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Hello dads
I'm new to this forum I hope someone can help me with some advice or direction.
My ex wife has now seen it as a quest to deny me access to my children even though I have a contact order in place.
I'm supposed to see my children every other weekend which she has now breeched for the 2nd consecutive time. She claims my children don't want to see me and not to visit or try and contact my children. I am at the firm belief that she is filling the children's heads with bad things and now the children say they fear me!!!
I have strong rules and discipline and respect for my children but these apparently are not good values to have.
I do use a 1-2-3 rule for my 6 yr old son who does need to be very structured and consistent with which means if he gets to the 3 count the consequence is a smack on the bottom , I don't usually get to 3 as my son knows the smack on the bottom will be done. This is one of the consistent disciplines that is a fair technique to show my some he has control of a situation until his complete defiance will not be allowed.
My daughter is 10yrs old and does not need any such enforcement of structured discipline as she is a well behaved girl anywhere.
But their mother tells me that they are scared of me and that they have chosen not to see me. What do I do . It seems to be to teach your children you must negotiate and bargain with a child that is purely being defiant to reward them with something they want just so the outside world looking in can say that a child getting a smack on the bottom is not an effective method of teaching a child respect and a final consequence for their actions. These are grounds for not allowing me access to my children. Is she justified in her actions considering I don't have the defiant behaviour she gets from our son. Your opinion would be appreciated.
Whether your methods are right or wrong, as long as they are legal shouldn't be an issue, but it might be something you could negotiate with your ex, because ultimately she is making contact difficult, and that is far more harmful. Ultimately, she shouldn't be withholding contact, and you will probably have to go back to court for enforcement.
Hi Gareth,
When two parents have such different parenting styles there is bound to be conflict.
Respect for your children is a good thing, however I don't think that translates into corporal punishment. Smacking is becoming less and less acceptable today...I tend to agree that it has no place in modern parenting, just my opinion. Discipline is still entirely possible without using physical force....negotiation and reward are much better tools, and more effective in my view.
Picture this, a giant, maybe four times your height, using physical force against you and inflicting pain...how would you feel? Scared and overwhelmed? Your 6 year old son will feel scared and humiliated, and his big sister will feel hurt and helpless and unable to protect him.
I used to smack my children, they are adults now and I feel ashamed that I thought it was ok....I would never smack my grandchildren, they don't get smacked but they are no less well behaved than their parents were.
Perhaps you might find mediation helpful, it would open up a dialogue with your ex and perhaps some new boundaries can be laid down. There's nothing wrong with changing the way we do things and adapting our behaviour, as adults we continue to learn and grow.
I agree with the no smacking thing. You should let it go and tell her that you will. It's easy for her to poison your kids minds.
"You don't want to see your dad, he will smack you if you do anything wrong"
No kid wants to be smacked and I personally Believe (after working in children's social care) that's there is much better methods. Smacking kids only teaches them that violence is ok when people make mistakes.
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