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Hi Jon (I'm Jon as well, btw)
Thanks for this.
My partner says exactly the same as you - that a(nother) long court battle will be draining and probably not achieve anything. My problem is I want to show my kids (and reassure myself) that I'm doing everything I can to keep them in my life. It's not driving a wedge between me and my partner, but my ex hovers over our lives like a big black cloud. She can disrupt our plans at the drop of a hat, and a single text from her can send me spiralling into depression for days. I pay my ex over £2.5k a month (court-ordered) and it leaves me with not enough money to live. I have to draw on my savings for the next six years to survive.
I've just proposed to my partner but we're not sure when we'll be able to afford to get married. The news that my kids wouldn't be coming for half term came shortly after I told them we were getting married and I'm convinced this is their mother's revenge for me trying to get on with my life. My kids like my partner and we have a good time together. She has two kids of a similar age and they all get on well.
I think I have to get used to the idea that my kids will eventually stop contact with me. I think it's a matter of survival for them, they have to appease their mother or face the consequences. I don't blame them at all. I'm just incredibly sad that I miss out on so much of their lives. I love them and miss them more than I can say.
I know it's a long game, but as you no doubt know, playing the long game is easier said than done.
Thanks again for the reply. It really does help knowing others have gone through what I'm going through.
Jon
Thanks for taking the time to write back Jon.
I totally empathise with your position, it's not enviable. I would like to try to reassure you things will get better but it will take time. When my ex used to text or email me my first impulse was to dance to whatever tune she was calling, my Partner (now Fiancee') has taught me to either ignore her or if I respond, to do it in my time. If it's anything to do with the girls I merely say I'll speak to them about whatever it is and leave it at that. At first she'd only allow me to go through her, it was really difficult but my Partner insisted I refuse to do that as the girls were old enough to have their own relationships with me/us. She has two sons in their late twenties who adore her so I think she knows what she's talking about!
I'm sure you'll get there in the end but before I go - may I ask if you're paying your ex under the terms of a Consent Order? If so (as I was and it was also a healthy 5-figure sum per month), you can opt out of the Child Maintenance element to hand over jurisdiction to the CMS instead.
I did this after I decided to go into business on my own and leave a high-paying job. If you do go down this path, work on the premise they'll use a PAYE income figure from 2022-23 most likely, there's an online assessment tool you can use to see if you'd be any better off.
Good luck!
jon
Thanks again, Jon.
I'm at a similar point in communicating with my ex, I ignore most of her messages, or give the briefest of responses if I have to. She sends long, rambling rants about what a terrible father I am. My ignoring them has reduced the number she sends. I speak to the girls directly about most things, which can be a little awkward for them sometimes as I can tell they have their mother looking over their shoulder as they reply, guiding what they say. I've had texts from my youngest that no 12-year old would write. Still, it's better than trying to arrange things through my ex.
We have a financial order in place that dictates the maintenance. I was paying over £3k a month but got made redundant and had to take a lower paying job. Despite my salary dropping by £2,200 a month, the court only reduced global maintenance by £500. The split between child and spousal maintenance isn't included in the financial order but at the last court hearing (a couple of weeks ago) it was made clear what the child maintenance portion is, so I intend to use that as my benchmark when it comes to reducing it as the girls reach 18. If I pay child maintenance via the CMS they'll add 20% to the amount as an admin fee, which would be nearly £400 in my case, so I can't go down that route. Unless I'm understanding you wrong.
Jon
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