[Solved] Trouble resuming normal contact

We've tried this one tonight. She's having none of it!! Says it's only for single people, and to stop harassing her!

Bill, I would say that decision is an error in law, which would be grounds for an appeal.

it was cafcass recommendations in the s7 report - that contact resumes once pandemic is over and schools re-open. and judges blindly follow the recommendation.

that head of family court mcfarlane said one parent can decide to vary the order if they believe child is at risk from covid. he also said kids should continue to move between 2 homes, as long as both homes are healthy. so my ex said both our homes are not healthy, as we have elderly/vulnerable mothers.

i think i need to slip into a coma for couple more weeks...:zzz: :zzz: :pinch: :pinch:

Yes, I heard about the support bubble. Technically, we should have our regular contact with our children as usual anyway, as children are permitted to go between their parent's houses. But yeah, the support bubble adds more weight to our case, for sure.

I emailed my ex to accept her proposal to cycle over to me with our daughter, who would then stay a couple of nights. This is on the provision that the weather isn't too bad, otherwise I have agreed to be flexible if contact gets delayed for a day or so because of bad weather, and similarly that if the weather is too bad for my ex to cycle over to collect my daughter, I may have her for an extra night or two (which, of course, is completely fine by me). I felt that between doing that and going to court right now, that was the better option. If things don't go to plan of course, I will have to take the legal route.

However, having accepted my ex's alternative proposal, she has now sent me a message to say that she will only be doing this if I promise her that if my daughter needs to stay an extra night with me, I will allow face-time contact between them. This may all sound well-meaning but (and it wouldn't surprise me if you lot were no strangers to this either), when I have allowed just a phone call between my ex and my daughter in the past (which I had since stopped), it has always ended with my daughter in tears. My daughter struggles with leaving her mum (her mum makes her believe that neither of them can live without each other, it's awful). Once we are back at mine, she's okay. However, for whatever reason, if her mum then suddenly pops up during our contact and then disappears again, it really confuses and upsets our daughter who is only 7. There is also the fact then when on the phone, my ex makes our daughter feel sorry for herself, and talks in this soppy way to her as if my daughter can't stand being with me and away from her mum - she really gets in her head. The other thing she does is refuse to finish the call. She will stay on the line. Even when I have tried to step in because it's been getting out of hand, or it's been time for our daughter to have her dinner, she will refuse to get off the line and create conflict. The last time she started shouting at our daughter 'NO. YOU STAY ON THE PHONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE'. Anyway, inevitably it really upsets my daughter who then gets confused as to who she should listen to and I end up looking like the bad guy.

So, now I am in limbo. I was hoping to see my daughter this week, but it won't happen until I agree on this face time thing. And if I don't, I can't see my daughter at all.

Also, someone was asking if I drove - unfortunately, due to my health, I am unable to drive, otherwise that would solve everything.

hi,

i would suggest you agree to her controlling nonsense in the meantime. she can have her video call in the evening. if she tries to drag it out, you can just say child needs to get ready for bed and end the call. seems like some clear boundaries need to be set.

this is better than no contact at all, where you could wait till september. or applying to court where you might get a hearing that could be 2-3 months away.

So, I agreed to the video call should our daughter have to stay with me an extra night, but I laid down some ground rules, and asked her to respect that it is mine and our daughter's time together, and that wouldn't be tolerating a repeat performance of what had happened in the past. She didn't like me standing my ground, she never does, and she tried to wrestle her way out of it, but I stayed firm. She ended up calling me a control freak, and telling me that our daughter was starting to realise it too. It's a load of nonsense of course, trying to make me feel bad, and essentially just deflect her own issues on to me, as usual. I'm used to it and pay no attention.

Anyway, my daughter is with me now until Saturday afternoon. Fingers crossed my ex keeps her end of the deal and contact continues down the line.

Bill, I missed your message about Cafcass taking your ex's side and recommending that your child stays with her and doesn't see you. Cafcass are soooo dirty. I am sure you have heard it said before...they are only interested in doing as little work as they can get away with. Unfortunately, leaving your child solely with your ex right now, requires the least amount of paperwork for them. It's not right at all, and Cafcass' approach to family law really needs a review and updating (which is a polite way of saying 'a kick up the [censored] and sorted it out'), as fathers are continually treated so unfairly by them. They don't care though. They are only interested in ticking you their checklist and moving on to the next case, getting paid, going home, and then somehow, miraculously, sleeping at night.

Hi semifinalist87,

I know it's painful having to 'agree' to their terms but I think it's great your daughter is with you. And personally I feel as though it is better than going to court right now. You still have the proof of the awkwardness and ultimatums your ex is doing for future reference in case you do go back to court but I'm glad to hear for the time being it's working out.

We also experienced the phone call situation you are referring to. At first we had to provide the mother a call every evening to say goodnight which I think is ridiculous. And she would refuse contact unless we agreed to ring just before bed. Once we passed this stage, the mother started saying (similar things to what you refer to) such as I miss you, do you miss me? if you miss me you can come home right now, just tell dad, because now you're gone I'm sad and I'm crying because you're with dad etc
This really affected their child as she would say oh no dad I must go home mummy's upset because I'm not there but after 5-10 minutes the child would be absolutely fine again.

My partner started to hang up the moment his ex tried saying anything like that as it seriously impacted the child. After quite some time, the mother no longer says this, instead she questions everything the child has been doing and why etc.

It's such a difficult thing to manage.

I personally think it's fine for the mothers to express their feelings like stating they miss the child but they must encourage the child's time with the father i.e 'I miss you but I'm sure you're having a great time with dad and I'll see you when you're back'

Anyway, hopefully all goes well including any video calls!

Enjoy your time with your daughter

Everything went off without a hitch and my daughter was really happy to be staying with me again which felt really good.

She stayed for the two nights as usual, so there was no need for a video call, thankfully.

This Sunday is Father's Day, which means my daughter should be staying for a third night and going back on Sunday afternoon. Technically, we haven't agreed to a video call on Saturday evening in this instance, but I imagine my ex will now be expecting it.

That's if I get to have my daughter on Father's Day as I should by court order. I have missed several Father's Days in the past. We will see, I guess.

Honestly, Ldad, it amazes me that there is just one mother out there who manipulates and guilt-trips their child to miss and worry about them like that, let alone two, and no doubt countless more. It's actually emotional abuse, in my opinion, to make a child feel bad intentionally for their own gain. My ex has even told my daughter that she cries when she's not there. So my daughter now just worries in general when she is with me that her mum can't survive without her. Not to mention that she worries about all the fighting between her mum and mum's partner when she is not there, and what may or may not happen as a result. It's too much. Like you said, it's a really tricky thing to manage. Especially when you are trying your best not speak ill of anyone. It's finding a way to let your child know that they don't need to worry about their mum without telling them their mum's not mentally stable and is actually hurting you...

yes its horrible. when my eldest child came over for her first ever overnight with me, she was in tears and she was saying "i only want to stay for 1 hour". some low life family member putting words into her mouth. someone was due for some serious ear twisting that day. police trouble is last thing i need.