[Solved] 9 year old, temper & bad language

Here's the picture - My 9 year old son lives with his mum and comes to stay with me and my partner, I have always picked him up at every point I was meant to since we split when he was two. My ex, my sons mum has a real problem with my partner now of nearly six years, I can't leave my son with her at any point which he wants to at points to stay with the other kids we have step kids and my sons, my boys brothers.

Why haven't you been able to leave your son with your partner? If this has been the case for sometime then I think this could be the source of your problem...by keeping them apart you are reaffirming your ex's attitudes.

Here's the problem - My son blames my partner for every little problem (seems to be his mums problem with my partner coming out) he has taken to swearing and throwing things around the room now when he can't get his own way, he is an only child at his mums and is spoiled when he is there.

He is testing you and when he is naughty he needs to be disciplined for it... The best way is time out and loss of privileges. Try to avoid shouting and always explain calmly why he is being punished and what you expect from him in the future.

I don't know what to do. Help!

You could try a star chart for best behaviour, Involve your partner in this. Together you can make the chart, make it fun and explain that every time he is a good boy he can stick a star on his chart, set goals, for instance every ten stars and he gets a reward. Write different treats on pieces of paper, you can do this together and they don't have to cost a lot....things like a trip to the park, a picnic, watching a movie of his choice...fold and put them in a jar, then every tenth star he can pull out a piece of paper and will be rewarded with what is written.

I think,you should start to involve your partner with him, do things as a family and with the star chart he should start to get the message that its good to be good....if your partner has a hand in rewarding him too he should start to understand that she is important to you and the rest of his family and to him too.

Good luck

Hello lovingDAD, is your son interested in taking part in some kind of sport? I was wondering if this would channel his energy into something constructive and also release some of the aggression in him.

If you can do something as a family which he enjoys, e.g. ten pin bowling, cricket, swimming, football etc and him be a "team player" he could eventually, recognize and accept he is a loved and valued member of the family. It's bringing him into the family and mixing with your partner via sport.

If you choose a sport or physical game which he excels at, it could make him feel good before you start the game. Whatever game is played there must be strict rules to the game for everyone, then he will not feel singled out if he breaks a rule and he can't blame anyone. Whatever game you play, you and your partner can secretly "construct" a foul so that he can see either of you take the punishment for the foul in good heart. Have two teams, one team you and your partner, the other team the children. He will then be with his siblings trying to win over you and your partner. You could orchestrate it so that they win.

To end with, after the game, have ready some favourite food and drinks, sit,talk and LAUGH. Let your partner serve the food to the children especially your son.

If it works you'll be setting a good example of working together, how to be a good loser and winner, how to stick to rules and how to accept punishment if the rules are broken all without isolating one person from the others. After the game is over there is good food and drinks to be had, a lot of talking and laughter.

Might be worth a try.