Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi
My ex-wife and I separated in 2019 (divorced 2022) and in 2020 I went to court to put a child arrangement order in place due to my ex changing contact and, in some cases, refusing it altogether. A CAO has been in place since 2020 but is rarely adhered to. My ex says the children (we have 4) are the ones wanting to reduce contact, although the reasons why are always vague.
I have had no contact with my eldest child since she was 12 (now 18), since May last year I've had no contact with my youngest child (now 12). The other two (aged 15 and 12) I see semi-regularly but often there are changes to the contact, or children don't stay as long as they should, or don't come at all. I didn't see my 15-year old throughout the Christmas school holidays and I was due to pick up two of my children today (to stay with me for the rest of half term) but received a message from my ex yesterday saying they wouldn't be coming.
I believe my ex is a classic narcissist and very subtle in how she manipulates the children against me. She ticks all the boxes for parental alienation behaviour, but I know that is difficult to prove to the court. Reasons for the children not coming to see me are always vague (my 15-year old was "stressed" over Christmas, my youngest stopped contact because I'm "not the parent she deserves") and therefore impossible to fix. I have a record of over 70 breaches and other issues relating to the children. Having none of them visit me over this half term has been the last straw and I need to do something to stop her stamping all over my contact and my life. I have a new partner who has two children of her own and this situation impacts all of us.
My initial thought is to raise a C79 form and apply for the order to be enforced, but the age of the children (12 to 18) means their "wishes and feelings" need to be taken into account and they are completely under the control of their mother. Also, as I'm having some contact with the children, I worry the court won't take my application seriously. I'd like advice on the next best step.
Thanks in advance.
hi,
if you did take it back to court, then they may only be interested in wishes/feelings of 12 year olds. they will likely say the older children are free to decide on frequency of contact. they may decide to make no order at all, if they think the lack of contact are the genuine wishes of the children.
are the older children having any phone contact with you?
Thanks for your reply. I have no phone contact with any of them. Well, not phone calls. Three of the children message me and respond to messages (it's usually me who instigates a chat) but my eldest has blocked me. I've never understood why she stopped seeing me.
I feel only a Cafcass report will get to the bottom of things. I'm convinced the children are being manipulated to think and say things by their mother and only a Cafcass report, where the children are interviewed on their own, has a chance of revealing the truth. I don't think any of the children are 'free' to decide - they live in fear of their mother (I was married to her for 23 years so I know what it's like - I was scared of her) and have to keep on the right side of her. An easy way to do that is to reduce contact with me. Everything that happens when the children are with me is reported back to their mother. I often get a 'review' of my weekend as little as 10 minutes after dropping them back off!
How likely is it I can insist a Cafcass report happens, given my concerns that the children's decisions are being heavily influenced?
if you make an application, in it you can request cafcass to find out childrens wishes and feelings. they will likely do this by default. think better for you to self represent, to avoud hefty legal costs. you can contact me if you need help. sending private message.
Hi MontyJ,
I went through pretty much the same thing as you are about 3 years ago.
I'm not going to go into chapter and verse but IMHO I don't think anything you do legally will matter a jot, particularly with older kids who begin to get lives of their own.
Certainly, I tried everything and it didn't matter because my ex was controlling the kids in exactly the same way as she controlled me when we were together.
As it was a situation which was really beginning to drive a wedge between me and my Partner, I made a decision to step away, my rationale being my kids would always be my kids no matter what and they'd come round one day whereas my Partner made it really clear she wouldn't stay to be controlled by proxy via my ex.
So, I think I had no contact with either of my daughters for about 8 months, not even a text but then out of the blue my ex contacted me asking if we could have them for a week whilst she was on holiday. I was ready to bite her hand off but my Partner said "no way would we do that woman a favour after the way she's treated us", so I turned her down. A few weeks later, my eldest daughter texted me to say she'd like to meet my Partner, then my youngest did the same. We met and got on like a house on fire.
My girls are coming up for 19 and 20, I'm still paying the ex child maintenance for the youngest but see them perhaps 3-4 times a year.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is you may need to play the long game. Your ex will realise one day if she's to have any sort of life of her own that you need to be in their lives, even if she doesn't like it and as they get older, they'll possibly come out from behind their mother's apron strings to develop their own relationships with you anyway.
Hope this helps,
Jon
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.