Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi all, I am looking for some advice please.
As some of you know, i have recently been back in to court and managed to increase the contact with my two girls (6&4) overnights are not starting as soon as i would like though. Recently, my eldest has been reaching out to me about how she feels. She tells me she misses me a lot, on Saturday she told me each night she goes to bed, she looks out of her bedroom window and tells me she misses me and wishes me goodnight. That really pulled on my heart strings. I asked her if she speaks to her mum about missing me, she says she does and that her mum just says "you will see him soon"
Yesterday, i picked them both up from nursery/school for the first time in two years. In the car, my eldest again said she wanted to tell me something. She said that she cries because she misses me so much. I asked her if she cries alone or does she go to mummy for a hug and to talk to her. She said she doesnt want people to see her cry and she goes and hides, she said that on Tuesday night her mum heard her crying and her mum went in to her room to speak to her. She explained why she was upset, but her mum doesnt seem to care or do anything about it and i am starting to worry about her.
My youngest has recently been diagnosed with autism, she does not talk a lot and finds it hard to communicate properly, but when I am with her, she acts like she never wants to let me go, she is clingy (which i do not mind at all) and she gets really upset when I get her coat and explain it is time to go.
there are no safe guarding issues from cafcass, my ex is very stubborn and does not seem to have the kids interest at heart at all. She has never raised concerns as me as a father.
Is this something i could possibly contact cafcass about or social services and ask them to get involved in this at all? I do really worry about my girls and how they are feeling right now. I want to do all i can to help them and get more frequent contact moving sooner.
Thanks
If you are concerned about your children then do contact social services and explain the situation to them. Look into the possibility of counselling for them too. Their needs come first. If you don't get the contact specified by the court and cannot discuss this with your ex, then you can go back to court to have the order enforced.
Hi Ferfer
This must be difficult. What I would say is that before contacting cafcass or social services consider whether what is happening is part of the natural journey kids go through when their parents separate and have to adjust to and get used to the way things are now, including the family court journey as contact is worked through. Different children take different amounts of time to adjust. Just as when together with ex you both have different ways of handling things, this is still the case now.
Although you may not agree with how your ex is handling the matter, is it something that really needs Cafcass or social services and all the complexity that involves, investigations, upsetting your ex, counter allegations, contact being stopped by an annoyed ex and kids being prevented from seeing you or worse alienated. etc.
Could you maybe suggest a separated parents course? maybe communication with the school, consider counselling when age appropriate?
If you feel that the children's welfare is at risk then yes make contact or enforce if the order isn't kept to.
Thanks
Thanks. You are right, I think for now I will just document things and raise it with their mum if it continues. The new order in place has more contact and more frequent, so maybe my eldest will improve. She knows now that I will be picking her up from school every Wednesday and I think she is smart enough to establish the concept of time and it will give her something to look forward to and will hopefully stop her getting so upset.
That sounds like a plan. Soon there will be a routine and hopefully kids will settle.
Do you have any indirect contact in the meantime such as video calls etc? If not, consider introducing so that kids can maintain regular contact. Even if its just one day a week via Skype. Soon you will find they will contact you outside of scheduled contact, just because they can.
Stay Strong mate
Hi Ferfer,
naturally your kids will miss you a lot and be very emotional as they have not seen you in such a long time. It will get better when the regular routine is established, and they get to spend weekends with you, and school holidays I hope.
I was thinking of suggesting getting a cheap pay as you go phone so they can phone me if they are upset and missing me. I know their mum isn't always there as she works shifts. Hopefully her mood improves while the contact is increasing, she knows I will be picking them up from school every Wednesday and I know she will always look forward to this.
For the cost of a pay as you go phone, you don't really have a lot to lose by trying.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.