Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have been engaged for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. We are due to get married in November 2020.
Over the last few years intimacy has reduced, initially due to having a new born, but it has never recovered. I accepted that that must be what life with children is like,
, and then I’m recent months, more so since we were put on lockdown due COVID-19 I have begun to question our relationship as I long for more intimacy (not just [censored], but some show of affection hugs/kiss when returning from work etc.) as she has been very cold for some time now.
We were out walking on Sunday and she asked me if o still wanted to get married. Without thinking I responded ”I don’t know” as I don’t feel you love me anymore.
I still love her, and our family But I’m just concerned about entering marriage if the love isn’t there. I still want to marry her.
I wish I hadn’t responded how I did. And had raised my feelings in another way.
Her immediate reaction was of course I do, we need to work on getting [censored] back in to the relationship.... however since then she has asked lots of questions and suggested that when the COVID lockdown is over that we trial a separation.
I really want to turn this round and right things and want to use the next few weeks to start to repair the damage that I have done.
You both need to try relationship counselling - I'd check Relate's website and see what they can offer while in lockdown. In a way, the lockdown might help as you are being forced to stay together, so you can't go for the "easy" option of a trial separation.
Hi
It’s sounds like you are both very aware the intimacy has gone within the relationship as you have both made reference to it.
I’m sure you still love one another as a lot changes when you become a parent and lockdown is very straining on any relationship. So intimacy may dissipate as responsibilities change within your life you may be more tired or busy or have a lot on your mind. This is why remembering to communicate is key.
Why not set aside some time to start ‘dating’ again. For example in lockdown have a ‘date night’ when your 3yo is asleep and sit at a table and eat together and simply talk like the 2 people you are and not essentially like ‘mum and dad’.
It’s easy to be in parent roles so much with each other and from my own experience it’s important you remember yourselves within the relationship.
Maybe look into some counselling but whilst the world is in uncertain times use the time to communicate and get to know each-other again.
Hope it helps just an idea!
Thank you for your reply, I have been in contact with my private medical (funded by work) regarding my current state of mind and situation. They have allocated a councillor for me to speak with on the phone for support during lock down and suggested that the should be able to fund a course of couples counciling for us both.
I hoped lockdown would be a helpful time to work on resolving these issues, however since the initial discussion she has become more distant, and striving for independence more and more. She had been using my car to go to work as hers needs repair but local garage isn’t open, on Tuesday night she announced that she didn’t need my car and would take hers despite the repairs required, also Declining help with cooking etc, and advising she’s more than capable.
Part of me wonders if the question on Sunday was a leading question be cause maybe she had doubts before me raising my concerns.
I have proposed couples counciling to her on text as she avoided any conversation last night... yet to receive a reply - fingers crossed
Hi
I’m glad you have support regarding your state of mind through your company’s scheme that’s good to know you are using it.
It sounds so difficult for you to communicate with her, have you mentioned the wedding since?
It’s like the elephant in the room situation and I sympathise, keep trying to open up the communication channels you are fully aware of what needs to be said keep trying and push it more if you must as it needs addressing and treading on eggshells isn’t going to make either of you happy.
Please let me know what happens and if I can help further.
I hope you can break down some walls soon and talk things through
Hi, i have found either the marriage preparation course or the marriage course which you will find on HTB.org very useful. It is a great opportunity at the moment with the lockdown, as you can do these two 7 week courses online. It helped us focus on our relationship and have the ‘dating time’ each week as a priority. Please do try it.
Hello, I would also recommend looking up the family charity Care For The Family, as they have great resources for relationships. I hope things work out for you both.
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.