[Solved] My kid keeps changing/cancelling contact

hi,

how old are your kids? as one is a teenager, they are pretty much free to decide if they want to visit parents or not. it would help if their mother encourages contact.

if it went back to court, they will take the teens views/wishes into account. if he tells them he wants to see less of you, then there's nothing really they can do about that.

He’s 13. He keeps changing times and expects me to fit in with what he wants (regardless of how ridiculous it is).

For example, a few weeks ago, I made a 2 hour journey just to see him for half an hour.

His mother will not encourage contact.

As much as I want to see him, it’s Just not practical to simply change/drop everything at the drop of a hat to see him.

The point is that his mum should be contacting me, but she doesn’t. She simply leaves it to him to dictate.

Hi,

Sorry to hear about the challenges you are having. I don't have the same issue yet but potentially could in the future as my eldest get there.

Have you tried to talk to him about things when you do see him to get a better understanding? Does he understand the impact?

What are you doing when you are with him that he is choosing to stay at home instead? (or do you think it is the ex who is influencing him?). Is there anything he wants to do and would look forward to doing and therefore less likely to cancel on you?

As others have said at 13 the courts will see it as his choice/decision regardless of whether your ex encourages contact or not.

Do you do video calls with him during the week which would help build a relationship and a bond?

My eldest likes to play fornight and has a dual screen set up and places his tablet behind him so I can watch him playing and he talks me through things which whilst i'm not keen on him playing Fortnight, in my situation I can't complain if it means I am sharing an activity with him (my ex lets him so I dont want to cause any issues). Sometimes we can be doing this for a couple of hours and tbh it is actually quite good fun as he gets me involved in the game too. (he has also suggested that I get a console so I can play online multiplayer with him however until I have a CAO i dont want to rock the boat).

Also I imagine that going into teenage years emotions can be up and down plus their priorities are different...

You gotta stay positive...

You need to be a bit harder on your son. if you drive for 2 hours then you should regardless of how hes been take the 2 hour drive back to your home with son in car. then he is likely to settle down as his mum isnt around and then you can decide then what you can do together etc. as for court due to the fact he is 13 he will get a say in what happens and its from that kind of age upwards that they often dont want to see either parent as they make friends and want to go out etc. Its a case of getting son out of area away from mum and having that dad to son chat to find out whats going on

Contact has already been cut down from a whole weekend to just a few hours (hence the reason I want to return to court), so when he cuts it down even further, it makes seeing him pointless (especially given the driving distance).

We are restricted on what we can do, as his mum will not let him get in the car with me (due to social distancing). This means that there is basically nothing to do except wander the streets.

I have told his mum that social distancing doesn’t apply to separated parents, but she is insistent that I have to keep my distance - I think she is insisting on this to make contact difficult.

I have tried to speak to my son, but all he says is that his mum has told him that I have do what he wants. I love my son, but I don’t like how he behaves.

It’s impossible as his mum is insisting that I keep 2 metres from him i.e. that he can’t get in the car with me.

I have told her that this doesn’t apply to separated parents, but she won’t listen. It’s just another way to make contact difficult.

This means that I cannot get him away from his mum’s house and have to simply wander the streets (near to her house).

It's [censored] until you can get back to court. However is there a park that you can walk to for football? If not I guess you either got to embrace wondering the streets and maybe take some sandwiches (i know its not ideal).

Although he is saying that, it is clearly influenced by the mother. Therefore spending some time on the streets and maybe discuss things, how does he feel about it. Explain that social distancing doesn't apply to separated dads but that you are following what your ex wants and make some plans about what to do once you can see him properly again.

Hopefully this will encourage him to push his mother to be allowed to see you properly and do some of the things you guys are planning and that he would want to do. Or if there is anything he wants you to buy him tell him you will once you can see him properly again and go and buy it together...

its tough. rebellious teen years. another dad i know has same issue. he's married but teen kids not interested in hanging around with him, and just do their own thing. does computer games/movies interest him? tell him he can have the same at your place.

We play football (his mum tried to stop that as it meant handling the ball, but I explained that we could just kick it).

The problem is that this gets boring after a short amount of time and there is simply nothing else to do (especially if it’s raining).

He won’t come to my house, as his mum won’t let him get in the car due to social distancing and, in any case, he refuses to see my partner (as his mum doesn’t like her).

When he was coming to my house, I bought him a Tv and computer, but he then refused to come if my partner was there (as his mum doesn’t like her). There is no chance of my partner not being there, as it’s her house. When he stopped coming he then wanted me to give him the TV and computer to keep at his mums house!

Ye its difficult really. The court route won't really work due to his age and so it is a case of persevering and trying to expand the things that you do without having to touch any items. I wouldn't give up as everytime you see him you are bonding but also it is an opportunity to talk to him.

If you play football at the park can you get him a kite? (stunt which keeps all ages engaged)

Can you go bike riding? If so this allows going further afield and thus more time together and it is socially distanced. You can plan routes and new places to visit...

Video calls?