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Hey guys,
I have a 3 year old girl, Mollie. she's just turned 3 and she's bright as anything but her behaviour is a little inconsistant between being with her mum and being with me. This manifests itself when i drop her off after spending time with her (she lives 200 miles away and i can only AFFORD to go see her once a month in which time she comes here for about a week depending on what time off i can get from work).
she's "perfect" when she's with her and I consider her to be a well behaved child when she's here. She has, over the last week, told me that her nanna bought her a dummy which she didn't amongst other things which i sat her down and told her that it's not nice to say things if they're not happening.
Now, when she goes home i am being told that she is shouting, being "hyper" and generally misbehaving for days on end (oddly enough this starts when i'm not there) despite me dropping her off and her being fine!
The main reason i'm concerned is that my ex doesn't tell me right away, she doesn't communicate so how can i make sure i'm doing the right thing? what if she picks things up when she's here that i don't see? (i'm not a tempered person).
Is there anyone else who has had this sort of issue? Is it totally normal? My ex doesn't seem to want to know unless it's MY fault, i'd just like to be re-assured that this could just be down to missing me or changing environments / testing waters.
I'm currently seeking a court order because every time this happens she threatens to restrict access to nothing! despite me trying logically, sympathetically and realistically to UNDERSTAND what's going on.
Thanks,
Rik.
Sounds to me like she's upset because you have gone away, she is feeling a bit needy and so she wants some attention from her mum. At that age any attention will do, one way to guarantee attention is to be naughty.
This is normal - don't worry about it.
Thanks dude, that's reassuring.
I just wish my Ex could see it that way. I have been informed that i'm a "bad influence" on my daughter because of how she behaves when she comes home, she feels like all her hard work goes to waste after my Daughter spends time with me.
I have tried to prove to her that it's not something i have encouraged and i'm worried because i'm being told that she's saying things to my Ex that i've never heard her say or said to her / around her.
We have been through this every month since she moved away (200 miles). When i had my daughter every weekend we never had this problem, but now she seems to think that i'm a bad influence on my own daughter! the last thing anyone wants is for their kids to be unhappy or to be negatively influenced, especially seperated parents who can't get on properly.
I don't know how i can prove to her that this behaviour is as shocking to me as it is to her.
Maybe if you and your ex could go out somewhere together with your daughter, she will hopefully see that she is fine with both of you?..
I agree with what Goonerplum has stated.
We did something like that last week, it's when I'm not around that she starts acting up.
as soon as i've gone through court she won't be able to behave this way towards me as i would like to stipulate that we communicate about mollie regularly.
It's purely when i'm not around, i'll suggest that i go and stay up there with them, seems like a good idea to both go somewhere for the day together! thanks, dude.
Hi Rik
It does sound as if this behaviour is a reaction to the changes which she has undergone - the separation and her having to see you less regularly, the distance involved etc - none of which have beenof her choosing. All of these are very stressful events for everybody involved.
When parents separate it is natural for children to be upset and this will often lead to disturbed behaviour. She may be acting out her anger because something she valued highly - her secure family unit - has been taken away from her. She may be frustrated and confused and lash out at those closest to her, even if it is really circumstances rather than individuals that she is angry about.
It sounds as if you are doing all the right things though, so don't beat yourself up. Keeping the contact going, perhaps with a few phone calls in between or even the odd card etc will keep the lines of communication going.
You may find it reassuring to talk it all through with Parentline who are well versed in dealing with situations like this. You can call them for free on 0808 800 2222 or http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk
I hope this helps.