[Solved] find it hard

Hi,

yes I remember. in your last post you wrote that you see your child alone now, to avoid tensions with your partner. it should not be that difficult to bond with her as its just the two of you. you can take her on days out. parks, shopping. seaside. eat out. end of next week cinemas are opening up again. plenty of things to do. simple things like reading a book together can help bond. pay less attention to your phone when your with your child. that way can ignore most of the [censored] from your ex.

thankyou for your reply I really appreciate it. main issue I worry is it my ex if she finds out I'm sepearting it all she might stop it all together your reply really helped me

Are You Afraid of Your Ex Wife? Face Your Fears

http://www.personal-development-for-men.com/face-your-fears.html

thankyou for your help another situation has arose
basically my daughter has sleepovers maybe one or twice during 6 weeks holiday ect.

I just dont no how to work around that with keeping everyone sepeate the main issue is I have no family atall neither does my partner so she couldnt even go out anywhere so were kinda stuck.
obviously my ex is a control freak plans stuff in years in advance so movement atal on anything so its never freedom just her way or no way.
also she doesnt no I'm keeping everyone sepeate and I'm just seeing my child when she finds out shes gonna kick off to mad and high chance stop me seeing her because I chose to stop it and shes not in control of what's happening am I right to think she has no right to control who meets who that there my family home here ect?
any advice on how to deal with this would be great

hi,

that's right, your ex is a controlling freak. most of them are. mine never got along with my mum, so she doesn't want my mum to look after my kids lol. i ignore her nonsense. she fishes info out of the kids when they go back to her place, about what they did and who they saw. pathetic. hopefully your partner will be more understanding and not cause issues when your child stays over.

just unsure what to do as when my daughter stays over my partner has nowhere to go so pretty hard to keep everything sepeate when none of us have places to go so I'm really unsure what to do I live in fear of her stopping me seeing her but shes 9 now she can never fully stop me I will just turn up at plays sports days ect I've got to keep telling myself that but I find it so hard

Hello Lostinblac,

Here are some suggestions for you that may help you with your anxiety and also deepen the relationship with your daughter.
Anxiety is very different for each person it affects, but perhaps these tips may help:
1. The night before you meet your daughter have a relaxing bath or shower and after try not to use your phone and look at any news or social media feeds.
2. Do you enjoy music? If so sit and listen to it, letting the melody and if appropriate words, really sink in.
3. Breathing techniques - there are lots of apps and information of different ways to keep calm through breathing correctly.
4. Try the 5 things you can see, 4 things you can smell, 3 things you can touch, 2 things that you can hear and 1 thing that you can taste, as a way to calm down.
5. If you read, reading is a great way to escape into another world albeit for a short time. It can relax you before you go to sleep.

With regards to your daughter:
1. Be reassuring - be brave and tell your daughter how much you care for her and that you love her, despite you and her mum not being together anymore.
2. Give praise and lots of encouragement where applicable - for example if she tells you something she did well at school.
3. Don't expect too much from your initial meetings together - she maybe feeling as nervous as you are, so begin finding out what she likes, what activities she would like you both to do together and how that could be made possible.
4. If you only have a certain amount of time, for the next meeting, try to come up with a rough plan, then at least you will have something to fall back on if needed.
5. Keep it simple and perhaps do a new activity, one that she only does with you - for example going for a walk to a certain park, or reading a favourite book of hers, or why not make a memory scrap book together, then its something she can look at when she comes to yours.

I hope this isn't too much information to take in! and that it will help you to have as an anxious free time as you can when you see your daughter.

Wishing you all the best,
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

Hi Lost

In addition to the excellent advice from Clarinet I would also suggest doing a video call (if this is possible) with your daughter before meeting up. At first it may seem weird but she is 9 and so will be used to tech and if not will pick it up quickly.

On the call you can discuss and plan what you will be doing together when you see each other (plan the time together in advance) so that when you meet up you both know what to expect and can get on with enjoying your time together and bond based on your plans with hopefully less anxiety. On the calls you can find out what she likes, put forward suggestions and ask her to choose and if she doesn't like anything and doesn't choose anything then tell her you will surprise her, although this will be pot luck. If she is like my kids they will have weird and wonderful suggestions but actually a trip to the park, feed the ducks, run around, with an ice cream etc is all good fun.

Just be prepared for your ex who may find out what you are doing in advance to throw in spanners, delay any timings and accept this and not let it get to you.

Most importantly enjoy your time, have fun..

thankyou for both the advice I really appreciate it. I've tried to calm my brain down.

lately she seems not as bothered about seeing me tbh shes very grown up for her age and has been made to grow up very fast and I get the impression shes more concerned about her own life

"acts like a teenager " I cant do video calls my ex doesnt let me as bad as it sounds I dont think we will be able to bond to the full potential at this age when the mums around I'll take her out all day and when I drop her back I hate it feels like u loose her again so I'm just trying to keep a bond there till the mum goes away

Hi again, thanks for keeping us up to date. I hope that the times you do get to spend together are good quality ones and you have positive memories to focus on.
All The best,
Fegans PSV

hello all another change has happend. basically back in my stupid days I also slept around and had a boy from the start the mum didnt want me involved ect and honestly I didnt want to have another child so I didnt bother. hes 1 year younger then my eldest and sees her my eldest is the one all these questions are about.

basically the mum messaged me today saying that my eldest ex is stalking me Facebook ect fake accounts the lot I already knew but first time I've heard from her in 8 years and if I ever want to get in touch her number is.

what do I do. I dont feel anything for him because I dont know my son and I never thought I'd be involved. as much of a [censored] it makes me sound it's a [censored] situation.

do I try to get involved. or do I leave it as it is.

if I did get involved is sepeate it all take my eldest out with him but never mix with 2 at home like I already do with my eldest.