[Solved] What do you say to your kids?

hi,

I am in similar situation to you. 7 year old is always asking to spend more time. their mum does blame shifting. when child asked mum if she can spend more time with me, her mum said "that's for daddy to decide." so when i asked mum for extra time, she point blank refuses lol. other times she tells child "i don't know".

from now on I am not going to beat around the bush. when my child bugs me about this again, I will just tell her mummy doesn't allow it. what do you guys think?? is that a bad move? I don't want to be like their mum who tells kids fairy tales and bends the truth.

Hi Ferfer, I think it is commendable that you don't speak negatively about your girls mum. This is setting them a good example about how to be in difficult situations, especially if you're having a bad day with it all. I think you can be honest with them and just keep saying to them that until you have had more discussion with people that can help you, you just have to enjoy the time you have together and focus on making the next visit as memorable as you can. Keep being reassuring, tell them that you love them and that you are doing the very best you can to work out a situation that will work for both you and their mum. Wishing you all the best, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

Hi - I can really empathize with you on this one. I remember my son when he was 3 once asking me why I didn't want to see him. At the time I was only 'allowed' by his mother to see him for one day weekly, and I knew his question was about why there was such a long gap between the times we spent together, which we both found difficult. I remember having to repress the urge to tell him to ask his mother, but I had to distract him as I was unable at that time to think of another honest answer that was free of bitterness towards a situation I felt powerless to change without resorting to the 'nuclear' option (Court).

He often used delaying tactics when it was time to go to his mum's (usually looking for a toy or book at the last minute, or 'needing the loo', and on some occasions asking outright if he could stay longer) - I found it heart-wrenching dealing with this, knowing that an eternity of almost a week stretched ahead when I'd have no contact whatsoever with him. Ultimately, the matter was resolved in court - as his mother made it increasingly clear she viewed the 'once weekly contact' to be 'generous - more than most separated dads get' and she saw no reason to change this - there really wasn't any other option but to acquire a Child Arrangements Order which trebled the amount of time my son and I spend together.

It's good you have a Final Hearing coming up soon. You are wise to resist the temptation to badmouth or blame the mother, as this is not beneficial to your daughters. In my personal opinion, I don't think there's anything wrong in telling your daughters that of course you want to see them more, and that you and their mum will be meeting soon (which you will be - in court) to work out a better/fairer share of their time, which sounds pretty much what you have been doing.

I remain appalled at the cruelty / insensitivity of mothers who - in the absence of any genuine safeguarding concerns -think it perfectly reasonable to separate children from their fathers to satisfy their own pettiness.

Good luck next month. The 'standard' arrangement is usually every other weekend, a midweek overnight stay during term time, and up to half the school holidays if your work situation permits. For the alternate weekends - if possible - go for the Friday school pick-up to the Monday morning drop-off, if you want to reduce the number of occasions you have to meet your ex for handovers.

Thanks all, It is really hard. Like Bill said, you feel you want to tell them that it is the mums fault, but I dont want them going back telling her i said that and to rock the boat so to speak. When they are much older, I will not hold back, I will keep every record of this mess and show them what she did. my ex has a son from a previous relationship, and she would always bad mouth him and say he did not try. He now lived in Australia, married with two kids too. So i do worry what she tells them about me.

Her solicitor did put forward a proposal of contact, but it was ridiculous, I should be having them overnights by now based on the original order, but she is now saying it will be November 2021 until that happens. So I refused that and put my own suggestions forward, but they do not agree. I have even suggested over nights start in January, which is 4 months later than it should be. I just hope the court actually listen to me and see how unreasonable she is being. There are zero concerns about the kids from cafcass and they have even said her suggestions are unreasonable.

I don't understand how a mother can do this to their own children, she sees how happy they are to be with me and hears them telling me they miss me but it seems as long as I am unhappy, that is all she cares about. Next month, she will be asked some awkward questions which will expose her for who she is and I really hope they dish out some sort of punishment for breaching the order too, even if it is unpaid work.

I’ve shielded my child for 5 years since Court the first and second times, I’ve kept everything away from her and always told white lies just not to go into too much detail about the hassle I’ve had with her mum.

Literally the morning before my girl was taken out my arms and returned to her mum 5 months ago my girl and I were chatting over breakfast, my girl (6) said “daddy what was I like when I was a baby’

I just couldn’t come out with the usual cover story and told her straight and told her the absolute truth.
I explained how I had always fought for her and I missed out on all the time she was a baby and first met her when she was one.

I kept thinking after every sentence wether I should be telling her but I simply couldn’t tell white lies no more.

I sat for 10 mins and told her the full story and when I concluded she said “but daddy it was all worth it to see me wasn’t it daddy” with that I knew she was cool and I think she respected me for being honest bless her.

Looking back I’m glad I told her as she’s not seen me since and I think she knows I’m still here fighting for her.