[Solved] Co-sleeping with my son, safeguarding concern?

hi,

i been dealing with this nonsense while going through the courts. my kids are aged 4 and 6. ex complains that why are they sleeping with me in same bed. she stipulated in court order that 6 year old must sleep in own bed. whats stupid about this is that the kids live with mum in a tiny over-crowded flat, and they all share beds! :p I been trying to get 6 year old to sleep in her own bed. but she struggles at times, wakes in middle of night and just crawls into my bed. i just had to bite my tongue when the judge was asking me about this too haha.

i think your mum is right. don't let it get to you. social worker didn't seem bothered by it. i think from age 6-7 is when kids should start to learn to sleep on their own.

Thanks mate, its good to know im not the only one that gets this type of bile.

its just your ex being a controlling [censored]. interfering with your time with your kids. its very common for them to become controlling and always nitpicking and looking for faults. my ex also thought child was having behavioural problems. social worker looked into it, and just said its normal child development.

The safeguarding comment is miss-guided and stupid.

However, clearly you two, as parents, are at odds over how to raise the kids - and at what stage should they sleep on their own.

I have always been of the view that children, particularly those in two households, should learn some independence very quick. At any one point they will be with one parent and not the other.

Part of the development of any child, is to be independent.

And a large part of that is being able to sleep on their own - and put themselves to sleep if they had to. Including covering themselves, turning off the lights etc...

So I would understand your ex if she was irritated at this, particularly when there are problems at school.

The fact that she raised it at school however is inappropriate.

Nevertheless, I do advise that you think about this situation much more clearly and hopefully you should arrive at a situation where you are both co-parenting in a more compatible manner.

Note I am in no way judging you here.

court/cafcass like parents to complete a parenting plan. but the issue is if one or both parents will take it seriously or not:

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-plan/

I think children do lots of their processing about life during their sleep, and in the night their subconscious does all their worrying! The key thing is to provide your son with reassurance and security, as that is what he is looking for in the night. It is really common for small children to want to get into bed with you, but it might help to give him what he subconsciously needs earlier, Having a quiet, calm and cuddly bed time routine will help settle him. If you and your ex follow a similar routine, ie bath, brush teeth, story etc then that may help him too, rather than for him to have to do different things when he is in different houses. You could also try telling him reassuring things that he can think about as he drops off to sleep, like that you love him, you are happy that you had fun doing something today, that you will be there all night and also what is happening in the morning. It may be that he is unsure of the plan the next day. I hope you all get some good restful nights 🙂

Hello, I completely stand with January's comment below. Young children need lots of reassurance, especially when a life changing event has happened. By both doing a similar bedtime routine you will help them to feel loved and secure by each of you. I hope things have improved for you, Best wishes, Parent Support Volunteer, Fegans.

Short version: No law against co-sleeping. Not normally considered "improper" even if kids over 10 years old.

Long version:

This came up in Family Court with me back in March. My wife tried to use my allowing the kids to co-sleep -- usually the boy (6), but occasionally the girl (10) -- even though she herself had jealously started trying to get them to co-sleep with her. They don't because she'd usually denied them, kicked them out, or if they were allowed because of sickness, complained about them so much that they didn't bother.

I put the brakes on her games and asked the court for instruction. The judge didn't want to make any clear statement; he just said that he thought it might not be the best thing for them. I explained the reasons they kept coming back, primarily nightmares and the fear of losing me that their mother had caused. Back and forth a few times and the judge was getting tired of it. I pressed for a clear statement so that there was no chance of any misinterpretation.

"Your Honour, I'm sorry to press on about this, and I understand your concerns about the children's well-being. This is exactlywhy I've allowed them to come fully clothed into my king-size bed when they feel the need. As this matter has been brought up by Applicant and addressed by your Hounour, I must ask the Court to clarify whether there are any legal or safeguarding issues, and what instruction the Court may have for this matter."

I don't have the transcript, but that's more or less how I asked. VERY thin ice I trod; the judge was not happy that I'd harped on, but it was clear that I was covering myself and in doing so, possibly preventing reappearance in his Court.

Basically, he said that the Courts have NO position on co-sleeping IN GENERAL -- unless some order is in place for those particular people involved -- but that it was his [personal] opinion that it should be discouraged. Wham-O!

It's normal for your family? There's no legitimate safety or abuse concern? Let 'em snuggle and cuddle all they need. Do encourage them to spend time in their own "Big beds" but there's no need to chase them off. Talk about it occasionally with them during the day rather than just as Lights Out o'Clock approaches so that any attempt to make you out to be a villain will find no purchase. By talking to the kids about it you'll also have prepared them not to be ashamed or afraid or worried about discussing the matter should Cafcass want to have a word.

Hope this helps.