I've been in touch with the school already regarding their behaviour they have been a great support....had a talk with both of them last night...Most anger is directed at hating their mum...Hopefully they calm down in a day or two....fortunately they are staying with me for a few days ..see how it goes.
Maybe take them away sledging at weekend....Some quiet time
It's great that you have already had a chat - I'm not surprised that they feel anger towards their mum.
It's good that they are with you for the next few days. Sledging sounds like a great idea. Just have some dad and kids time. Give them time to process everything.
You may find they want to talk some more at some point - let them get as much off their chest as they want to.
As you said earlier, stick clear of the nuts and bolts of what happened and don't apportion any blame, just let them vent. If they feel that you've let the past stay in the past then they may find it easier to, if not forgive then forget. They will be looking at how you deal with stuff to model how they will react and deal with things.
Good luck and let us know how it's all going.
Gooner
well....weekend trip didnt happen, got home from work, got everything loaded up we needed to hit the highlands then discovered my youngest had bunked off school so fun trip cancelled....oldest son seems to have got it and has calmed down, youngest just seems [censored] bend to distruction.
had a meeting at school this morning regarding the truancy, i have suggested ADHD as a possible reason...he has behaved like this for a few years but never anywhere as bad as this....just cant seem to get any reasonable answers from him regarding his behaviour.
keep you guys posted.....
this is such a good outlet...thanks
G.
well....weekend trip didnt happen, got home from work, got everything loaded up we needed to hit the highlands then discovered my youngest had bunked off school so fun trip cancelled....oldest son seems to have got it and has calmed down, youngest just seems [censored] bend to distruction./quote]
🙁
Have you thought of maybe incentivising good behaviour. At 12 he is old enough for you to explain that his misbehaviour is not on but you would like to work with him towards improving it. Set some short term & longer term goals and agree on some rewards for reaching them.
It is always easier to punish bad behaviour but postive rewarding of good behaviour can be more effective in the long run.
It's great that your eldest has calmed down - could you enlist him as an ally in trying to help his brother?
Glad you are enjoying talking with us.
Hope we are helping (even if it is only a place to vent).
Gooner
Well, I just hope it gets better regarding your son. Being always there for them is the best thing that you could offer them.
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