Son doesnt want to visit

Hi there

Its gotta be a tough situation. 

Some of my thoughts are:

What's going on in his life away from you? Is all ok at home? At school? Personal relationships with mother, school friends, girls etc? At that age their own lives are developing and they have competing desires, requests, needs, activities and so try to weigh up which will be most fun, or enjoyable or beneficial to them, kids at that age can be selfish, but it's a phase they go through as trying to develop their personalities and seeing what their own friends are doing and have in their lives..

Does he get on with siblings at yours?

Do you spend any time with him on his own just the two of you?

When he comes over does he get a say in the activities of the weekend? Or are they just decided for him in advance of his arrival?

Have you spoken to him 1 on 1 about things?

Have you spoken to your ex about things?

He is at the developing, teenage, puberty age and if you (or your partner) shun him rather than support him for fear of upsetting the apple cart then it may impact your relationship longer term. 

If this was one of the children living with you acting like this (which they may do eg being moody, not participating, not engaging, being disruptive) what would your partner suggest? Would she be more supportive? 

Just some of my thoughts.. Children at this age can be challenging and it's something as parents we have to persevere.

All the best. 

hi,

does your son have any issue being around your partner? if so, then maybe you could keep a slight distance and do just a father son activity, and involve kids. I think you should tell him, yes we will do something fun. encourage him to come that way. and if you do, then doesn't have to be something expensive.

Posted by: @bill337

hi,

does your son have any issue being around your partner? if so, then maybe you could keep a slight distance and do just a father son activity, and involve kids. I think you should tell him, yes we will do something fun. encourage him to come that way. and if you do, then doesn't have to be something expensive.

Exactly, seems like the son is uncomfortable around his partner and that is totally normal.

Hi Lightning,

I support much of what DaddyUp says in their post, especially when talking about spending some 1-1 time with your teenage son. I understand that you have quite a large family, but are you able to set aside some specific time over a weekend just for him? This way he knows that he has you all to himself and you may well find that during your time together he may open up about why he is so reticent sometimes about coming over to see you all. Let him choose what you both will do (within financial reason of course - you are the parent) If you do this before his next planned visit, then this will give him something to look forward to, and to aim for. Like DaddyUp says, aged 14 is and can be a difficult time for teenagers, especially boys, as they are finding their identity, forming friendships and as for the hormones - they can be all over the place ! 

I can understand why your partner is getting frustrated, because your 6 year old looks forward to seeing her big brother, and when he doesn't come, she is very disappointed, thus leaving yourself and your partner to pick up the pieces of your daughters emotions. Perhaps in your 1-1 time you could talk to your son about this and ask him to make even 20 mins of play time with his sister when he is at yours, just to make her feel valued and thought about. 

Fegans (you can search on line) has some great advice on learning to live alongside your teenager, as does another charity called Care For the Family. Lots of helpful tips and advice.

Wish you and your family well,

Kind Regards,

Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

any updates? how is it going with the son?